Fighting against innate animal tf fetish and furry porn (trigger warning!)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Freedom_from_PMO, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Trying to put all the parts together made me super aware how fucked up my past was (well I knew it before anyway, but for years I was to scared/disgusted to think about it). Now I am on day 6 and I feel great. I hope I will defeat addiction. Story contains mentions of various fetishes and situations, so it might be triggering. I am 24, male, virgin and straight. With woman I went as far as kissing. I am catholic christian. I never told my story of addiction to anyone and feel that I just have to.

    I have innate animal transformation fetish. I can remember obsessive thoughts about changing into an animal from my early childhood. I remember spending time looking at covers of Animorphs books, especially this one with a girl transforming into a crocodile. I was scared of it at the beginning, but after some time I became fascinated by it. Crocodiles and reptiles were later big turn on for me. And there was crappy anime with a cute girl transforming into pig. I remember sticking cat face stiker on image of a half naked woman I found somwhere when I was idk but 4 or 5 I guess (super wierd when I think about it). Around the age of 10-12, just before puberty I was often imagining myself changing into different animals. It was wierdly fascinating, but it felt also odd, I felt like it didn't match my other hobbies, interests and who I was. When my puberty started those imaginations started giving me erection. I discovered M during such "session" and transforming into animal became my first masturbation fantasy.

    At the age of 13, maybe 14 I discovered transformation art (tf art), sfw at the beginning. I was looking at it, becoming aroused and M was following. Tf art community is full of furries and fetishists so I soon discovered erotic tf art, pornographic tf and after that furry porn. At the beginning I continued practice of watching it until the point I was too aroused and I "had" to go to M. Later I started M-ing to it. Tf porn (mostly women changing) and furry porn (mostly straight with no other fetishes) was almost all porn I ever fapped to. I remember just a few situations when I fapped to regular porn, usually to check if I am still even into human women. The good thing was that always, after a few days of abstaining from PMO, or even furry/tf P my desires were always changing to more normal, but I also always had super powerful chaser effects and it was hard to abstain from PMO longer than 2-3 days.

    The most evil aspect of furry porn is that it contains lots and lots of other extreme fetishes. There is huge chance that someting will infect you. I was disgusted by most extreme fetishes, but some cathed. Soon after I discovered furry and tf porn I started fap to gender transformation (especially male to female), lesbian porn and bestiality. Gender tf and bestiality fantasies were usually fading when I wasn't looking at it. I guess it was so arousing because stories/sequences containing it contained often elements of submission (I was slowly becoming more and more submissive all the time of my addiction) and giving up to taboo cravings. I was kind of addicted to giving up to relapse, it was itself arousing, so it was very hard to break from the cursed cycle.

    At the age of 18 (maybe 17) I started to have crossdressing fascination. It faded when I was 20-21. It wasn't constant. No such thoughts could have been present for weeks or months. Then suddenly I had lots of thoughts about crossdressing, I was visitnig sites for crossdressers and wearing women clothes and make up sometimes when I was alone. I didn't knew why I was doing that, I always felt sexual feelings during crossdressing, sometimes masturbating. I wasn't trans, I didn't have the need to be treated like women and I didn't have gender dysphoria. When I was 20-21 I discovered animal transformation and feminisation hypno. At the beginning sfw stuff, but this is always slippery slope, c-d cravings faded, but from time to time I was listening to animal tf hypno. I tried external prostate massage, but I failed. I also have from time to time obsessive thoughts about autofellatio.

    This state of things was going for years and I felt helpless. Last year I become depressed. I thought that it was typical "that feel when no girlfriend" young lonely man's depression, because it kicked in after I broke up with my ex. I tried to fix my fetishistic PMO addiction. I started to fap usually in 2-3 day cycle (until chaser effect, sometimes I was relapsing for couple of days), I ceased "occasional" fap (e.g. while showering). I was trying to make compromise with my furry fetish, that is listen to sfw animal tf hypno or look at sfw furry images, but more often than to fulfilling need it was leading to another relapse. Late last year and early this year I was finally starting to deeply thinking about my situation. As I said before, when I wasn't in porn fuelled trance, I was disgusted about it. But something needed to change. The more I tried to stop, the worse relapses become. It might have been because I actually have to push myself a bit to fap to regular porn or sometimes even just without it. However fetish stuff was just breaking me. So often I experienced the situation when I pushed myself not to reset MO mode, just to fell to terrible relapse next day or just few hours later, usually after some "just one glimpse" situation that escalated into watching P and PMO. I was frustrated because I was aware that those "glimpses" are leading to relapse and I have to get rid of them, but I was unable to did that.

    As I said I fought harder, but relapses became worse. This year I had worst porn experience ever. I found long furry porn sequence that had it all: reptile tf and submission, in addition to this gender tf, bestiality and gay anal. Besides from experiments with prostate massage and one of two times with putting something there I wasn't into anal masturbation, but after seeing that something clicked in my porn diseased mind and suddenly I wanted to be anally penetrated, so I started playing with my butt with average effects at the beginning. This one piece of porn pushed my fetishes further than years of PMO. I usually played with my ass after relapsing to that terrible sequence. It always felt absolutely terrible after relapse, but that crap was overwhelmingly hot. I also got better effects with tf hypno. I think I actually felt physical change and animal body during trance. I was very lonely with my fetishes so I created account on forum for fetishists. In the beginning it was actually helpful and I talked to people who had similar innate fetish. I wasn't alone with this.

    After enough introspection and counseling my depression was gone. It wasn't really about loneliness, as I believed, but about helplessness about fetishes. As I said for long time I wasn't really thinking about my fetish side, but I was deeply inside repulsed by this and I felt that I am broken person, determined to be deviant. My attitude changed when I understood that while I may not have control over having or not having my animal tf/furry fetish, but I have power not to PMO and further fuel my fetishes. This realisation came from book "Love and Responsibility" on catholic sexual ethics by Karol Wojtyła (John Paul II). The message was that sex drive is itself morally neutral, sexual acts have moral weight. I stopped blaming myself for something I have no control over. I was always very religious and politically reactionary (I prefer this term to conservative, because today this term is associated more often with free market and free speech, especially in US, rather than with traditional values, religious traditionalism, in opposition to both religious modernism and fundamentalism and social hierarchy) and usually hanged out with people with similar worldview, however I am not close minded, I have friends from all backgrounds and corners of political spectrum. The direction my sex life was heading was against who I was on the outside, and also against my more natural, that is free from porn, desires. As I mentioned the effect of abstaining from porn was alway comeback of normal desires, but usually I was always failing and relapsing. I wanted normal sexual life with a woman, but at the same time I was fogged by porn.

    Initially account on fetish forum had positive effects, but soon negatives showed up. I developed very fast petplay fetish, because it seemed to be method to realise animal tf fetish in real life, maybe with understanding partner. At some point I craved to buy petplay gear and participate in it. The anal thing became worse, I was fascinated by idea of pegging and wearing a buttplugg (having them in my ass was changing me into mindless fucktoy) and experimented more often with penetrating my anus (usually after/during relapse to that cursed furry porn sequence). I don't know if I achieved anal orgasms, but I definitely achieved sensations there similar to that I got from my penis during M. Few weeks ago I have most terrifying experience connected to animal tf hypno. I usually listened to wolf or dog hypno, because they were available. That night I had problems with falling asleep (similar situation were often leading to PMO). Suddenly I rolled on all fours, started barking and growling like a dog. My mind was filled with unwanted thought "I WANT TO BE A DOG". After a moment I started to listening to lots of different hypno tf videos, some with sexual themes, some of them gay. Finally I listened to over hour long petplay training/fantasy file that ended with bottoming in zoophile gay encounter. In trance I felt anal orgasm, I was moaning like cumming dog *****. It was fucking scary. Fetish forum became a burden. I was using it for fetishistic erotic roleplay, source of porn and it brought back my crossdressing fascination. At the beginnig it was like "if I am into fetish stuff anyway I might crossdress", then I was fantasizing about wearing petplay gear and women clothes and underwear and finally crossdressing craving came back and I almost fell to them.

    They say night is darkest before the dawn. I deleted forum account and hypno files in late march. At the beginning I had strong desires to come back. But that crossdressing anal-bottom, petplay persona was not who I am. I think that except from dopamine rush I was motivated by need of acceptance, participating in sexually unorthodox community is a way to find partner without normal dating. But it was heading in very bad direction. I was straight and not trans. I was never sexually aroused by male body or genitals, I never had dysphoria and I like to be a man. I have thoughts that it may end with experimenting with gay sex as a bottom if I am going to totally embrace this direction. I read stories of heteroromantic people who because of varios experiences became trans in sexual situations only and homoerotic. I knew that initially I would look for a female partner but finding gay sex partner is easier than woman who would like to participate in this kind of fetishes, even in the fetish community. I never actually participated in fetish play with anyone, but looking at those sites pushed me really far. I have no idea how far would I find myself if I will participate.

    Now I am on day six. It is probably my longest nofap and I feel confident about it. In the beggining desires were bad (I have terrible chaser effects), I wanted to came back to fetish site and recreate this bottom, crossdressing petplayer. I wasn't even glimpsing or acting otherwise dangerously. I was aware that I had to do this to win, but I was always failing, now it seems to work. Since day four fetish cravings faded and were replaced by vanilla straight desires. It was hard for me to control fetish desires, but I have much more control over normal sexual fantasies, so I do not fall for them. I am very happy that my sexuality is beginning slowly normalising. I knew it is going to be a long process and relapse to fetish porn, especially more extreme might happen and can be devastating. I think I once did 4 or 5 days that ended in totally crazy relapse. Now I want to do everything to not relapse, because I feel really good with direction I am heading now. Writing this text helped me to realise how bad it was, before I was afraid to fully confront this darkness within, but now I have hope and determination to win.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  2. Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
     
  3. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Last night was very hard (no relapse however). I had gay sex fantasies for the first time ever, crossdressing cravings, anal penetration cravings. It was penetration that was arousing, not male body however.
     
  4. Abetterbrain

    Abetterbrain Fapstronaut

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    Not sure that video is totally safe to post, buddy. There are some very arousing images there and presented by a hot woman. Some may be triggered.
     
  5. My apologies, I often forget what may trigger some may not trigger others.

    Back to the topic of discussion, I believe that the further you’ll go along in your lifestyle of abstaining from PMO you’ll loose fetishes and you’ll get a clearer picture of why you may have had them in the first place. Understanding fetishes calls for one to understand the subconscious. There is an abundance of information on the subconscious and theories regarding it on YouTube if you search the subject.
     

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