Felt like sharing this experience

Before reading it, Please don't report this message, I am completely out of that depressed state(Here I didn't meant that I was in depression, it only meant that I was feeling extremely low and was moving towards depression).
I don't exactly know how it all started, but I would like to share what type of thoughts I was having, how I was sinking more and more into pain, if I hadn't stopped that downward spiral, I would had been dead or deep into depression.

I was alone, and I was talking to myself. Actually I don't think I would be able to explain it, still let me try, I spent about two to three weeks talking to myself, asking questions, crying for all the bad things that ever happened, crying for my parents that they deserved a better son than me, I was not able to concentrate on studies and the year was about to end, I didn't had courage to face my parents with low marks, death seemed a easier option then facing them, I even searched for easiest and most painless ways to die. It is not that only because of marks I was thinking all this, I had many ideas to get a good life, but because of some reasons I started feeling that they were just dreams and it is not possible. I was feeling my future is in darkness. I felt that this time, I will hurt my parents with bad marks then maybe in future with something else, and I might never become successful and keep hurting my parents again and again, I thought it would be far better if I die once, they may feel the pain for few days, but they will never get hurt ever again. I felt like I was a dead body or a zombie, who didn't had any control over himself and was addicted to PMO and smartphone. Who didn't cared about anyone, who is a complete failure in each and every part of his life. A person who is contributing nothing but only wasting resources available on this planet. Such a person shouldn't stay alive. I felt like I had ruined my life with PMO, and now I might waste time, resources and energy in fixing myself, if I succeed I may be of some use, but what if I fail, then I had wasted resources of this planet for doing nothing good. It would be far better to take a new birth, but I even doubted weather god will give me a human birth again, or will he send me to hell for doing this type of sin, what is more bad - killing yourself or hurting people in your entire life, if for $uicide I get negative 100 points and for hurting someone I get negative 20 points, then I might hurt many people throughout this life and will get more negative points then negative 100, in this case (single negative 100) death is far better.

I was analyzing different situations like the one given above, I think I was trying to figure out what truth is and why everything is happening and what should I do now. But I think I took it too far.
I even thought that maybe $uicide is the worst thing, maybe there is nothing after death, but then what is the use of life, If $uicide is a bad thing, but I still want to escape facing my parents then should I run away from house - afterall it is far better then $uicide. why this and that etc etc etc.
The more I thought, the more I became depressed.


But one depressed day, thinking about my future and my past life, I decided to meditate for few minutes, I closed my eyes, I started listening to the nature's sound, complete focus on either breathing or on the sound, I felt my head becoming light and I felt so much peace, I wanted to continue doing mediation, I did meditation for almost a hour that day.
And when I was back to my thinking process, I was like - "Wait a second, What the hell, I have two hands, two legs, two eyes, one intelligent brain, everything, I am a fit human being, why the hell I was even crying, I can do anything I want, talking about studies, well I do have plenty of time, I only need to start waking up at 4 and study 4 extra hours till 8am then get ready and attend online classes, those 4 extra hours daily, if you practiced it even for 10 days, your backlog will be finished and if you did that for next 4 months you can easily get above 95, and talking about initial capital for your starting your work, I have internet connection and I can learn anything from net, I know programming, for initial few days until and unless I finish my college I can work on fivver or some other online jobs like data entry, I can create websites, or even in worst case I can get a job in railway, minimum qualification required for those jobs is 12th pass. If I want initial capital for my big dreams, then I can collect it from these sources, I can work for 2-3 months until and unless I get enough money to start working on that big thing. Come on man, life is too easy, why was I making it such a big deal, no one is stopping me from doing anything. Why was I even thinking of doing stuff like that and who the hell told you that I am useless, I can contribute so much to this world, afterall people learn from their mistakes, their is nothing wrong in making mistakes, I have goals, I have plans, the only thing left is to achieve them." and I kept talking to myself for another hour giving myself all those alternate ideas that I had forgotten or was hidden deep down somewhere.

That was a horrible dream, first time I truly realized a single negative thought can cause that type of destruction, I am glad that I was not carried away.
Thoughts lead to emotion, emotion leads to action, action creates your reality. So control your thoughts, you will control your reality. - This quote works for both sides, positive and negative. I do need to control my thoughts. And I started believing - What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger
It is like a joke but meditation did saved me from doing something non-sense.

 

No, actually I never meant that, I shouldn't had used depressed word, It was just a horrible experience that I faced for the first time in my life, and I have never experienced depression, so it was one of the lowest point of my life, I always thought why humans only have 100 years of life, and here I was thinking of killing myself, I took that conversation too far, and I am not saying that it was depression, I said that I might had became depressed if I had continued this conversation. I didn't typed all the things that happened, obviously because it would had made it even more bigger, I spent almost 3 weeks, and this post can be read in less than 5 minutes, I can't write all those thoughts and things that I was thinking about. I think I was not able to express myself properly.