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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.
I am feeling better today!
This is unrelated to what's going on with WS, so I'll keep it brief. Last night, I was able to stand up to my dad, for the sake of my kids and myself.
I have never been able to have a grown up conversation with him. Its always turned in a ridiculous screaming match that goes nowhere.
Last night, I was able to keep it together and didn't even cry. Yay me! I was shaking like a leaf and felt like I was going to pass out, but I kept myself together and told him everything that I needed to say.
This morning, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me.
I am... So proud of you!!!!!
Our anniversary is coming up. We've never really celebrated our anniversary. One year, we both forgot it and my mom had to remind me.
We're going out of town on a short trip. We're trying to not make a big deal of it, but it feels like a big deal. WS has said that it feels like our first anniversary, not our sixth. We're both nervous that it will be like all the other times.
When I get scared about something, I tend to overcompensate and try to make everything perfect. I started doing that the other day, and thankfully, a friend talked me down. Now, I'm just trying to be cautiously optimistic.
Who knows, maybe it'll be ok.
Something I've never understood. Why ask me how I'm feeling and then when I start telling you, I immediately get interrupted, because you have to defend yourself.
It's easier not to talk. My feelings have been pushed aside over and over again.
Just a warning, this post might be TMI.
Our anniversary trip went pretty good. We were both so nervous on the drive. WS was talking a mile a minute and I was just silent. We tried discussing our fears and worries, but that made me even more scared.
In the past, sex was always very complicated. WS had all these rules. He had rules about when, where, and how I could touch him. If I dressed up, the lingerie had to be a certain color, style, ect.
At some point, I stopped. I wanted to be under the covers. I wanted the dark. I felt like nothing I was doing would do it for him. He confirmed those fears over and over. Once, after going down, he told me that I should watch P, maybe get some pointers. They just do it better, more sounds, good faces.
Before our trip, I was worried. WS is in the blue period so I didn't know what to expect. A friend warned me to not expect very much. She told me not to go overboard, just buy some new jammies in case he decided to be super rejectey.
I didn't listen. I thought, "I'll be fine! I can take it, if he's weird or mean, I'll just go to sleep." I was so scared in the car that I thought I was going to throw up.
Before this weekend, I had been worrying about how he would react. I forgot to think about whether I would be triggered or not.
Everything was just weird. He said he was into it. I came out and he was really into it. I was freaking out. My hands were shaking and I felt like I was going to fall over. He says he can't stop thinking about how I looked. I can't stop thinking about how triggered I was. Next time, I'll listen to the smart people.
sorry @Rachie - I sucks that something that should be so natural and loving and connecting gets all jacked up and emotionally difficult... I feel for you and with you.
Thank you. It does suck.
I understand hun. It ruins everything. Big hugs!
WS admitted, yesterday, that he hasn't been honest with his saws and notices...again.
I'm so tired of this. This is a conversation that happens like once a month. He's moving foward. He's growing. He's making so many positive changes but this is one of the things that he just can't seem to get over.
He says he understands how it hurts me when he lies, but so far, it's not making a difference. He's still lying.
This cycle needs to be broken.
This is so relatable, Jak also makes it a month with recovery work sometimes and then falls back into lazy patterns of "forgeting" or not having time, etc. The lying (from what I know) has stopped... so good, but the constant back and forth is exhausting. Don't they get that lying and being inconsistent doesn't help their case? It pushes us farther away and makes it just That Much Harder to get close and trust...
So I had to take a break for a while, but I'm back..to rant a little.
Apparently, a super helpful friend advised WS that I've been micromanaging his recovery...aaaand because WS is an addict, he jumped all over that. He loves to have ammunition to throw at me during arguments.
I just want to scream a little. Ya know, because I'm still here. He picked millions of women over me, he mentally abused me, he made me feel worthless, he had an emotional affair with my sister the entirety of our relationship, and, overall, wasn't a good husband.
I'm still here. No, I am not a martyr. I was going to leave. I gave him another chance to change. He took it, and has ran with it. Yes, he has messed up, and has made a bunch of mistakes, but he's still progressing. So, I'm still here.
I'm just a little frustrated. You see, because WS has been an addict for a long time, he's not been super reliable, creative, self sufficient, hasn't been a great problem solver, ect.
He asked me for help. He didn't know where to start. He didn't know how to proceed. When he hit a rut, he couldn't get un-stuck alone. At every turn, he was asking for help.
Let me be clear. I have not been the only one who has helped him. He has received help, advice, comforting, bolstering, and tough love, from a variety of sources.
Now that recovery is getting uncomfortable again, I'm to blame. I'm there too much. I'm being too helpful. I'm smothering him with care. I just fucking love him too much.
I guess I should have left him alone. I should have ignored him. I should have told him to do it himself, that I didn't want any part of it. I should have kicked him out of our bedroom, our house. I should have made him feel invisible.
You're right. I've been micro-managing everything. I'll just take a massive step back. That's what good wives do.
So I just want to document this: In the past, when WS would get angry at me, he would jerk off and watch P to get back at me.
Now, he's replaced P with notices. Every time he gets mad at me or we argue, he has an uptick in notices.
His reasoning? "I was upset and not in a good place."
So because your feelings got hurt, you're going to stare at random vaginas?
Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Cool bro.
Lol, your fantastic.. I love your verbatim.
Not cool WS
Definitely not cool to be spiteful! I personally think noticing attractive people is okay as long as it’s not followed by fantasizing. I think a quick acknowledgement of “that person is attractive” is normal. I do it with men and women. But to intentionally seek to look and scan for attractive people is wrong, no doubt about it.