Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

I haven't been doing that enough lately. It's easier to focus on him and his recovery.

 

I'm tired of this cycle. I try to help, I get too involved, and he freaks out and pulls away from me.

I obviously don't know how to be moderate in my involvement in his recovery. I tend to approach a problem, an issue, a project ect. with my whole self.

It feels impossible to navigate his needs. Some days he tells me that he needs my help, that he couldn't have gotten this far without me. The next day, he's feeling smothered and is angry at my constant attention.

I'm tired of all this. When I tell him that I'll step back and give him space, he gets even angrier and says, "No! That's not what I'm saying, I do need you! Why do you always go to extremes?!?"

How do I be moderate in something that is so important? This almost ruined our lives. It almost tore apart our family. It almost cost him his life. Literally. This isn't a game to me.

 

Yeah, WillSquirrel and I need to get better at communicating. I know it takes time and practice, but in the meantime, I'm going crazy.

These are the questions I ask myself over and over. I feel like WS and I just keep circling this subject. We're at a stalemate.

 

Not a super big update but I feel like WillSquirrel and I had a small breakthrough last night. We were driving home from church and one of us, I can't remember which one, started a conversation that would normally cause a fight.

I think it was one of the first times in a very long time that we were able to stay civil, and state our sides calmly. It was amazing. We got a little prickly at times, but we were both able to quickly reel it in and continue the conversation to it's end.

We had all the makings of a knock-down drag-out fight. We were both tired, it was late, and the kids had stressed me out all day, but we did it. We conversed like adults! Yay us!

 

I've been really stressed since I got back from my trip. My friend invited me to go on an overnight trip with her on Friday and Saturday. I had fun when I wasn't worried about what WS was doing.

He did really great while I was gone. He checked in and followed all the boundaries that we put into place before I left.

When I got back, I think we were both expecting that we'd fall into each others arms like in the movies, and it wasn't like that. I was weird and worried and stressed.

Ever since then, I can't seem to calm down. I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I know he didn't relapse. Even if didn't have concrete proof that he stayed good, which I do, he's not exhibiting any of the signs of relapse.

So why am I freaking out? I'm scared, overtired, and my head is killing me. I had a good time, he had a lot of fun with the kids. I'm afraid I'm ruining everything. He's already joked that he doesn't want me to ever leave again because I've come home a crazy person. (my words)

I don't know, it just feels like the stress is building and I'm really overwhelmed.

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm just frustrated because I don't want to look back on this in a negative light. It's the first time since we've been married, that I came home from a trip and didn't find out anything devastating. Overall, it was a massive success and I'm super proud of him.

 

Yesterday, I had a relapse. I feel worse than I have in a long time. WillSquirrel came home from work and wanted sex. I told him that it wouldn't work. The kids were going to wake up from their naps. I needed to make dinner. He needed to get ready to go to school.

He said that he didn't even want/need one at the moment, he just wanted to be with me. He wanted me to have one. I told him again that it wouldn't work. There was too much stuff that needed to be done.

He kept pushing. I tried to convince him that we should wait. I told him that as soon as he got home from school, we could be together all night if he wanted.
He started touching me and that's when I relapsed.

Before D-day, when we had sex, I was never there with him. I had created a fantasy world in my head. I tried to justify it in my head by saying, "well, I'm not thinking about anybody else. It's still him, it's just a nicer, more romantic, better version of him."

It was much worse than that. I had realized, over the years, that I kept going back to the same fantasy because it worked every time. It got to the point that I just had to think of one word associated with that fantasy and it would do it for me. I started feeling really bad about it, so one night, I tried to just be with him. It didn't work. We tried for a very long time and finally, I told him that I was just too tired, and we went to bed.

I realized then, that it had turned into a fetish. I couldn't have an orgasm without thinking about that fantasy.

When WS started his recovery, I told him all about what was happening with me. It took a long time, but eventually, I didn't need the fantasy anymore. I didn't even want it. It's been so unbelievably amazing to actually just be with him instead.

It's been a couple of months since I have even thought about that fantasy. I had thought it was gone forever. I let my guard down. To make it worse, when the thought popped into my head, I didn't push it away. I let it stay.

Afterwards, he wondered why I came so fast. I lied and told him that I just wanted him really bad. I feel sick thinking about it.

As soon as he got home, he wanted to go to bed. He tried to touch me and I wanted to die. I told him everything that happened earlier. He forgave me but I still feel sick. How could I have let this happen? Why didn't I push it away? How can he trust me when I've lied to him?

 

I still feel so deeply ashamed. How could I have done what I did, knowing exactly how much it hurts to be lied to?

He told me not to be upset, that he forgives me. He's acting like it didn't happen. He says, "how can I be mad at you after everything I've done?"

That's no excuse. I know what happens when a person is betrayed. I understand how it feels to find out that your partner wasn't there with you. I know the repercussions of lying in a relationship.

Am I self sabotaging? Sometimes it feels like the better he gets, the more I crumble.

 

I have thought about my motives. I did the other day, what I had done a million times before. WS wanted me to O. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to concentrate with everything else going on.

Instead of being firm, and telling him no, I gave in. It's not an excuse, but in the past, if I rejected him sexually, he would get really upset and be mad for a while. He would use my rejection as an excuse to PMO more.

He has gotten better at not being angry if I tell him no, but it's still in the back of my mind. I'm afraid that if I tell him no, he'll go back to the P.

I could have stayed firm the other day. Even when I let it happen, I could have stayed present. Honestly, I wanted to get it over with so he wouldn't be late for school.

That makes me feel really bad. It could have been fine. Instead, I fell back into my old habit of just getting it over with, even though sex has been waaay better lately.

I hope all that made sense. I'm trying to figure it all out still.