Female on both sides of the fight

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by htxgirl, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. htxgirl

    htxgirl Fapstronaut

    Hi all. I'm finally reaching out and joining a community. I have to keep myself accountable but need advice as well. I would like to share my story so I can begin the healing process with myself as well as in my relationship. Trying to recover from a porn/masturbation addiction and being on the hurt end of my boyfriend cheating due to a PM addiction, it's been an emotional and mental rollercoaster.
    I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, we live together and it's been the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, or so I thought. We first bonded as friends then the sexual conversations started. We were both "weird" and into the same things. We are both porn and sex addicts. Even before him I was letting my sexual needs run my life. Stressed, bored, triggered, routine, you name it and I would have to go to a place I could masturbate. I would cancel plans, get irritated if I had to stop, I even got to the point I'd do it in the bathroom at work. It was taking over my life. We did it together on the phone a lot because we were long distance at first, I moved halfway across the country for him. Our sex life was great but whenever I'd have alone time I'd still have to do my thing. He was even watching porn on his phone while receiving oral sex and that was perfectly normal to me because I understood. Where he differed from me is he is CONSTANTLY on his phone and very active on social media. I have no social media because I'm a private person and honestly don't like people knowing what I'm up to. Too many skeletons in the closet, I suppose.
    We went on a beach trip for my birthday and he kept getting messages late into the night but I trusted him so thought nothing of it. Fast forward to the morning when his phone alarm kept going off but he was sleeping through it. I woke up, went to his phone and turned it off. Low and behold, I saw a WhatsApp message from some girl saying "Yes Master". Umm, what the actual what is going on? So I grabbed his phone, walked down to the beach and proceeded to go through that thing like it held the cure for diabetes (Type 1 here). He had been messaging multiple (and I mean multiple) girls online for months. He had multiple different apps downloaded and was sexting, recieving videos and pictures from them, you name it. On every app. What made me even more sick was the fantasy he was living with these random girls were things we had actually done in real life. He would use our real life experiences and play them out with girls down to things he'd say to me during sex. The conversations went on and on. Some of the girls asked if he was dating anyone and he said he was in an open relationship which we are not, and he's aware we aren't. I know he hasn't done anything physically, we're together constantly. But it explained so much as to why he was distant, why he would occasionally get irritated with any "emotional talks", or only halfway listening when we would talk about everyday things. I even mentioned to him before I caught him that I felt closer to him when we were long distance on the phone than in person.
    It absolutely blew my mind because he knows I've been cheated on many times and we had such an amazing sex life. But it wasn't even about sex, I realized. It was about addiction.

    I came to him with it, not angry but hurt. He's been doing everything he can to earn my trust back. I never threatened to leave him. I told him if he would put the work in to get help, then so would I. I had to face the fact that I am hypocrite and I could never expect him to get better if I didn't get better myself.

    What's really getting me is that ever since I caught him, our sex life has completely changed. He won't act on my wants anymore, he handles me more gently than ever and we don't do it a third as much as we used to. He's even declined oral sex a few times, which is unheard of for him. He doesn't get as hard as he used to, all the issues you read about what porn eventually does to you. I started researching because my addiction flared up after everything that happened. I'd find myself hiding in the closet to masturbate or coming up with excuses why I didn't want to go somewhere so I could stay home in bed with myself. We are both already at the stage of porn escalation, etc. So it just keeps getting worse for me.

    I started reading Your Brain on Porn and a few other books which is how I learned about NoFap. I feel like it's something I NEED to do, for my own health and sanity. What scares me is I went through his phone again the other night (paranoid and a little drunk). It wasn't right and I apologized but I still found he was on a hardcore porn fetish site and I found he was more aggressively watching porn (he already watched hardcore stuff but this time it seemed more escalated as well). He couldn't finish during sex the other day until he started fapping on his own, that made me realize we both needed help right now. I know he loves me and wants this relationship to work just like I do. I've been so supportive of what he's going through and I haven't shamed him or been angry because I completely understand, it's an addiction. He didn't even realize that what he was doing was wrong or cheating. He was living in a fantasy world. He gave me his passwords and deleted all the apps to prove he wanted to change but I know if he keeps watching porn and masturbating it will eventually lead back to cybersex and everything that comes with it. I won't give up on him and I won't give up on myself. I don't want to push him to do NoFap with me but I know he needs it. If he's not ready though, I don't know how I'll be able to do this if he continues to watch porn and masturbate in the same house as me.

    I began yesterday and already failed because I had a free minute alone in the house and he hadn't touched me in days. I've started fresh again today and I'm trying to find accountability.
    I told him I was going to start this and he sees me reading the books at night. He said he thinks it's a great idea and mentioned he should try it but has avoided any more conversations about it. I did tell him I wanted him to do research on his own about NoFap so he knows exactly what will be expected of him. My fear is he'll never start and I can't force him.

    Am I setting myself up for failure?
    dwarfstruggles and Butterfly1988 like this.
  2. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Wow. Thank you for sharing your story.

    As an SO, I always wished I was more “cool” with porn. Maybe I would be in a better place with my relationship. But, I see it’s kind of an lose-lose situation for anyone involved.

    As far as your question, I think right now you both may be a little co-dependent. This happens in relationships in which only one person is the addict too!

    When this all started with my SO, My therapist gave me the advice to go on a 90 day break from my SO. I never took his advice out of fear and clingy ness and co-dependency and I wonder if we’d be in a more healed place had I listened.

    Whatever you do, make sure you focus on and celebrate yourself for your progress. You got this.
    htxgirl likes this.
  3. htxgirl

    htxgirl Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much for your reply!

    I think you're spot on. It's a lose lose situation. I feel terrible about myself for even allowing porn in our relationship and I helped cultivate even more the addiction he's in and the one I'm in. I thought it was like a cool little sexy secret we had when in reality we're damaging everything we built.
    I thought about taking time off when I caught him but he also struggles with anxiety and depression. I get so angry that I make excuses for him but when he came fully clean to me, deleted everything, gave me his passwords, etc. I felt like well, if he can get out of his comfort zone and all his dark places be revealed to me, I need to do the same. It's hard to be angry at what he did when I'm just as addicted to PMO.

    But you are right, I need to do this for my well being and if it gets to the point that I'm failing being here I need to separate myself. Still scary because even thinking of not being with him makes my heart hurt.

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