Fighting inner demons: straight or gay?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by averagedude, Mar 19, 2018.

  1. averagedude

    averagedude New Fapstronaut

    I have been reading over these posts for a while so i decided i should go ahead and tell my story.
    Id consider myself a prety typical Australian 17 year old; im into basketball, surfing, water polo etc. I would say that i suffer from severe depression or that my life is a mess. Anyway ill start with my dilema from the beginning. i was introduced to masturbation at about age 12 and to porn at about age 14. before i started MO i was solely attracted to women and the thought of homosexuality or intercourse physically repulsed me. I constantly had crushes on girls in my class although i most of the earlier crushes were attraction to their personality and not theirr physical attributes but i assume this was due to my age and innocence etc. I would fantasise about saving their lives and saving them from fires and them fallingg in love all kinds of romantic shit. When i started PMO i never really fapped to scandally clad women and would get more arround when they were clothed with some cleavage showing or in yoga pants or whatever. i also never though about having sexual intercourse with them while masturbating but i was big into things like handjobs and lapdances and found them expremely arousing etc. in fact i still dont masturbate to the thought of sexual intercourse (or did), just to them giving me sexual favours and the thoughts of their bodies etc. this was also reflected in the type of porn i watched from when i started. it was solely handjob porn and lapdances until i was about 16. I had my first girlfriend at 14 but would become extremely anxious when she tried to jerk me off and lose my erection, in fact i would actively try to avoid situations where we went further than kissing and pettg . so at 16 i discovered a little thing called femdom por. for the next year that was mainly what i was into. it started with femdom handjobs and cfnm porn but progressed to pegging. at first it repuled me but i got into it. i would alternate between femdom and masturbating to pics of girls i knew. anyway recently i started nofap because i have had many offers of sex fom women but turned them down or didnt want to go further than kissing because i was scared and mainly anxious that i wouldnt get an erectiong. i started nofap about 3 months ago due to this but on my first relapse i made the mistake of warhcing tranny porn. that flipped a swithc in my head and ive been questioning my sexuality constantly ever since. , this ha never happened before, i mean i have been able to tell whether a guy is good looking amd would even check them out but i would envy them for being attractive not thing about getting with them. i have now got myself a girlfriend who is absolutely beautiful but i am scared to have sex with her because i fear im gay and im scared of losing my erection. i am a virgin and so is she. i have a streak of about 16 days currently which was going well. it was hard at the beginning because i constantly got hard over fantasising aboutbottoming and having sex with men, which would have repulsed me a few years ago. my NoFap journey was going well and i was finally getting aroused thinking about women again but earlier today i had the overwhelming urge to get bottomed and i feel as though i am gay. this is really tearin me appart. is thisdue to pornography or and i bisexual or gay. take into mind that i have never got hard over fantasising about having sex with women (intercourse) only their boobs and butts and revieving handjobs and other fetishes as my fetishes got weirder. sorry for the long read.
  2. Coolkid999

    Coolkid999 New Fapstronaut

    Sounds intense. I've found myself slowly fantasising about things over time I'd never have dreamed about a few years ago.

    I've made the plunge on a whim almost, because there is a chain on my ankle, and porn and MO are tethering me and stopping me doing things that are healthy and good for me.

    Day zero here. I think when we reboot , we get our feelings back. Habits take a while to form, and break when they're bad too. Keep up the fight.
  3. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

    Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I hope you keep coming back.

    I don't know what to tell you about the questions you have, other than to say this: getting away from porn and fantasy can only help you to get clear. Realize that as "tasty" as it is, it is still poison. Very good-tasting poison, but poison nonetheless.
  4. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Any updates? I'm going through somewhat similar things
  5. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

    Our sexuality can change over time. It may be that you have what's known as sexual fluidity. That is what I have experienced; I never realized I was bisexual until about 3 years ago. Before that realization, I was exclusively attracted to girls. That doesn't make me gay, nor does it mean that one day I will become gay. It just means that my body and mind change over time, so therefore what turns me on may be different than what it used to be.

    It's not worth worrying about, my friend.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
  6. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    This is called performance anxiety, many guys have it at the beginning of their sex life, and it often gets better with time.

    From your story, I can tell you're not gay.

    By the way, a lot of gay men never have anal sex.

    Now, if you are bisexual or not, that question only you can answer after having a sex life.

    Also, I would argue that you didn't have the urge to get bottomed, because it never happened to you before so you don't really know how it would be like. On the other hand, watching the pictures that you have can create a sort of fetish.

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