Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Example #6,436 how WS's PA has made my life hell:

    I used to look forward to holidays. Now, I dread them. It's just one more reason to fight. He forgets them. Or, on occasion, he'll remember at the last second and half-ass it.

    It's one more way for him to show how little he knows me. He spent the entirety of our relationship sitting in a dark bathroom. He doesn't have a clue who I am and when he shows it in a glaringly obvious way, I'm an ungrateful brat.

    I hate holidays. I just want this weekend to be over with.
     
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  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think I mentioned this.... Lol
     
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  3. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I'm scared to come back here. I have been trying to give WS enough space to do things on his own and I'm worried that I'll get too involved again.

    I also know that I have a tendency to isolate myself and I need to get out of that habit.

    So, I'm back, I guess.
     
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  4. Welcome back! Isolation is not helpful for personal recovery (for both PA and SO individually).

    I've come to realize in-person interaction is best...but that is extremely hard to find--hopefully NoFap can be a helpful resource/community for you.
     
  5. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I agree with you. Being able to talk to someone in person is really helpful. I'm working with my therapist to find ways to get back out in the world. I've really secluded myself these past few years.
    Thanks for the welcome back!
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *Hugs!
    You are always welcome here!
     
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  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @Rachie - you're so, so welcome here. and liked!!! your candor is refreshing and you have great things to say. please feel welcomed and valued :)

    I've come to see isolation as a symptom - a symptom that there is something I don't want to deal with. dunno if it works that way for everyone, but maybe?? even just going and working or reading in a Starbucks helps me. of course even better is to meet a friend. and just talk. not even about deep stuff or trauma stuff - just to talk.

    HTH some. glad you're back
     
  8. I literally just parked at a Starbucks! I am able to work from home recently, BUT, I find being home all day, every day..and the dark cloud of PA and betrayal trauma -- I have to get out of the house sometimes or I'll go crazy. (And when I really have to focus and knock out a bunch of stuff...it's hard to concentrate at home sometimes.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Starbucks sux you guys....
    Go find a Dunkin Doughnuts.
    :p
     
  10. I could go to a Dunkin .. but the Dunkin close to me is too small / too crowded / too loud. They opened up a new Starbucks close to me, and nobody really knows about it. And it's usually empty, and they have this corridor down one direction with these tables and it's quiet and private. Need to get some work done.
     
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  11. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I missed you guys!
     
  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yes! I love Dunkin and WS hates it:eek:
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Boo!
    Who doesn't love DDs? :cool:
     
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  14. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Such restraint by this crowd! Can't believe nobody ran amuck with that....
     
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  15. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    We've decided to do 90 days no sex. I am both hopeful and terrified.
    WS didn't marry me because he liked me. He didn't marry me because he wanted me. He wanted to be married and I happened to be there. In case you were wondering, he's actually told me this.

    My point is that we've never been "in love" we've never been friends even. We don't have a foundation of love, trust, or mutual respect to fall back on when things get rough between us.
    We've always used sex as a lifeline. It's the only thing that has connected us in any way.

    I feel like this could either go really good, or be the worst thing ever. If we stop sex, it might force us to find other ways to connect, or it might drive us so far apart that we never recover.
    I'm hoping that we'll find out that we actually have things in common. Maybe we'll realize that we like each other? I don't know. WS told me a couple of weeks ago that he's never had a crush on someone. It makes it hard for me to hope that he'll end up liking me after all this.

    I tend to think that when we stop doing the one thing that has kept us feeling connected to each other, everything will fall apart.
    I'll realize that I've wasted six years of my life with a man who hasn't loved me for one minute of that time and he'll figure out that the person he married isn't a strong, stable woman but a weak, foolish girl who is hoping for the kind of love and romance that doesn't happen in real life.

    So....yeah. This is going to be so fun. I can't wait. Hooray for Day One!
     
  16. First...welcome back Rachie!

    Second...you are NOT weak or foolish! Those are lies and do not speak them into your life! You are a beautiful strong woman! God made you beautifully and perfect, exactly the way he wanted. Do not believe for one second you are ANYTHING less!!

    Be you and find your identity in nothing else other than God. That will be the most beautiful you that you can possibly be! :emoji_kissing_heart:
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome back!
    And it might not be good... But we will all be here.
    Remember that.
    Rock Star also just wanted a "life friend"
    You are not alone.
    This is something lots of us experience and are here for you regardless.
    Just let us know how we can help.
     
  18. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouragement @Broken3 and @Kenzi ya'll are the best:p
     
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  19. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    This is going to make me sound like the worse person, and I know the answer is to just be a decent human...but..

    How do I keep from tormenting him for the next 90 days? Most every part of me wants to rub up against him and prance around the house naked, every chance I get.
    The decent part of me says to be nice, and the other, not so nice side, reminds me that he tormented me for 6 years.
    This dilemma is so hard for me...
     
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  20. I just read my morning devotional...and I think maybe some of these words might help you:
    "Stay on the high road with Me...I have called each of My children to a different path distinctly designed for them. Do not let anyone convince you that his path is the only right way. And be careful not to extol your path as superior to another's way. What I require of you is to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Me--wherever I lead."
    (italics from original quoted text)
    Micah 6:8
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
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