Fellows, I need your help. It's about meeting & hooking up. I think I made a mistake.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by adriatik28, Dec 6, 2014.

  1. adriatik28

    adriatik28 Fapstronaut

    Hello fellows, I need help. I'm sharing a part of my journal which I update on a regular basis. It's about what happened today. Just in case you get to read this, I request for your advise, opinions, or warnings. I'm confused and really don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. It's a bit lengthy (TL;DR version below), but I just want to be transparent.

    Short background about me: I'm 29 years of age, male, but still figuring things about my attractions. I'm attracted to both men and women, but I still have a lot of questions. I've never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin.

    I went out with a guy tonight. We met online last May, after he made the kind gesture of telling me that I lost my ID in a bus station. The ID is really important and replacing it will take a lot of time and processes, so I really appreciated the favor he did. We chatted online about a lot of things and then he opened up about being gay and all. He was flirting with me, and I just rode along. I don't know what happened along the course of our conversations that he suddenly said that we should just stop communicating. This happened in just 3 days. Crazy stuff...

    Then his birthday came up this week. I sent him a well wishes days ago and thanked him for his kind gesture that I won't forget. I wasn't really expecting a reply, but he did. So we began chatting again but not so serious stuff. He told me that we should meet up, which I obliged, just so I can personally thank him for the favor. He still flirted with me, but this time, he was talking about hooking up and having sex.

    We just met hours ago, and at first, I was really nervous. We met in a mall (just to be safe). My heart was racing and as we walked around a staircase with no people, he held my hand. I just went with the flow until he let go because there was someone approaching. We walked around and we talked about work and life and common things we share. I even accompanied him shopping for a sweater and shorts. He was constantly asking if I was doing fine, because I can't look him in the eye. I told him that I'm just like that. I barely look at my friends in the eye when we talk. Then as we left the mall, he asked me what do I want to do. I just said, "Anything". He said, "Wanna hook up?"

    Now here's the (mistake) I made. I said "I'm game". I don't know where that came from. Now we walked through a park. It's a park I frequent during the daytime but not at night, because of the "dangers and crimes". Again he held my hand and let go once he saw someone coming near. He still was asking me if I'm fine. To be honest, I was kinda uncomfortable going there at night because of safety reasons. But I guess I had to follow social convention of walking around and talking. But then he would insert the topic of hooking up and asking me if I wanted to hook up with him. I replied that "I'm game, but I have to be home at 9PM because of my brother." (I still don't know where this is coming from.) Just to give you an idea of the time, it was already 8 PM. I knew he wanted to hook up, but the time was really not going good for both us. He even said that if we're going to do it, it should last us 2-3 hours because of the chat after doing it. I just jokingly said "Does it really last that long?" Anyway, we ended mostly talking about his previous job. We were laughing and all and there were light posts around the park where we talked so I guess it was "safe". I was a bit conscious about the people walking by and probably thinking what are these 2 guys up to (High-strung, overthinking mode activated).

    It was already 9 PM and we had to end our chat. I thanked him again for the kind favor. He replied by saying, he was looking forward to a hook up. He asked me if I'm attracted to him at all. I said with all honesty that I can't answer that now, because I'm a logical and scientific person and that it's gonna take a couple of meet-ups before I can truly answer that. He said that he's been doing his thing to hook up with me because he hasn't had sex in a while, but I'm kinda giving him the vibe that I don't want to. I said that it's my first time to experience having a meet-up like this and that maybe this isn't the right time yet. I rode a cab home.

    I sent him a text message thanking him for the time and saying that I was doing okay the whole time. I apologized for my social awkwardness which is proof that I haven't been interacting with people for a long time. He said that it's okay and that maybe next time, we'll hook up. I just said it's my first time experiencing all of these.

    I don't know if I'll meet up with him again, although I said that if our free time matches up, maybe we'll get to meet again.

    TL;DR - I don't even know how to summarize what happened. I unexpectedly reconnected with a guy I met online. We met up and he wants to hook up. But time constraints prevented us from doing so. It;s my first time to experience this. I'm confused and numb about it. I'm left hanging with a lot of questions.

    I just want to know what you guys think about what I went through. Up to now, I'm feeling numb, confused, and baffled by what happened. I'm high-strung and overthinking and asking myself:
    Is this how it really happens?
    Is this how it should be?
    Was it a stupid/wrong idea to meet up with him?
    Is sex just another handshake or something?
    Should I meet up with him again if he texts me?

    For what it's worth, it's good we didn't hook up because I'm on HARD MODE and I'm scared (in a way) of sexually transmitted diseases (although I believe there's no shame in being safe - using a condom and everything).

    Last edited: Dec 6, 2014
  2. cras

    cras Fapstronaut

    Maybe this will help?

    Ok, let's get something straight here. I'm a virgin too, so in actuality, I know as much as you do. However, let me help you find the answer by asking you some of questions. This is from how I took your story, things might be totally different from how I took things.

    -Do you want a lasting relationship? If yes, then I don't think you should do it. To me, this guy seems interested in a hookup because he cant control his penis and that's it. Aren't we here because we want to be better than that? Remember, he started talking about hooking up before he even met you. And even if he does stick around (probably just for more hookups), I don't know how good of an influence he will be.

    -Do you still want to do hardmode/nofap? The way I see it, you made a promise to yourself not to PMO until Dec. 31. Making an exception will only lead to more exceptions. It's better to stay true to the promise you made yourself than do this. But that's just me. Stick to your guns and stay true to yourself.

    -Do you actually want to go through with it? After reading, I don't think you actually want to hook up with this man. My lack of experience aside, it can work like the way you described, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you're patient, you can find an actual fulfilling relationship where the hookups aren't like that. A serious relationship should be defined by love, right? Love then leads to fulfilling sex, not hookups... or maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

    In my opinion, avoid him and let the relationship die. Straight rejection might not be the best approach. I guess you need to be the judge here.

    Anyway there's my 3 cents (since it seemed a little more than 2 cents). I hope this helps?

  3. adriatik28

    adriatik28 Fapstronaut

    Hello @cras. Thank you for your take on my situation. It's good to have a POV of someone like me who's a virgin too. I put everything that happened in my post, because I want to keep it real. There's no use in asking advise if I'm keeping information only to myself.

    The questions you listed were almost the same things I asked myself from the night I went to bed since that meet up. It reaffirms what I believe in and look for in a relationship - that "spark", getting to know one another better, and if sex will happen, there'll be no regrets because I got the chance to know that person. I also hope it's consensual and romantic. Yeah, we're men and I fully understand that there's always that "need for release" but it's not good to go pouncing on every situation and go sex-crazy. To be honest, I was kinda put off when he brought up the topic of hooking up with him when we met. I guess he just was interested in hooking up more than getting to know me.

    It's been nearly 2 days since that happened and I haven't even heard from him. The same night, I deleted his messages and his number isn't in my contact list either. I share the same idea with you that I'll let this relationship die on its own.

    For what it's worth, I got to experience what it's like going out with a person who just mostly thinks about sex. Yeah, sex is important - but it's not everything. It also reaffirmed what I believed in, but I guess, I have to put myself out there again soon. I hope better things will come my way by then.

    Thanks again man. I can go on and on being high-strung about this on my own but it really helps when you ask people for advise - it broadens perspective. Thank you also for not judging me on my sexuality. I'm still working things out. Let's just say that I put it in a box and left it there and now I have to sort things out.

    I wish you all the best in your personal journey. That's a good 40 day streak and very impressive too. :) I'll hear from you around and send me a message if you wanna talk about anything too.
  4. cras

    cras Fapstronaut

    I'm glad I could help! Everyone's got their box that they need to sort through (and the PMO that's in all of ours is the reason we are here, right?) so I can't really judge until I got mine clean and filled with sweet, figurative gold.

    You're right, this is definitely a good experience for you, even though it must have been... uncomfortable. At least it didn't turn into a traumatic experience.

    And psh, my 43 days are nothing... still in the hell hole! You are right behind me with 32 days and you should be really proud of yourself for that. Congratulations! Certainly feel free to message me as well if you want to talk.


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