Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So I had to take a break for a while, but I'm back..to rant a little.

    Apparently, a super helpful friend advised WS that I've been micromanaging his recovery...aaaand because WS is an addict, he jumped all over that. He loves to have ammunition to throw at me during arguments.

    I just want to scream a little. Ya know, because I'm still here. He picked millions of women over me, he mentally abused me, he made me feel worthless, he had an emotional affair with my sister the entirety of our relationship, and, overall, wasn't a good husband.

    I'm still here. No, I am not a martyr. I was going to leave. I gave him another chance to change. He took it, and has ran with it. Yes, he has messed up, and has made a bunch of mistakes, but he's still progressing. So, I'm still here.

    I'm just a little frustrated. You see, because WS has been an addict for a long time, he's not been super reliable, creative, self sufficient, hasn't been a great problem solver, ect.

    He asked me for help. He didn't know where to start. He didn't know how to proceed. When he hit a rut, he couldn't get un-stuck alone. At every turn, he was asking for help.

    Let me be clear. I have not been the only one who has helped him. He has received help, advice, comforting, bolstering, and tough love, from a variety of sources.

    Now that recovery is getting uncomfortable again, I'm to blame. I'm there too much. I'm being too helpful. I'm smothering him with care. I just fucking love him too much.

    I guess I should have left him alone. I should have ignored him. I should have told him to do it himself, that I didn't want any part of it. I should have kicked him out of our bedroom, our house. I should have made him feel invisible.

    You're right. I've been micro-managing everything. I'll just take a massive step back. That's what good wives do.
     
  2. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So I just want to document this: In the past, when WS would get angry at me, he would jerk off and watch P to get back at me.

    Now, he's replaced P with notices. Every time he gets mad at me or we argue, he has an uptick in notices.

    His reasoning? "I was upset and not in a good place."

    So because your feelings got hurt, you're going to stare at random vaginas?

    Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Cool bro.
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lol, your fantastic.. I love your verbatim.
    Not cool WS
     
  4. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks:p
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. Definitely not cool to be spiteful! I personally think noticing attractive people is okay as long as it’s not followed by fantasizing. I think a quick acknowledgement of “that person is attractive” is normal. I do it with men and women. But to intentionally seek to look and scan for attractive people is wrong, no doubt about it.
     
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  6. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Example #6,436 how WS's PA has made my life hell:

    I used to look forward to holidays. Now, I dread them. It's just one more reason to fight. He forgets them. Or, on occasion, he'll remember at the last second and half-ass it.

    It's one more way for him to show how little he knows me. He spent the entirety of our relationship sitting in a dark bathroom. He doesn't have a clue who I am and when he shows it in a glaringly obvious way, I'm an ungrateful brat.

    I hate holidays. I just want this weekend to be over with.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think I mentioned this.... Lol
     
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  8. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I'm scared to come back here. I have been trying to give WS enough space to do things on his own and I'm worried that I'll get too involved again.

    I also know that I have a tendency to isolate myself and I need to get out of that habit.

    So, I'm back, I guess.
     
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  9. Welcome back! Isolation is not helpful for personal recovery (for both PA and SO individually).

    I've come to realize in-person interaction is best...but that is extremely hard to find--hopefully NoFap can be a helpful resource/community for you.
     
  10. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I agree with you. Being able to talk to someone in person is really helpful. I'm working with my therapist to find ways to get back out in the world. I've really secluded myself these past few years.
    Thanks for the welcome back!
     
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  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *Hugs!
    You are always welcome here!
     
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  12. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @Rachie - you're so, so welcome here. and liked!!! your candor is refreshing and you have great things to say. please feel welcomed and valued :)

    I've come to see isolation as a symptom - a symptom that there is something I don't want to deal with. dunno if it works that way for everyone, but maybe?? even just going and working or reading in a Starbucks helps me. of course even better is to meet a friend. and just talk. not even about deep stuff or trauma stuff - just to talk.

    HTH some. glad you're back
     
  13. I literally just parked at a Starbucks! I am able to work from home recently, BUT, I find being home all day, every day..and the dark cloud of PA and betrayal trauma -- I have to get out of the house sometimes or I'll go crazy. (And when I really have to focus and knock out a bunch of stuff...it's hard to concentrate at home sometimes.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Starbucks sux you guys....
    Go find a Dunkin Doughnuts.
    :p
     
  15. I could go to a Dunkin .. but the Dunkin close to me is too small / too crowded / too loud. They opened up a new Starbucks close to me, and nobody really knows about it. And it's usually empty, and they have this corridor down one direction with these tables and it's quiet and private. Need to get some work done.
     
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  16. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I missed you guys!
     
  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yes! I love Dunkin and WS hates it:eek:
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Boo!
    Who doesn't love DDs? :cool:
     
    Rachie likes this.
  19. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Such restraint by this crowd! Can't believe nobody ran amuck with that....
     
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  20. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    We've decided to do 90 days no sex. I am both hopeful and terrified.
    WS didn't marry me because he liked me. He didn't marry me because he wanted me. He wanted to be married and I happened to be there. In case you were wondering, he's actually told me this.

    My point is that we've never been "in love" we've never been friends even. We don't have a foundation of love, trust, or mutual respect to fall back on when things get rough between us.
    We've always used sex as a lifeline. It's the only thing that has connected us in any way.

    I feel like this could either go really good, or be the worst thing ever. If we stop sex, it might force us to find other ways to connect, or it might drive us so far apart that we never recover.
    I'm hoping that we'll find out that we actually have things in common. Maybe we'll realize that we like each other? I don't know. WS told me a couple of weeks ago that he's never had a crush on someone. It makes it hard for me to hope that he'll end up liking me after all this.

    I tend to think that when we stop doing the one thing that has kept us feeling connected to each other, everything will fall apart.
    I'll realize that I've wasted six years of my life with a man who hasn't loved me for one minute of that time and he'll figure out that the person he married isn't a strong, stable woman but a weak, foolish girl who is hoping for the kind of love and romance that doesn't happen in real life.

    So....yeah. This is going to be so fun. I can't wait. Hooray for Day One!
     

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