Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's ok.
    It doesn't have to make sense right now.
    Take whatever time you need to figure it out.
    None of this is simple
     
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  2. I think I struggle w the same. I haven’t even exactly begun to address it like you have. I need to start really working in the “being w him” and “in the moment”. It’s good that you know and are at least actively working on it. That’s huge! Give yourself some credit!
     
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  3. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for encouragement. I really appreciate it. It's all too easy to see the bad stuff.
     
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  4. It definitely is. Just don’t stay there hunny..Just visiting on your way to Boardwalk and Park Place ;) (hope you got that lol)
     
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  5. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I did:D
     
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  6. Haha good you get me ;)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2018
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  7. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I feel like we're moving in the right direction. WillSquirrel and I have been talking a lot lately. I feel like since his suicide attempt and then D-day happening shortly after, we've been in crisis mode. Now that everything is getting better, we are getting a chance to talk about the really deep stuff.

    We are also making a lot of progress in therapy lately. I'm realizing that, as cliche as it sounds, our respective childhoods really affect our relationship now. I'm sure that everyone knows this, but to see so clearly how my past has affected me, has opened my eyes.

    While WS and I are moving forward, my family is crumbling around me. My parents have been married for 30 years and their marriage is falling apart.

    My dad is also a PA who won't admit that he has a problem. My mom has tried for years to fix their marriage, but as I have learned, a relationship only gets better when both of you are open to fixing the problems.

    It's devastating to me, but I can't fix it. I feel helpless and it sucks.
     
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  8. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Side note: I keep getting my feelings hurt because I'm pretty sure WS thinks I'm a little suffocating.

    Growing up, we would have time where we didn't have anything in the cabinets to eat.

    I've been weird about food ever since. It's like I'm afraid my family is going to starve. WS gets annoyed because I'm always trying to make sure he has enough to eat.

    If I pack his lunch, I put too much stuff in his lunchbox. I give him too many snacks. He has come home and told me that I gave him way too much to eat.

    I know it sounds weird, but it's a way I show love. I want my family to be happy and healthy.

    He thinks I'm overbearing and it drives him crazy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
  9. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So, I'm thinking more about this. There's an episode of Downtown Abbey where one of the main characters, who hasn't grown up rich with lots of servants, has trouble adjusting to having a valet. He keeps telling the valet that he doesn't need help. He's a grown man who can put on his own clothes.

    At the end of the episode, this man realizes that, as a valet, the servant has a job to do. The valet likes to do his job and he does it with pride. By dressing himself and picking out his clothes himself, the man has rendered the valet useless, this depriving the valet of a job that makes him feel useful and fulfilled.

    Now, just to get this out of the way, I am not implying that I am my husband's servant.:p
    But, I am a housewife, homemaker, stay-at-home mom, whatever you want to call it. I feel like when a person goes to work, and their doing a job that they love, they do their work with everything they have. They don't go in halfheartedly and do a crap job.

    Staying at home and taking care of my house and my family is my job. I want to be good at my job and be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

    When WS and I first got married, I packed his lunches every day. I made him dinner, and I tried to make him breakfast before he went to work. I stopped making his lunch when he told me ,repeatedly, that I was making it wrong. I stopped trying to make him breakfast because he didn't want to get up and eat at the table before going to work. I stopped making him dessert after dinner, because I felt defeated and, frankly, unappreciated.

    I have recently started trying to do some of those things and it's backfiring on me again. I try to do things for him, not just food stuff, and over and over, he tells me, through his words and actions, "I'm a grown man, I don't need your help, I don't need anyone to take care of me."

    I understand that he's had a hard life. He learned very early on, that he had to take have of himself, because no one would, or could, do it for him. I know that it's probably hard for him to understand that what I do is because I love him and not because I'm babying him or trying to imasculate him. I know it's hard for him to trust that people love him and don't just want something from him.

    I know all of this. I just don't know how to break through that wall. I want him to know that it's ok to let people take care of you. It's ok to just be open with the people who love him. I want him to know that I show my love for my family by taking care of them. I didn't pick this job because it pays really good. I chose to stay home because it's what I love to do.

    Whew! All this introspection because of a hot dogo_O
     
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  10. So much if this is true for us too. I used to enjoy doing things that I thought was being a good wife and showing him love. I too did the lunch thing and got the same response so that stopped. I don’t even like cooking dinner anymore bc of the critical comments I’ve received from him. I used to do his laundry, fold it and put it away until he complained about his socks not being matched and he took it over. Oh well if wants to give himself more work fine. It’s kinda sad bc I did like doing those things and now I don’t.

    Sry to hear about your parents. I can also relate to that situation. I feel like the world around us is just going completely crazy. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
     
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  11. Maybe instead of trying to do several/many things just do 1 thing.

    “Hey WS, it makes me happy, fulfilled and purposeful when I do ____ for you. If you want it done a particular way, show me/tell me and I’ll do it that way. But I’m doing it fo you, and you’re not gonna do it, okay motherfucker??” (That’s how my SO would say it).

    Might be easier for him w/just the one?
     
  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I grew up in a household where the roles of husband and wife were really traditional. When I got married, I just assumed, naively, that WS would expect the same from me. I saw it as my God-given responsibility and he saw his shirts were buttoned wrong on the hangers. Marriage is weird:rolleyes:
     
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  13. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I really like this idea. I think I'm going to try it! Though I will say that as soon as I read your reply, I started thinking, "that sounds like a really good place to start! I can start with one thing, get him comfortable with the idea of me helping him out, and then add more things later!"

    So maybe I am a little codependent or just simply nuts:emoji_face_palm:
    I just got caught up on @TryingHard2Change journal and now I'm thinking that maybe I need a hobby. :oops:
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
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  14. Bahaa we allll need a hobby! A healthier one then the reason we’re all here!
     
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  15. You’re not co-dependent. I think your Love Language is Acts of Service.

    You and WS are opposites—he’s had to be fiercly independent all his life, so you being you and wanting to do things for him is alien to him. He probably doesn’t understand it’s an act of love.
     
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  16. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    You're right, it is Acts of Service! And yes, I agree with you. I don't think he understands that I'm trying to show him love in this way.
     
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  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    WS is 90 days into his reboot today. It's crazy to me. This is the longest he's ever gone without PMO. For me, it's been the worst, longest, craziest, most stressful, best 90 days of my life.

    I was telling someone the other day, it's been hard, but before WS stopped PMO, my life felt impossible. I had to go through everything alone. I felt like I was completely by myself. Now, even though this has been really freaking hard, WS is here. He's actually with me, for the first time in our marriage. I haven't had to go through this experience by myself.

    I've also had you guys. WS and I say all the time, that we couldn't have made it this far without NoFap and the friends we've made on here. I have learned so much from the SO's and beginning to understand the PA's perspective has prevented some serious arguments.;)
    Major shout-out to Serenity for all of the advice, commiseration, and support, and to WS's Bros, y'all have been a massive help in his recovery. Some days, it's been the difference between him moving forward or closing up and retreating.

    Anyway, today, im just feeling really grateful. This has seriously been the greatest, awful 90 days evero_O:)
     
  18. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    **lets out major smiling sigh**
    so nice to read this @Rachie. so really nice. very happy for you.

    love to read good things on NF.
     
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  19. Amen. Progress is awesome. Glad we can all provide help.
     
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  20. Yay! Congrats to you both! Hope your celebrating tonight ;)
     
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