Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday, I had a relapse. I feel worse than I have in a long time. WillSquirrel came home from work and wanted sex. I told him that it wouldn't work. The kids were going to wake up from their naps. I needed to make dinner. He needed to get ready to go to school.

    He said that he didn't even want/need one at the moment, he just wanted to be with me. He wanted me to have one. I told him again that it wouldn't work. There was too much stuff that needed to be done.

    He kept pushing. I tried to convince him that we should wait. I told him that as soon as he got home from school, we could be together all night if he wanted.
    He started touching me and that's when I relapsed.

    Before D-day, when we had sex, I was never there with him. I had created a fantasy world in my head. I tried to justify it in my head by saying, "well, I'm not thinking about anybody else. It's still him, it's just a nicer, more romantic, better version of him."

    It was much worse than that. I had realized, over the years, that I kept going back to the same fantasy because it worked every time. It got to the point that I just had to think of one word associated with that fantasy and it would do it for me. I started feeling really bad about it, so one night, I tried to just be with him. It didn't work. We tried for a very long time and finally, I told him that I was just too tired, and we went to bed.

    I realized then, that it had turned into a fetish. I couldn't have an orgasm without thinking about that fantasy.

    When WS started his recovery, I told him all about what was happening with me. It took a long time, but eventually, I didn't need the fantasy anymore. I didn't even want it. It's been so unbelievably amazing to actually just be with him instead.

    It's been a couple of months since I have even thought about that fantasy. I had thought it was gone forever. I let my guard down. To make it worse, when the thought popped into my head, I didn't push it away. I let it stay.

    Afterwards, he wondered why I came so fast. I lied and told him that I just wanted him really bad. I feel sick thinking about it.

    As soon as he got home, he wanted to go to bed. He tried to touch me and I wanted to die. I told him everything that happened earlier. He forgave me but I still feel sick. How could I have let this happen? Why didn't I push it away? How can he trust me when I've lied to him?
     
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  2. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I still feel so deeply ashamed. How could I have done what I did, knowing exactly how much it hurts to be lied to?

    He told me not to be upset, that he forgives me. He's acting like it didn't happen. He says, "how can I be mad at you after everything I've done?"

    That's no excuse. I know what happens when a person is betrayed. I understand how it feels to find out that your partner wasn't there with you. I know the repercussions of lying in a relationship.

    Am I self sabotaging? Sometimes it feels like the better he gets, the more I crumble.
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It really depends.
    Motive behind your actions is key...
    Have you thought about it yet?
    Because betrayal trauma gets wors bbefore it gets better...
    However,
    If you are doing it "to get back" at him because you feel like it levels the "playing field" of your relationship, then that may be something else entirely
     
  4. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I have thought about my motives. I did the other day, what I had done a million times before. WS wanted me to O. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to concentrate with everything else going on.

    Instead of being firm, and telling him no, I gave in. It's not an excuse, but in the past, if I rejected him sexually, he would get really upset and be mad for a while. He would use my rejection as an excuse to PMO more.

    He has gotten better at not being angry if I tell him no, but it's still in the back of my mind. I'm afraid that if I tell him no, he'll go back to the P.

    I could have stayed firm the other day. Even when I let it happen, I could have stayed present. Honestly, I wanted to get it over with so he wouldn't be late for school.

    That makes me feel really bad. It could have been fine. Instead, I fell back into my old habit of just getting it over with, even though sex has been waaay better lately.

    I hope all that made sense. I'm trying to figure it all out still.
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's ok.
    It doesn't have to make sense right now.
    Take whatever time you need to figure it out.
    None of this is simple
     
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  6. I think I struggle w the same. I haven’t even exactly begun to address it like you have. I need to start really working in the “being w him” and “in the moment”. It’s good that you know and are at least actively working on it. That’s huge! Give yourself some credit!
     
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  7. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for encouragement. I really appreciate it. It's all too easy to see the bad stuff.
     
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  8. It definitely is. Just don’t stay there hunny..Just visiting on your way to Boardwalk and Park Place ;) (hope you got that lol)
     
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  9. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I did:D
     
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  10. Haha good you get me ;)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2018
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  11. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I feel like we're moving in the right direction. WillSquirrel and I have been talking a lot lately. I feel like since his suicide attempt and then D-day happening shortly after, we've been in crisis mode. Now that everything is getting better, we are getting a chance to talk about the really deep stuff.

    We are also making a lot of progress in therapy lately. I'm realizing that, as cliche as it sounds, our respective childhoods really affect our relationship now. I'm sure that everyone knows this, but to see so clearly how my past has affected me, has opened my eyes.

    While WS and I are moving forward, my family is crumbling around me. My parents have been married for 30 years and their marriage is falling apart.

    My dad is also a PA who won't admit that he has a problem. My mom has tried for years to fix their marriage, but as I have learned, a relationship only gets better when both of you are open to fixing the problems.

    It's devastating to me, but I can't fix it. I feel helpless and it sucks.
     
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  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Side note: I keep getting my feelings hurt because I'm pretty sure WS thinks I'm a little suffocating.

    Growing up, we would have time where we didn't have anything in the cabinets to eat.

    I've been weird about food ever since. It's like I'm afraid my family is going to starve. WS gets annoyed because I'm always trying to make sure he has enough to eat.

    If I pack his lunch, I put too much stuff in his lunchbox. I give him too many snacks. He has come home and told me that I gave him way too much to eat.

    I know it sounds weird, but it's a way I show love. I want my family to be happy and healthy.

    He thinks I'm overbearing and it drives him crazy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
  13. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So, I'm thinking more about this. There's an episode of Downtown Abbey where one of the main characters, who hasn't grown up rich with lots of servants, has trouble adjusting to having a valet. He keeps telling the valet that he doesn't need help. He's a grown man who can put on his own clothes.

    At the end of the episode, this man realizes that, as a valet, the servant has a job to do. The valet likes to do his job and he does it with pride. By dressing himself and picking out his clothes himself, the man has rendered the valet useless, this depriving the valet of a job that makes him feel useful and fulfilled.

    Now, just to get this out of the way, I am not implying that I am my husband's servant.:p
    But, I am a housewife, homemaker, stay-at-home mom, whatever you want to call it. I feel like when a person goes to work, and their doing a job that they love, they do their work with everything they have. They don't go in halfheartedly and do a crap job.

    Staying at home and taking care of my house and my family is my job. I want to be good at my job and be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

    When WS and I first got married, I packed his lunches every day. I made him dinner, and I tried to make him breakfast before he went to work. I stopped making his lunch when he told me ,repeatedly, that I was making it wrong. I stopped trying to make him breakfast because he didn't want to get up and eat at the table before going to work. I stopped making him dessert after dinner, because I felt defeated and, frankly, unappreciated.

    I have recently started trying to do some of those things and it's backfiring on me again. I try to do things for him, not just food stuff, and over and over, he tells me, through his words and actions, "I'm a grown man, I don't need your help, I don't need anyone to take care of me."

    I understand that he's had a hard life. He learned very early on, that he had to take have of himself, because no one would, or could, do it for him. I know that it's probably hard for him to understand that what I do is because I love him and not because I'm babying him or trying to imasculate him. I know it's hard for him to trust that people love him and don't just want something from him.

    I know all of this. I just don't know how to break through that wall. I want him to know that it's ok to let people take care of you. It's ok to just be open with the people who love him. I want him to know that I show my love for my family by taking care of them. I didn't pick this job because it pays really good. I chose to stay home because it's what I love to do.

    Whew! All this introspection because of a hot dogo_O
     
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  14. So much if this is true for us too. I used to enjoy doing things that I thought was being a good wife and showing him love. I too did the lunch thing and got the same response so that stopped. I don’t even like cooking dinner anymore bc of the critical comments I’ve received from him. I used to do his laundry, fold it and put it away until he complained about his socks not being matched and he took it over. Oh well if wants to give himself more work fine. It’s kinda sad bc I did like doing those things and now I don’t.

    Sry to hear about your parents. I can also relate to that situation. I feel like the world around us is just going completely crazy. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
     
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  15. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    Maybe instead of trying to do several/many things just do 1 thing.

    “Hey WS, it makes me happy, fulfilled and purposeful when I do ____ for you. If you want it done a particular way, show me/tell me and I’ll do it that way. But I’m doing it fo you, and you’re not gonna do it, okay motherfucker??” (That’s how my SO would say it).

    Might be easier for him w/just the one?
     
  16. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I grew up in a household where the roles of husband and wife were really traditional. When I got married, I just assumed, naively, that WS would expect the same from me. I saw it as my God-given responsibility and he saw his shirts were buttoned wrong on the hangers. Marriage is weird:rolleyes:
     
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  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I really like this idea. I think I'm going to try it! Though I will say that as soon as I read your reply, I started thinking, "that sounds like a really good place to start! I can start with one thing, get him comfortable with the idea of me helping him out, and then add more things later!"

    So maybe I am a little codependent or just simply nuts:emoji_face_palm:
    I just got caught up on @TryingHard2Change journal and now I'm thinking that maybe I need a hobby. :oops:
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
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  18. Bahaa we allll need a hobby! A healthier one then the reason we’re all here!
     
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  19. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    You’re not co-dependent. I think your Love Language is Acts of Service.

    You and WS are opposites—he’s had to be fiercly independent all his life, so you being you and wanting to do things for him is alien to him. He probably doesn’t understand it’s an act of love.
     
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  20. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    You're right, it is Acts of Service! And yes, I agree with you. I don't think he understands that I'm trying to show him love in this way.
     
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