Finally slept with a girl

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Mike115, Nov 15, 2015.

  1. Mike115

    Mike115 Fapstronaut

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    I am almost 21 years old and I am still a virgin. On Halloween I was at a party and met a girl. She brought be back to her room and we laid in her bed and made out but that's all we did. The next day I asked her why we didn't go further and she said that she didnt think I wanted to and if I did want to I should have been more aggressive and more forward. I'm happy because that's the first time I've "slept" with a girl but I'm also upset with myself that I didn't try to do anything more than kiss. I know that it's the guys job to be assertive and aggressive but I was really hoping that she would take control. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do in the future? Should I ask her if she wants to do more or should I just go for it and start taking her clothes off and stuff like that. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks!
     
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  2. Harvhe

    Harvhe Fapstronaut

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    Though there is perhaps social pressure to 'sleep' in a more 'active sense' there is nothing wrong with simply 'making out' with someone and feeling comfortable with their company, she wanted your company too so you shared a bed for the night without engaging into anything, perfectly natural even if culture strikes it out as a little odd.

    Dont beat yourself up about it i guess, you've gained a teeny bit of life experience from it for the future, the next time you 'sleep' or intend to sleep with someone you have a little more idea how to proceed. (Taking in mind to dispel the myth of being aggressive and assertive is purely a male trait or expected of you nessecarily, though it may need to be applied in circumstance, also important not to link aggression levels to those witnessed in P)

    In hindsight i imagine you could have landed yourself in trouble if you had taken her advice to be more/too agressive or assertive at the time, context needed, but at a party leveraging how a person can judge based on how much they have drank at the time is a important factor, she's saying this now but if you'd gone on with it as she described she could have been much less agreeable and you could have landed yourself with a criminal record potentially.

    Eitherway, you learn something new every day.
     
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  3. diesel2256

    diesel2256 Fapstronaut

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    Generally, stop thinking about it. Did you want to take her clothes off? If so, you should have. Naturally, if she resisted, you need to stop.

    However, I wouldn't toss out the V card on just anyone. Sex is a pretty awesome thing and shouldn't be considered just a fun activity.
     
  4. Ducati

    Ducati Fapstronaut

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    Whatever happened was for the best...she maybe saying that for now but that night she might not have been in the mood, you never know...No point dwelling on it. Good luck next time!
     
  5. Mike115

    Mike115 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah you're right. I'm not really that upset about it. Just the fact that I'm almost 21 and I'm a virgin although I know for a fact that I could not be if I wanted to. Many cases kinda like this have happened for me where I know the girl wants to do more but I'm too nervous too :(
     
  6. cuddler

    cuddler Fapstronaut

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    I also thought I could have sex with many girls. But after many years I found my shyness totally controls me and I have no control over myself.
     
  7. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Assertive, maybe, but aggressive? o_O
     
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  8. I am not sure if I would believe that, I think she may have just said that, for what ever, when people say stuff like that, I question it.
     
  9. melancholy king

    melancholy king Fapstronaut

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    Have sex with someone you care for, I can't stress this enough. Take it from me, losing your virginity to a e-girl or to someone that means nothing to you is just bound to be a bad experience in hindsight.
     
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  10. Kyoheix

    Kyoheix Fapstronaut

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    Awww, cool story.
    It's fine that you didn't go forward and engaged in sex if you didn't want to. When you force something like that, you may get in trouble, get too nervous, unable to perform, can be part of a really bad experience.
    If you don't feel comfortable taking the next step, just stay where you are, you'll know when you're ready. This wasn't the case now.
     
  11. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    It's like a dance. There is no goal. Sometimes you just make out, sometimes you play, and sometimes you have sex... all kinds. Fun, serious, loving, passionate, carnal, ordinary.... a lot of ordinary.

    Just like in dancing, you need to lead but never push. Sometimes she's ready to go and sometimes she needs some comfort, or a joke, or time, or space, or a backrub, or she needs to give you a back rub sometimes. There's no goal... That's one of the worst things about Porn and being oversexualized is that we think the orgasm is the be all end all. It's not. Enjoy the journey.

    She didn't seem disappointed that it's all you did. It's ok if you didn't have sex. Do you like her without sex? There's something really terrible about having sex with someone then wanting them gone. It's not like you have to be with only one girl your whole life, but you should find someone that you like even without sex involved. Because 95% of your time will be without sex.


    Unless she just wants to have fun too.. Then do the thing of one step forward, two steps back.

    Kiss... then just relax. Take off some clothes... then calm down and just talk. Do a little more touching... then go back to light kissing. and so on.
     
  12. Barnabas

    Barnabas Fapstronaut

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    Don't be disappointed. Don't be bummed that you didn't live up to society's expectations for your behavior. Sex is a serious thing and if it doesn't take place inside a committed relationship it can lead to all kinds of hurt for many different people later on. You just met the girl - don't make the mistake of thinking that you have to have sex with her as soon as she is willing. What if she might regret it later on? What if it affects her future relationships negatively? The only way that you will know she has chosen you and no one else is when she agrees to marry you - that is why age-old moral norms insist on marriage before sex - because it makes sense and avoids a lot of regrets and unwanted consequences.
     
  13. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I think men are so scared of being proactive in bed because they dont want to be labelled a rapist or creep and want women to do all the initiating is bad. I also have a similar problem and hate it. I usually end up with women who are sexually aggressive which I dont find that attractive.
     
  14. rigiddan

    rigiddan Fapstronaut

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    Did you have protection? Don't end up a father by accident. Nothing wrong with waiting until your married. Nothing wrong with being a virgin for that matter.
     
  15. If you're too nervous, it's probably not the right girl or the right moment. I mean some nerves are natural, of course. I was so anxious my first time, on my wedding night, that I had to tell my husband to pull over on the way home from the wedding cuz I thought I was gonna throw up. Haha but in the end, it was easy (well... Not really, as we were both virgins and had no freaking idea what we were doing, but you know) and sweet and things progressed naturally. I think if you're too nervous to make any moves at all, then maybe that could be a sign that it's not the right time.
     
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  16. Also, as a lady, I should add that there's nothing wrong with asking. Some girls might prefer you to just "be a man and take charge" or something, and that can be nice, but it's also quite unique and sweet for a guy to just be open and honest about his nerves and what he wants and how he's feeling. I mean she might be nervous too, and maybe you setting the bar for honesty will allow her to express how she's feeling and you can both laugh about the awkward nerves. And again, if she doesn't like you talking about how you feel and taking things slow, then she's not someone you should be having your first time with. IMHO.
     
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  17. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    @TakingTheSteps , I totally agree and have found that to be the best way to approach women in my life. Just be honest and say what you want. Not something like "Do you want to f$(#", but something more like "I'm interested and would like to see you again, but it's ok if you don't feel the same thing". I've even said things like "I want to kiss you" in the right moment. It's ok to be honest, it's a good thing. Women won't automatically go for you with the honesty approach, but they will respect you as long as you balance honesty with respect for her. I wish someone would have told me that it is OK to be honest about your desires when I was 18. It would have saved me a lot of lonely nights.
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  18. ^ Exactly! Both of my "first kisses" I had to tell the guy "dude just kiss me already." Lol and it didn't ruin the moment at all!
     
  19. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    @TakingTheSteps Where were you when I was 18?!? I needed a girl like you.
     
  20. Haha well that's very flattering, but there are more girls out there like me. :) I've met a lot of them!
     

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