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Finally facing up to the fact I have an addiction.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Gremlinhater, Sep 21, 2020.

  1. Gremlinhater

    Gremlinhater New Fapstronaut

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    I am 30 years old and can’t think of a time when I didn’t watch some kind of porn or compulsively masturbate.

    I remember being aroused by female children’s TV presenters when I was probably around 13/14 and always needing to watch certain shows to see if they were wearing anything revealing. This also was coupled with underwear models in clothing catalogs I would rip out and save.

    I think with a lot of people my age, as the internet got better with broadband and wireless my use just started getting worse. Apart from some low level BDSM, candid photos I have never got to far into any taboo stuff and have always kept it pretty tame. For me it’s just the compulsion of doing it.

    I was in a long term relationship which was pretty toxic, she was very manipulative and it effected my confidence a lot. During this time I really noticed my porn use sky rocketed, I would always blame my bad relationship and lack of sex for my heavy use but even after the relationship and some healing I still used porn a lot.

    It sounds strange to say, but I have a lot going for me. I have a good, socially conscious job, lots of friends and I find it easy to have relationships (sexual and non sexual) with women. But when I was single I often found myself using porn instead of going out and meeting friends or trying to date.

    Long story short, I eventually met someone and started having a long distance relationship. So, like my old relationship I used porn heavily in between visits. We eventually moved nearer to each other, moved country and had a child together. She is an amazing, pretty, kind and sexually open women. We have a good and open sex life, good general communication but I still use porn and I kills me.

    If I am busy with work, family life or other commitments I don’t use porn or masturbate and I don’t miss it. But the moment I am alone, even for a minute I am straight onto looking at my goto reddit pages, or porn sites (most well known Fake casting sites).

    I don’t get an intense feeling when I ejaculate to porn anymore and I feel far more content after sex but I just can’t stop watching it.

    sorry for the long intro, but I’m really only just coming to terms with that fact I have an issue. I would really appreciate some advice on how to kick this habit
     
    Foton and frere like this.
  2. B787-8

    B787-8 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to nofap. Stay focused and achieve your goal. Best of luck
     
  3. RazRelief

    RazRelief Fapstronaut

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    I'm really glad you've been able to identify that you have an addiction, and that you've been able to pick up on the triggers. In a lot of ways, I've felt similarly, but I've been really working to try and beat the addiction. One thing I've found really helpful is connecting with other people on this forum and providing support and advice to others. Something about being accepted in the community has helped me keep the urge at bay (sort of like accountability). I also find that realizing how fried my dopamine receptors are have made it easier to understand the addiction. It's possible that you may have to take some sort of operative control like having someone else blocking reddit and the pornsites on your phone and computers. Good luck champ!
     
  4. Gremlinhater

    Gremlinhater New Fapstronaut

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    So I managed one day with out PMO, I have never properly attempted to do this before, and have only half assed giving up PMO. I have definitely noticed a shift in my mentality but I fear this will lead to more guilt and upset when I relapse ( I have worked with drug addiction in the past and understand that relapse is part of the journey).

    What this forum has helped me with is understanding the way I view women is not normal and is a result of my porn use. I do not think I have an idolised view of what a women should look like and more often than not view amateur porn because I am aroused by a more natural and realistic body.

    I always find myself looking at women from the car window as I drive or walking in the street and my automatic thought is a sexual one. This is one thing that has really driven me to stop. I remember watching my dad follow women with his eyes when driving as a teenager and it made me mad that he would disrespect my mum, and now I find myself doing it.

    Anyway, day 0 was a challenge. I often work alone since COVID in an office and in the past my boredom would drive me to start watching porn for a while then go off to the toilet to masturbate However, I distracted myself with other challenges like learning a new language, doing extra work and thinking about the end goal.

    One challenge I face is that myself and my partner, when living apart really used to enjoy sexting and sending photos. She has no problem with me masturbating and she is quite open with hers (she often does it in the shower before sex or just when she feels like it) and has said she would like to get back to doing that when I am at work because she really likes it.

    I think we will have sex tonight so whilst I will hope to stay strong with no PM, I will loose my O streak. Which for me is okay.

    Sorry for the long messages, you really start to figure things out when you write them down.
     
    RazRelief likes this.
  5. Gremlinhater

    Gremlinhater New Fapstronaut

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    Second day without PMO went okay, I had a lot of temptation in the morning as my routine is normally to PMO in the shower whilst getting ready. I now leave my phone somewhere else in the house.

    Luckily there were people in the office throughout the day so did not have any time by myself.

    I did not sleep with my partner as she was tiered. I found myself getting frustrated as I had kind of hope to cheat my cravings with sex and often this is a trigger for PMO for me. However, I reminded myself that I do not want to become one of those men who shame their partner for not wanting sex and that doing this basically constitutes rape in my eyes.

    I now try to focus on all the positives I am seeing already, just after 3 days. I used to be very protective of my devices as I was worried I had not deleted pictures or private tabs which made me nervous for my partner to be on them and I would act strangely. Already, as I know I have not used any porn I am much calmer and feel less guilt and shame.

    We are going away this weekend and staying with friends so I will have plenty of distractions so I will hope to easily make it to 7 days PMO free for probably the first time in my life.

    The cravings and impulses are still very strong, but I have heard this quickly relaxes after a week so I am hoping this is the case for me.

    Really thankful for the forum.
     
  6. runner0424

    runner0424 Fapstronaut

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    Here is my story and some things I have learned throughout a long journey!

    I relapsed twice after 6 months Or so when I thought I had it beat. I’m currently 7 months 13 days free from that relapse. It had been A struggle for 17 years in my life. I’m also married with 3 kids.

    I have learned a lot in my struggle with porn. One, is what triggers me. A lot on the internet and tv triggered me(seeing beautiful women). I believe my last relapse was super bowl halftime show, I didn’t relapse that night, but like a week or two after it, but those images stayed with me and I kept wanting more, even after 6 months.

    I also researched And watched videos of the science behind it all and it releases dopamine In your brain and scary how the addiction can become when I thought I could control it.

    the ways I feel like I have conquered it for good was that I had my wife put in an adult filter password that I don’t know what it is(it could be a friend if not married). It’s my backup plan when having a bad day and can’t see the adult sites. I also don’t watch shows that could trigger me and try to turn my head if I think a scene is coming. More importantly though, I have really grown in my faith with God. I have listened to so many sermons on temptations and that has helped me tremendously. Rick Warren and Greg Laurie are 2 of my favorites and have helped me a ton!! I learned about all the garbage I was putting in my mind. The analogy was how we have to watch what we eat, we can’t eat McDonald’s fried food every meal without bad consequences, the same thing applies with what you consistently put in your mind. We are trying to undo years and years of bad addictions and it takes time to undo that.
    “Above Inspiration” YouTube videos are great too. Give them a listen, it’s usually 10-20 min long.

    Hopefully this helps and try and learn as much as possible and avoid whatever gets you tempted and triggered. make it a lifestyle change and don’t beat yourself up if you have a relapse. Just learn from it and keep trying to do better. Porn free radio podcast by Matt Dobschuetz
    I also told myself , I would help as many people possible struggling with this as I could once when I got it under control.
     

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