Yesterday, I had a relapse. I feel worse than I have in a long time. WillSquirrel came home from work and wanted sex. I told him that it wouldn't work. The kids were going to wake up from their naps. I needed to make dinner. He needed to get ready to go to school. He said that he didn't even want/need one at the moment, he just wanted to be with me. He wanted me to have one. I told him again that it wouldn't work. There was too much stuff that needed to be done. He kept pushing. I tried to convince him that we should wait. I told him that as soon as he got home from school, we could be together all night if he wanted. He started touching me and that's when I relapsed. Before D-day, when we had sex, I was never there with him. I had created a fantasy world in my head. I tried to justify it in my head by saying, "well, I'm not thinking about anybody else. It's still him, it's just a nicer, more romantic, better version of him." It was much worse than that. I had realized, over the years, that I kept going back to the same fantasy because it worked every time. It got to the point that I just had to think of one word associated with that fantasy and it would do it for me. I started feeling really bad about it, so one night, I tried to just be with him. It didn't work. We tried for a very long time and finally, I told him that I was just too tired, and we went to bed. I realized then, that it had turned into a fetish. I couldn't have an orgasm without thinking about that fantasy. When WS started his recovery, I told him all about what was happening with me. It took a long time, but eventually, I didn't need the fantasy anymore. I didn't even want it. It's been so unbelievably amazing to actually just be with him instead. It's been a couple of months since I have even thought about that fantasy. I had thought it was gone forever. I let my guard down. To make it worse, when the thought popped into my head, I didn't push it away. I let it stay. Afterwards, he wondered why I came so fast. I lied and told him that I just wanted him really bad. I feel sick thinking about it. As soon as he got home, he wanted to go to bed. He tried to touch me and I wanted to die. I told him everything that happened earlier. He forgave me but I still feel sick. How could I have let this happen? Why didn't I push it away? How can he trust me when I've lied to him?