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Fiancé has a crossdressing fettish

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by FeelingLost, Mar 16, 2017.

  1. FeelingLost

    FeelingLost New Fapstronaut

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    Months into our relationship, my boyfriend told me that when he was growing up, he didn't know what masturbation was. He only found out about it when his friends told him how good it felt. So he went home after school and would experiment. When he was 14 he thought he would try on some of his sister's clothes. The action of turning into a woman was erotic to him, and it still haunts him today. He hasn't actually cross dressed in years, but with the media talking about the normalization of cross dressing in society, and snapchat filters, and Instagram accounts, he can't escape the urges. He will fight it for months on end, but eventually relapses.

    Initially I was really confused about what this meant for us. Since he has told me about his addiction, we got engaged and were "working" on this as a couple. But "working on it" meant avoiding the subject. He didn't want to admit when he was struggling and then relapsed and I felt forgotten. I felt like he didn't think about me at all in moments when he feels an urge. But recently I have encouraged him to open up with me when he needs to talk things out. He has gotten better about it, but he relapsed the other night after we had hung out...from a Snapchat filter. He immediately deleted the app, as well as many other social media apps. He feels utterly ashamed and doesn't want this to be a part of his life. I have asked on many occasions if he might really want to be a cross dresser, and each time he says no. It is a fettish.

    So I'm feeling completely lost. Since he has become more open about it all, he tells me after he has relapsed. I immediately fire back with some overwhelming retort that isn't helpful to him at all. But it's so frustrating to be the bigger person when he's the one that is acting on an urge. He tells me that they can get too strong and in those moments he doesn't think rationally or about anyone at all. I am trying to detach myself from his issue, but it's difficult to do. He's asking me to be there and support him in every instance where he feels weak, and it's exhausting. I told him that he needs to remember that I am dealing with this too; that it's OUR issue now, but it is taking time for him to understand. He is looking into meeting with a counselor who specializes in sexual addictions, which was his own idea. I was impressed but it's still terrible to feel estranged from him. I don't understand this addiction...I was never addicted to porn or masturbation and so it's confusing and hurtful to me.

    I FEEL ALONE.
     
    Inland589 likes this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. While I have little experience with your husband's problem I wanted to let you know that there are people here who are listening. I agree that society is becoming more and more permissive in what is acceptable behavior. Many fringe behaviors are becoming more mainstream. But unfortunately not all these behaviors are healthy.

    From what I've read, many men cross-dress as a means to relieve stress. It may or may not have a sexual component. Men dress up in times of extreme stress or anxiety. For some cross-dressing is an addiction. But even if it isn't a classic addiction it can be viewed as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Many addicts need to learn how to cope with life in healthy ways. If exposed during our formative years, we may never have learned alternate skills because our addiction did such a good job of masking the pain.

    You mention how you feel he does not think of how you feel when he acts out and dresses up. That is classic for addicts. Addicts go into a 'trance' or 'autopilot' when they act out. Parts of their brain that control higher thinking literally shuts off. It's called hypofrontality. Things like decision making, risk assessment, morality, conscience (right and wrong), logic, and time management go away. Addicts act out to sooth emotional pain and has no relation to logic or reason. They simply want the pain or discomfort to go away. When the addict finishes acting out they feel even worse than when they started.

    Unhealthy behaviors creates a cloud of shame, guilt, and embarrassment that interferes with trust and intimacy in a relationship. If those qualities are gone then the whole relationship is brought into question. Communication and treatment are the keys to getting it back on track. The longer this goes on the more resentment grows. Instead of growing closer, partners grow further apart.

    There are others who have had this problem. Maybe they will chime in or maybe you have to do a search and find how they were able to handle their problem. In the meantime I hope we can provide you with whatever information, advice, and support we have.
     
  3. mnunez9

    mnunez9 Fapstronaut

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    As someone who identifies as genderqueer and also enjoys cross dressing, i think this might not be a simple fetish. I can see why he might call it a fetish. He is engaged and doesnt want to upset you any more than he is already doing. However, i think that crossdressing might indicate he is not a cis male, as you had originally assumed. In other words, his behavior might reflect his gender identity and it might not be aligned with what you want or are willing to accept. I think that overcoming porn addiction can be very helpful to his recovery but I also think that you have to be prepared to accept the possibility that has is genderqueer or trans. That would put you in a difficult position but to deny that it's possible is not reasonable. If he wants to present as a woman or if he identifies as a woman, either you can accept him as he is or you can end the relationship. I think that if you can't accept him as he is, it might be better to let him go his own path and continue traveling down your own distinct path. As you mentioned earlier, his "fetish" is an increasingly difficult burden for you to carry and you shouldn't feel obligated to carry it. You deserve to be with someone who is complete, who is not confused about their identity, someone who is more stable. If you really can't stand the thought of losing him, try to read books on being genderqueer, on the performance of gender, cross dressing and pansexuality. If your don't want to do that, I think you'll be happier leaving him. Either way, it makes sense to wait until after the porn addiction has been addressed. That's my advice on the matter. Good luck
     
  4. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Admittedly, I know nothing about cross-dressing. I was under the impression that many just liked taking on the personal and appearance (perhaps just don the clothes), without there being any implications in their sexual preferences.

    I will however offer you what I would say to any significant other.

    You are not alone. Ask any questions you like. Nothing is too private or taboo here. There are plenty that will step up and try to offer perspectives. In fact, there is a very supportive Signficant others Support group attached to the forum. You should join. I hear there are some wonderful understanding people there. If you can't find the group on your own, you can send @ILoathePwife a message for assistance.

    I would never ask you to normalize behavior your not comfortable with. That is for you to make a choice, and to know yourself and what your limits are. Having boundaries and communicating them is very healthy. You have every right to communicate your needs. So don't give up. I'm happy to hear that you do have communication that is supportive with him (even if it does sound strained at the moment). Communication and knowing your mind is key is working through the relationship.

    (Again I wish I knew more to offer any help)
    I guess I would ask a few questions though. I know it's not helpful to ask you this, when you are seeking answers of your own. I am curious though. Perhaps you can provide some insight.

    Have you actually been witness to one of his sessions to see what it truly meant? Do you feel when he is cross-dressing that his sexuality is different? Or do you find it too abnormal and uncomfortable to the point you would avoid approaching him during his sessions? (Again, I know nothing about this subject.)
     
  5. Former_CD

    Former_CD Fapstronaut

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