Fifth Date: we had sex and that made things weird...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by seth, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

    I guess this post warrants a trigger warning, as I get a touch explicit.

    I've been seeing this girl for a number of dates and they have progressed really nicely. I met her through CMB, and we've had great, fluid, candid conversations every time we've met. On our fourth date, a week ago, we went to a park, and laid down on a blanket and shared some kisses. It was really nice.

    For this date (this past Friday) I invited her over to my house to make a meal together. We were alone, so we had the privacy that we hadn't had before. The food came out great. Great, fluid conversation as usual. For all of my dates with her, there was no nervousness beforehand, just pure excitement to see her. I like her.

    At the end of the meal, we're drinking mead, and the conversation winds down. We both know where this is going, so she asks, "are you going to show me your room now?" I say, "yes".

    In my room we talk some more and then we start kissing. There's the best part, the excitement for what's about to happen. We're on our bed. I take off my shirt, and she giggles. We're caressing each other. This continues for a few minutes. She's not initiating taking off her clothes or anything like that so I ask consent (PS EVERY MALE SHOULD ALWAYS FUCKING ASK FOR CONSENT). I simply stop kissing her, make eye contact, and lightly say, "Hey are you comfortable with this?" I was expecting her to say yes, and continue kissing, but she didn't respond.

    I pulled back and asked again, "Hey are you comfortable with this? I'm all about consent, I'm not going to do anything you don't want to do." And she got a bit shy, looked away, and then said, "let's just not have sex."

    I'm a bit disappointed, but I'm kind of just really happy to hold her, that I let it pass. We escalate a few times, a little bit of dry humping, nothing more, and just end up conversing while cuddling for a majority of the night.

    While talking, she shares with me that she doesn't really get pleasure from sex. And she often finds herself just wanting the guy to just cum already. In my ego, I have the thought, "oh that will change. I'm going to give a ton of oral, and it'll be great." But we don't have sex.

    We talked for 3-4 hours, and then we went to sleep.

    We woke up 4 hours later and continued the same thing.

    A few hours later, she somewhat surprisingly (out-of-the-blue) says, "Ok, you want to have sex?" I calmly respond, "yes." lol

    We escalate, take off clothes. She won't let me give her oral b/c she was self-conscious (not that I would have cared....).

    Now in my past experiences, the first few thrusts are a bit dry, but then the vagina lubricates itself and then that's when a good rhythm is established.

    In this case, her vagina never lubricated. We even used lube (but probably not excessively enough). We never got into a rhythm. I could tell she wasn't enjoying it, with the exception of a few brief seconds. So, remembering what she said, I tried to cum as quickly as possible. Now I feel like I'm using her and I'm too performance oriented, which I didn't like. She could sense my stress to cum and my uncomfortabless. She kept trying to convince me that she liked it by saying, "I like the intimacy" and I felt like she was just saying that to make me comfortable. I felt that was her way of saying, "I don't really like it." In hindsight, I think she was just saying the truth.

    Just a side: this has nothing to do with PIED. I've never had that.

    So, I didn't cum, and we had a really tense moment where we didn't know what to make of it. I was thinking, fuck that was somewhat disappointing, and she's thinking, "oh no, he didn't like it." The sex just ruined this great thing we had.

    Her eyes watered in sadness and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want her to be sad, but I didn't want to lie.

    She even asked if I wanted her to leave, and I say, "what? no way!" But it still feels awkward. I try to get her to feel more comfortable by telling her I really like her. It helps a bit, but still. Eventually she compares sex for her to be like me giving oral. I enjoy giving oral, but it doesn't give me any physical pleasure, just mental. Sex for her is the same. She doesn't derive much pleasure from it, but she enjoys the intimacy. With this mindset, she asked if I wanted to try again. Not having cum yet, I said, sure.

    I enjoyed it more. I wasn't trying to cum. But after a short while, she asked to stop, because she wasn't enjoying it. Still never cummed =/

    And that was that.

    We stayed in bed until 11. I made her breakfast, and then she left.

    And when she left, I felt this profound sadness. Hit me like a train. Boom. Super lonely. Sad. Don't know what to do with myself. And it took a while (essentially until today) to process what happened. Why was I sad?

    I think what happened is I made an assumption: I assumed the sex would always be disappointing. That's totally not true. There's a bunch of things I can do. We can try lube more liberally. Also, I generally try to masturbate the day before or morning of, when I know I'm going to have sex. In this case, I can try going several days without. As a Fapstraunaut, this should not be an issue at all (I'm not refraining from MO these days, but I've had a 150 day hard mode streak before). I had been masturbating about 5-6 times a week, looking to cut down to 1-3 times. Now I have a reason to!

    Also, we were together in bed for 13 hours and we only slept 4 of those hours. That's an absurd amount of time to be with someone. I was aware of it in the moment, but I figured, "This is our first time" we can be reckless with the time. But going forward, I think I will avoid that. It was too much and it fucked with my emotions. I felt such a loss when she left and that was a consequence from being with her intimately (cuddling) for such a long continuous time.

    We've been texting a lot since, we have a date this Friday, and I'm stoked about it. I'm going to ask to make our relationship official. And it should be great!

    Just wanted to share that story with my fellow fapstraunauts to help me process. In writing it, I think I did process it.

    TLDR; I have sex on the 5th date, it's somewhat disappointing. But instead of assuming it will always be like that, I remember why I like her and I'm looking forward to seeing her this Friday.
    Lightseeker and OheyApple like this.
  2. Hilarious. Either Skyrim or he's really Robin Hood and his merry men were watching in closet the entire time.
    Mattsfreedom likes this.
  3. Ghost79

    Ghost79 Fapstronaut

    How about it keeping a long story short, so others would actually care...
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  4. Deadpool.420

    Deadpool.420 Fapstronaut

    You gotta tell her to join this forum cuz she faps too much
    Theres no way a girl wouldnt orgasm if she has sex and hvnt MBed for a while but you also gotta use the perfect postions and techniques instead of motorboating the pussy.
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  5. Baroque

    Baroque Fapstronaut

    You ask for consent?
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  6. Cool, it's not just me that thinks this is weird. I mean, from reading the story, that's implied consent. That's enough. The whole "consent" thing or "ask first" is a feminist thing.
    Baroque likes this.
  7. I think its really sweet and considerate that you ask for consent :) It doesn't sound like it's weird between you two to me. It sounds like you have something really nice together! For the sex stuff, she probably needs to relax, not worry about either of you reaching orgasm, just enjoy the overall experience (for the intimacy, like she says) and then maybe allow you to play around with a little more clit stimulation through gentle fingering or oral. So maybe you can try help her relax and forget about the orgasm part. Maybe you could say "You are so gorgeous. I love your body. I just want to touch you because you're beautiful. Don't worry about orgasm, let's just explore," ;) haha something like that so she doesn't feel like it's a waste of time if she can't get there or she can't get you there. I know for me, I haven't yet orgasmed without oral. Wonder why she feels self-conscious about that? Maybe you can set her mind at ease about it. Good luck! Sounds like you two have a real connection :)
  8. Ghost_Rider

    Ghost_Rider Fapstronaut

    Hey bro, you never know with women, Specially as you said she was "not wet",
    when a woman is not wet , its either because she doesnt like you enough or she doesn't feel safe or comfortable around you.
    whatever be the case, you have to figure it out. Till then, keep enjoying with her,.
    Trust but verify ;)
  9. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

    What is a matter with you guys. I've been a member for 3 years and I have never seen any negativity or cyber-bullying like this. I was struggling with something really personal, and I went this site - the one place I have never received any judgement ever before. I opened up and I chose to be very detailed to help me process the story. And the first two comments are about the alcohol we drank.

    Then the next comment is about the length of my story.
    You want to talk about keeping it short @Hawx79 Get your fucking negativity out of here.


    And then two comments about asking for Consent. @Matrix Intel and you still believe there's such a thing as non-consensual sex.
    There is no such thing as non-consensual sex. There's a separate name for it. It's called rape.


    I was going to comment on how I saw her yesterday and everything was ameliorated. We had an amazing conversation. Amazing sex. Great intimacy. It was really nice, and we're now officially a couple.

    Way to fucking dampen my day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2017
  10. Why the hell would I lie about my streak? This is forever. Take a chill pill. My comment wasn't even offensive, unlike others.
  11. Dude, I was referring to implied consent. I'm not promoting rape, get your head straight. All I was saying is that I personally, just my opinion, think it is silly to ask for consent when it is so obviously implied. But I wasn't there, so I can't really say. Like you said, she was nervous, so maybe that's why you asked. Don't take things out of context and get triggered right away. If you think going 130 some days is not possible, or really hard, then you have a hard road ahead of you my friend.
  12. Next time, don't accuse me of lying about my streak, or anyone for that matter. I earned that mother fucker and don't take that shit lightly. You haven't seen what true spirtual warfare is like. It would make your head spin. I dare you to continue nofap for infinity and drop PM forever. Maybe then, you will see where I am coming from. Your biggest mistake with me was accusing me of lying about my streak.
  13. Mattsfreedom

    Mattsfreedom Fapstronaut

    Hilarious I thought the same thing.
    This is also hilarious.


    Chill. He accused you of lying about your streak so what. That's his character defect not yours.

    @seth what do you think the problem was?
    seth likes this.
  14. TetsuoAkira

    TetsuoAkira Fapstronaut

    To be blunt...

    You are overthinking about a lot of stuff

    If she's not wet, then you haven't executed your one job to turn her on

    Asking for permission/consent is literally the quickest way to making a vagina dry out, she wants to FEEL something, not think while in bed with you

    But for some reason, due in part to the feminist agenda, it's a hot topic at the moment

    If a girl wakes up in the morning in bed with you, and you haven't given her an orgasm, whether selflessly or through intercourse, you fucked up, there's no other way to say it

    Sex exists in the moment, and is not meant to be a script

    You don't need to be literal with everything, you don't need to vocalise everything, just be aware that she won't say no if you've turned her on
    Baroque likes this.
  15. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

    @Matrix Intel I would like to apologize. I overreacted and your comment was not as offensive as I originally read it to be. If you can imagine my point of view for a second, I open my and share an intimate story, and the first 5 comments are not really useful feedback. But as you can see, it's very easy for things to escalate. So, I sincerely apologize. Here I am complaining about cyber-bullying, when I'm just doing the same thing back to you. Not very level headed of me.

    Also, my signature says "fuck counters" because I think counters are detrimental to the whole rebooting process. Read my journal if you'd like, and you'd see I haven't watched porn since December or January. I'm not even sure. That's 150 days or something, so we're actually around the same point in our reboot. I can promise you I won't be watching porn again in this lifetime. I sincerely congratulate you on your progress.

    The reason I accused you of lying about your streak is because I could not believe some one with a 130 day streak still could believe in non consensual sex. It blew my mind. As a feminist, it bothered me. However this was all a misunderstanding. You were not advocating for non consensual sex (aka rape) in any way. So obviously I take my comment back. I hope that you can, even for a second, understand my point of view, since I thought you were saying something quite different.

    I was totally wrong to accuse you of lying about NoFap. I'm a big feminist, and I misread your comment to mean that consent is not important. That gets under my skin. If you can imagine me reading your comment that way, you may be able to understand why I said what I said. But I also see that from your point of view, I attacked you seemingly unprovoked. I desperately tried to say something to piss you off, and it looks like I succeeded, but it was totally unfair and uncool of me. To be fair, you did the same thing. Obviously enraged at what I said, you said:
    A bit harsh, but I'll take that. You don't know me. I don't know you. I'll swallow that comment, and move on. I'll apologize again for falsely accusing you, for being hypocritical, and hope that you accept it. I can live with it either way.


    Also, the issue of her dryness was that we escalated too many times and then had sex later. Many women can't get wet repeatedly through the course of several hours. It had nothing to do with my performance. Asking for consent had nothing to do with that. We had sex this past weekend, and it was amazing. She initiated. She said it was the best she's had. Dryness was not an issue. We really connected. That dryness was a one-time thing.

    The reason I asked for consent is because I noticed I was escalating and she wasn't reciprocating. I kinda checked in with her - "hey do you want to do this?" And she said no. In the past sex has not always been pleasurable for her so she didn't want to ruin a good thing we've had by potentially having bad sex. Only until the next morning did she ask to have sex and by that point, it wasnt as much in the moment, hence the dryness. This past weekend was much more into the moment, hence the sex was great.
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2017
  16. sex is not love.
  17. OheyApple

    OheyApple Fapstronaut

    Damn this was so interesting to read I usually can't read long posts but this was cool as fuck. Every guy should ask for consent and ask the girl what she wants. It's usually the guy who initiates being sexual so you should always ask!!!! Man I wanna know what happens next!!!'

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