Finally decided to take the plunge and get this addiction out of my life once and for all.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Mr Jaz, Nov 11, 2020.

  1. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    Hello All,

    I posted the following intro in the appropriate reboot logs thread for my age group not knowing that it would've been appropriate here first. In any case my introduction is below. (Note: I wrote this yesterday at 4:30AM in the age 30-39 reboot log forum, after reaching a really dark place in my life two hours earlier).


    INTRO:

    31 year old male from the states here. Come from an immigrant family that moved to the US in the mid 90s when I was 6 years old.

    My reason for posting / reaching out to you all in this community is that I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough! I have reached a very high level of desperation and the pain is unbearable and I’ve decided to reach out to this community for help.

    First, here is my story.

    First started watching porn at the age of 13. It was pretty vanilla at first; just pictures of naked girls.
    It then escalated to the hardcore stuff pretty quickly. I vividly remember sneaking my moms credit card at 16 to get a membership for a porn site just so I could access the full stash of pictures and videos and then making up a lie when she asked me about the charge.
    All throughout high school I fapped at least once a day to two or even three times per day.
    Fast forward to when I’m in university and pornhub is just becoming a thing.
    I literally kept up the same pace of pmo as in high school except when the school work would force me not too.
    I did have a gf at this point and lost my virginity to her and we’d have sex pretty regularly so this helped...a little.
    I noticed that even after having sex I’d have urges to watch porn....probably the dopamine.
    When I would engage in pmo during this time I felt it was becoming more and more escalated, going from mmf (male-male-female) porn to ffm porn to gang bangs. It was never enough... my brain would always be on the lookout for the next best thing... the next high.

    It’s enough to say that during this time my confidence was at an all time low and I didn’t do too well in social situations either; I wasn’t able to maintain eye contact with people and sometimes would get really bad social anxiety.

    I dated my gf for four years all throughout undergrad in college but in the end the relationship ended and was really devastating for me as I had never experienced such terrible heartbreak before. Looking back on it I can see now she was turned off by my lack of drive, self confidence, and a lack of clear purpose of what I wanted to do with my life.

    After graduating from this university and breaking up with my gf of four years I didn’t really kno what I was gonna do with my life and eventually started graduate school at the same university.

    This is where the pmo came back in full force as I was single again, but I failed to recognize it as a problem even at this late stage. I had also noticed I was getting turned on by even harder stuff and this eventually opened the door to hardcore tranny porn.

    As a graduate student I had my own office and things eventually escalated to where I would regularly fap in my office as no one was there to see me. Even more outrageous was that I would do it watching porn on the schools computers. These fap sessions left me drained, unmotivated and unable to focus on my school work. My procrastination became really worse as well.

    During about the third year of my grad school I stumbled upon NoFap and started reading about the effects of porn addiction. I was immediately motivated to give it a shot but my ego got the best of me and I never thought to post on the forums as I always thought I could do it myself and didn’t need to share it with anyone. In hindsight this was a horrible mistake.

    My experiments with no pmo ended up a failure and the longest streak I ever had was about two weeks after about a year or so of trying to quit.
    It seemed no matter how hard I tried it would come back harder and I found myself addicted again.

    My undergrad degree was in engineering and I was pursuing my grad degree in the same field. However, because of a lack of drive and motivation it took me four years to graduate with my masters in engineering as I switched majors several times going from physics and then back to engineering. This was in 2016. Long story short I attribute it all to my addiction to porn at this time.

    After graduating in 2016, I got a job at a small local company which I grew to hate cuz my boss was very controlling and liked to micromanage a lot. (Unfortunately, I am still at this job at the current moment but in the past year or so have gotten a real interest in software development and am completing a fully online software development bootcamp to change careers.)
    Anyways, I still continued my trials with no pmo during this stage on and off succeeding only for about a week or so at any given attempt.

    Then, towards the end of 2016, I met the girl who would eventually become the love of my life today. We eventually started dating in late 2017 and I found myself euphoric from being in a relationship all over again and experiencing sex! This allowed me to renew my efforts at no pmo and I eventually achieved my longest streak yet ... an entire month. Looking back this was mostly due to the fact that I was having sex again.

    However, I had no idea that the darkest part of this whole [email protected] addiction still awaited me.
    I remember it so vividly. I was at work and I was hit with an unusually strong urge to watch porn. Even though it had been a month and I had a gf with whom I was having regular sex, this urge put me into a trancelike state and I opened up a private browser on my work computer and began to think about the porn I wanted to search. However, this urge was very unusual as nothing that I would think to search would excite me.

    At this point, before my month long streak (this is late 2017), I was hardcore into tranny porn and straight and sissy porn music videos on pornhub; the faster and more rapid paced these vids were the more “high” I’d get.
    Anyways, as I figured out what to search next something popped into my mind that made me curious.... what about escorts I thought to myself?

    With that one curious thought I had opened up the darkest chapter of this hellish journey.

    My new addiction eventually became to escorts. I am very ashamed to write this, but from late 2017 to today, as I type these words, I have seen a total of
    9 escorts with 3 of them being trans escorts.

    Every now and then I will watch porn but with my evolved addiction it always transitions into browsing escort websites while texting them and masturbating during the process.

    I hit the lowest point I think in my life sometime back in October of this year when, without knowing it, I texted an escort from a site and eventually didn’t end up seeing her, but later found out that she was a decoy and was part of a larger sting operation that the police in my city conducted. The FBI were involved in this operation! I confirmed this when I read the local news and heard about the strategies they used and matched them with the conversation I had with that escort that night. I still cringe in fear every time I think of that moment and how my life would've been turned upside down had I decided to follow through and go.

    After I found this out, I became incredibly afraid and ashamed of what I had done and the possibility that I could’ve gone to jail and lost the love of my life over this addiction made me feel terrible. I cried terribly and felt tremendous rage at myself for what I could’ve lost in my life and I vowed to give it up for good.

    I eventually made it to 2 weeks before today this urge got the better of me again and I ended up texting and eventually following through and seeing an escort; as I sat in the car afterwards I cried again and felt terrible rage as well for having betrayed my gf yet again and spitting in the face of the values that my parents taught me. It is then that I made the decision that I can’t fight this thing alone....I had had enough!....I need the support of this community.

    I NEED YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!

    Given my story above, I am vowing to do no pmo for 100 consecutive days and then reassessing and continuing for a year afterwards.

    I will be mostly leaning towards hard mode but not entirely as I still see my gf and we have sex every now and then. Long story short, she lives about 45 minutes away in a neighboring city with her parents and so do I at the moment; we are both saving up money to get our own place and get married and start a family soon.

    I would like to conclude this by saying thank you all for existing! Whether it is those in the middle of their struggle, just starting, or ending their successful journey, being a part of this community gives me so much hope and anger that I did not make this jump sooner.

    I will journal here regularly each and everyday.
    Let the fight to get out of this darkness begin!

    That was my introduction above. Thanks for those that read this. If you would like to see my progress please check out my reboot log (in the age 30-39 forums) as I will be posting there every day.

    Much love!
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  2. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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  3. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Hi!
    Thank you for sharing your story! You're not alone.
    I would like to say some things..
    1. You need to confess. You need to talk with somebody about your addiction. That was the 1st step I made to start my recovery. You should start to think about a person, a really good friend or family member who you trust and love. It gonna take time, courage and it gonna be sooo hard and embarrasing to do it but also going to be sooooooo healing. Don't save anything, be clear and say it loud. it took me 6 years to do it but when i did it.. my life changed..
    2. It sounds like you really hit bottom but still you need to be honest with yourself about how much you really want to quit and what you're willing to do to make it happen.
    3. Set a realistic goal. Maybe 15 days to start.. then 30, then 60 and then 90 days.
    4. Forgive yourself! The past is behind and we're fighting for the present and future.. I recommend this post.. It helped a looot.. Take your time, take notes: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...te-my-dopamine-receptors.166287/#post-1410049
    5. Get married doesn't help to "cure" this addiction.. You can find hundreds of threads here talking about it.. it helps the first months to stop it but our brains always wants more and more and get high of dopamine and there's a moment that we just go back to porn.. So.. I know this is crazy but be honest with your girl.. She has the right to decide if she wants to stay with you and fight it together and also know what the future holds for you both.. If you get married still hiding this to her.. you both gonna be hurt in the future until you decide to be honest..

    I really really hope you can reach your first goal and do what you need to do to start..
    Good luck!
     
    InTheWilderness likes this.
  4. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your post! I have thought about it several times on whether I should tell her or not, but at this moment I have decided against it and have decided to give these forums a shot. If I have even one reset / failure, my next attempt will be to open up to her, no matter how painful it is going to be.

    I realize from reading some posts on here that getting married is definitely not a viable solution for fighting this addiction for everyone; this is def not my goal tbh. I am in this thing for the long haul - 100 days at first and then pushing it to a year after that.

    I will post daily on these forums.

    Thank you for the resource you provided; I will def read it.

    At the moment I am searching within myself to find out why I have failed so many times over the past 4-5 years of trying to fight this thing; even after things began to escalate. I am meditating constantly and from what I read the longer I meditate the more I'll be able to pay attention to my inner thoughts.

    Please check out my reboot log linked above and provide a link to yours; maybe we can motivate each other. Reading about other people's progress is really uplifting to me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2020
  5. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    @MexFighter
    Do you currently have an accountability partner???
    Maybe we can be APs if you don't.
    It would really help me to rely on someone and give them motivation when they need it the most.
     
  6. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    I see.. okay, good decision.. Maybe you can talk with someone else before talkin with her.. as I said:
    Le'ts do it.. Text me anytime.
     
  7. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    @MexFighter
    Awesome. Thanks bro!
    Do you currently have a reboot log/journal that is ongoing or an intro post that you posted where I can get up to speed on your story??
     
  8. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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  9. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    @MexFighter
    Oops. Sorry about that, haha.
    Just assumed you were a male because most people using this site to break free from their addiction are.
    Will read your story and message you.
     
  10. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    @MexFighter
    Just read your story. Amazing. Had no idea this addiction could affect women the same it could men. Stay strong and lets fight it together.
     
  11. Mr Jaz

    Mr Jaz Fapstronaut

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    @MexFighter
    Btw, how does one DM on this site? Still new and haven't figured out all the features yet, sorry.
     
  12. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Hey, oh it's okay..
    I'll DM you! See ya.
     
  13. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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