Feelings that haunt me....

Omnitron,
Thank you for your post above. It has really helped me. I have probably read it 50 times. I keep reading it, especially in moments when my sympathy for my husband is strained. And it has helped. I haven't been posting here, have been trying to focus on building our communication and relationship. Things were looking much better for a while. Husband has begun seeing a therapist and I have too. But last night was bad. I could not begin a sentence without him finishing it for me (and in a way I did not intend). I know he needs support and help, but my feelings are clearly not important right now, he can only think me,me,me... At the worst moment, he mimicked me and what I said, the way I spoke. I can't believe the level of contempt and childishness that would lead a grown adult to do this to his own wife. After I stopped crying from humiliation and frustration, I tried to start the conversation over and he did it AGAIN. I am at the end of my rope. I am ready to give up.

And StartingOver, I did it today. I didn't delete everything, but I dumped loads of files with filenames that made me feel particularly sick. Saved videos with the most idiotic "cutesy" file names that were pathetic. Some folders full of videos of his favorite "models" (he uses this term, do you believe how much he actively tries to minimize his addiction and his participation) also deleted and gone. I am so angry at my thoughts and feelings (about improving our relationship and moving forward!) not being respected or understood, I felt I had nothing to lose if I threw dozens of files out. If they were his "favorites" so much the better. I don't care.mI am giving up, ready to walk away...

 

I'm just curious... why not everything?

 

I just might...I don't know. I know where there is another stash. My husband is so obsessive that he saves everything multiple times and has backups of everything. Maybe when I get home it is time for Mr. Stack of Dvds to meet Mr. Dumpster.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your husband hasn’t fully accepted what he needs to do. He is still placing his addiction ahead of you. He needs to get rid of ALL Porn. Not just most of it. All of it. He will never recover from it if he keeps going back.

 

I think that's a wonderful idea.
And then? Show him the definition of gaslighting. Here's a good resource for that.
This is what he is doing to you. Every time he says it's no big deal and that you're overreacting.
Then show him this site. Multiple scientific studies and articles that prove porn is harmful not just in relationships but to the individual person.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Has he had any reaction to his missing files? What would he say if u told him what you had done?
My advice would be to just format all hard drives and get it over with. Then tell him what uve done. Possibly install software after this for your piece of mind. (He doesnt need to know that part).
My husband was unable to put anything in place himself to control his addiction. When i took it out of his hands things changed. Plus i dont have to worry constantly that he is acting out. My piece of mind has been so important because i was literally losing my mind.
Every device is on such serious lockdown now that its just not possible. This has given him 2months of sobriety that i doubt he would have reached on his own.
I wish u luck.

 

I'm really appreciative of the support here. Today has been really hard. I haven't told him about the missing files. I think if he asks about them, I'll just say the truth: I don't care. Not about what I've done, nor the missing files, nor his feelings about it. I'm done caring.

 

If you were to install software on the computer you would need to create a new local account with administrator access, set a strong password only you know and down grade the local account he uses to something with limited access. Otherwise he can simply disable or uninstall the software.

He will quickly know you have done something though because he will no longer be able to install anything or make changes that require admin access.

 

Today several dvds went into the trash. Hours of videos saved under the most insipid filenames. In a way, he determined which ones got thrown out. I also threw out a saved list of links to downloads on a porn aggregator site. I'm sure he has a million backups of this stuff, so throwing it out won't mean that it is entirely gone. He'll just go to some other external drive or disks stashed somewhere in our house. I don't care when he figures out that I've done this. I don't care about him or his feelings at all really. He doesn't care about mine.

 

I DID THIS ! DDAY #1 I tossed everything!! DDAY 2 ( 8 years later ) I made HIM take a hammer to the hidden laptop I found !! Cathartic for sure ! He needs to WANT to get rid of EVERYTHING if he REALLY wants to change . If he doesn’t really want to , he’ll find another way . That part REALLY sux xoxo

 

Thanks for this! I know that when SO finds out, he will be angry. Violation of boundaries, no privacy, and so forth. What I've learned is that his approach to throwing his stuff out has in fact been an act of "curating" his exhaustive collection. He's only throwing out the stuff that matters less to him, and is keeping the stuff he is still attached to (just writing that made me a little sick). I took a more indiscriminate approach to deleting. Actually not entirely indiscriminate. The "cuter" the filename, the easier it was for me to delete.

 

If it were me, I would trash it all, ALL OF IT, then gauge his reaction. That would tell me exactly where our relationship is and I would have a better idea on where to go from there.

 

I second what @EyesWideOpen says, it will tell you a lot about where he is mentally

 

Well, I just confessed and he said "can we talk about this later," I said yeah and then he started choking on something. So we haven't talked about the deleting specifically. But he's probably more upset than he is willing to admit.

 

He also told me today that he would not only look at it to get off, but he would look at it when he was in a bad space mentally. He said at the times when he was upset, he wasn't trying to get off or anything. It was more like acting out. I guess he's admitting to the childish aspect of it, and that its strange mental hold on him isn't exclusively sexual. I suppose my deleting files was also a kind of acting out. Acting on my feelings in place of speaking about them, since speaking hadn't accomplished anything. Not sure how the rest of today is going to go....

 

@Loveless: for the past few weeks, I have been stunned by this sentence that you wrote:
"He refuses to delete his files because if he "gets the urge" he wants to have an offline stash."

..

I just watched the video linked at the bottom that @AnonymousAnnaXOXO posted -- and at the end of it, the guy said something that made me think of your situation .. he said:
"If there is an unwillingness to change / an unwillingness to break things off with the affair partner / an unwillingness to get help / an unwillingness to respect your boundaries, then those indicating factors might mean separation is the next step for you."

I think refusing to delete porn files is very, very similar to 'an unwillingness to break things off with the affair partner' ... I'm not suggesting that you must pursue separation. But that is a big, big red flag to me.

 

@Loveless, and let me just add, that I am really, really sorry that you are having to walk through this ... this is not your fault / you did not ask for this. The SO's here on NoFap have been through a lot and can offer a ton of great advice and help and counsel.

I hope and pray that your PA responds and understands that he is addicted and he needs help.

 

As a guy going through this, me feelings are that unless HE gets ride of the porn, nothing is going to change. He has to want this as much as you do, and if he's still keeping porn, than that is a clear indication that he does not. He may still be in denial that he truly has a problem, but that can't be an excuse for you to allow him to make excuses. In my experience, quitting PMO can't be a gradual thing. If its around and he's still doing it, he will probably never quit. He has to pull off the bandaid- you can't do it for him. I truly hope your SO comes to realize that he has a problem and that he needs help… it sounds to me like he hasn't quite gotten there yet.

 

Very true @PaleAle76.

 

Thank you, all of you, for your support. It really means a lot. This has been a very hard week.

I agree with everything that has been said here. The unwillingness to get rid of the offline stash, the selective deleting (which requires looking, then deciding to toss or save). All of it suggests an unwillingness to part with it. He himself says he doesn't know why he can't just toss it all out. Before I told him that I had thrown out a bunch of files, he suggested that maybe I should "curate" his massive collection. That's when I told him I'm not interested in viewing, then making decisions about what to keep or toss. I just indiscriminately tossed a ton of stuff out. He actually choked and looked like he was going to puke when I said that.

Today he said "he is weak." He also said he knows that I think his weakness is pathetic. At the same time, he said he needs to know that I trust him, so he is not going to tolerate my going through his files anymore. [I should have dumped more when I decided to just do it. He will not do it.]

I told him that things have to drastically change or I am giving up on our relationship. He decided to parrot me and said if I go through his files again he is going to leave. I'm not suggesting that this is a game, but I do find everything about his behavior right now absolutely childish.