Finding a better me (Rebooting)

Posting here instead so I might get some help from others with SOs they need to regain the trust of.
Day 0 Here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/starting-this-out-right.212608/

Day 1/2
Missed yesterday's post by trying not to dwell. Not dwelling seems to always be the hardest thing for me. Whether I'm being ashamed about who I've learned I am when I'm not lying to myself - or I'm anxious over what my wife will decide - compartmentalizing has been the name of the game.
I started out the morning calling out to work - I was still loopy from my medication stupor I got into the night before, and didn't feel comfortable driving anywhere ( I need to for my job). That and I didn't feel ready to face the day. I stayed in bed until around 2, reading everything I could about PAs and SOs and working things out. Read all the way through Rock_star's thread, and really hope to show as much effort as he does. Not just for my wife and my marriage, but for myself.
I say that, and I still am not completely positive what I mean by that. I... I ran from this for so long. I thought watching porn was just what guys do - that it was old fashioned to think otherwise. I convinced myself that the sexual freedom of women with vibrators was equivalent to the porn of men. I fought for it, because I needed it... even when I convinced myself that I didn't. I truly thought I could stop whenever I wanted to... but I didn't hold myself accountable. I explained it away to myself each time, thinking that "I'm just like nay other guy " and something along the lines of " If every other guy does, why should I deny myself of it. I'm missing out" - The dopemine hit was so addictive, that whenever I was bored, I'd feel myself drawn to it. I fought so long and so well, but would always end up relapsing, and she'd always end up finding out... and she'd give me another chance.
Which was always rediculous - with her upbringing and past, trust is the last thing she had any ammount left of. and yet she gave it to me. That should show how much I matter to her more than anything. And yet, I broke it. I kept being selfish, thinking I knew better, or just being so checked out on her feelings that I didn't care. I wanted to orgasm. I wanted to feel good. and I was fucking stupidly selfish in a thing that involved us both.
In our relationship, we've had some hard hard times. We found out she's dealing with being bi-polar, which was a good revalation for how we should move forwards. It stressed me out for so long. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be the foundation she could build herself and her life on. She was always so sad, and I just wanted her to be happy - I thought being that place she could trust to fall back on was how I could show my love for her. Then it's like I got... mad... that I was giving so much, and not getting what I wanted back. It wasn't fair to her. She wasn't at a place to give what I needed back, and I shouldn't have expected anything like that. Love and things like that shouldn't be given only with expectations of reimbursement.
I have anxiety, but it never got as bad as paranoia and dementia. It did when I was with her. I thought it was because of the weed, so I swore off of it. Then I thought it was the stress, so I tried to ease that... but it makes sense if it's all tied in. My anxiety likely was from keeping my Porn from my wife. I was guilty somewhere, and hurting myself with it... and freaking out. I have such fear of my own brain. Of being trapped in it. Of losing myself. I'm scared, lost, and don't know what I want to be or do. I'm also scared of being vulnerable like that around her. It says something of us, but I never felt like I could share anything with her that might trigger one of her moods, so I'd hide it away or muscle through it. I'm not blaming her, or explaining it away, but It's just something I've realized that might have influenced the terrible dynamic that we constantly felt for a while.
I think that's enough musing existentially for right now - I just wanted to get all that down.
She's been wonderful, and has been talking to me, which has helped a lot. We're in limbo between a separation and a full divorce, and it will hinge on wheather she can trust me again. No matter what I'll continue this, because I see more parts of me I don't like than I can number from this PA, and I want to be rid of it... It's like realizing you have this rash you;ve been explaining away, but you didn't realize how sick it was making you. How different I've been. I'm excited to see who I am sober and outside of it.
oh, rest of day was cleaning, which was nice. Found out that the WHOLE HOSE of the vacume was filkled with dog hair, and while we keept changing the bag, that wasn't the problem, so it was a nice problem to solve. Dishes cleaned, counter cleaned, things sorted. Wanted to see our dog, but traffic was too bad for me to make it down to see her in any good amount of time. came home and played a new online game with some friends. Was actually fun to learn.
day 2.
woke up anxious again. Had some really wierd dreams that i can't quite recall. work allowed me to come in a bit late to get my head on right. started at 10 and worked till 5. writing this once I get home. Listening to audiobooks when I work has helped calm my nerves. I'm excited to play with friends again tonight.
No urges still, but I think the digest and shame is still too strong to feel anything different.
Thanks for listening guys and gals... I'll be doing this day by day.

 

You're doing great then. Best we can do is admit our stupidity and mistakes, and try to be better . To both ourselves and our wives.
Yours seems it might be tied to enjoyment of attention or a kind of need to be noticed. 20 free cans is almost too many for it to be about the porn and is almost about control or avaliability... Almost like a selection. I'm no therapist, but maybe the thing you felt you were missing in your marriage is the selection. I hope you are able to get down to the bottom of this all and figure your way out, but I don't think expecting benefits is going to to come to fruition .. Its gotta almost be your own self respect that keeps you out of it. I think I mentioned it in mine - that I had to remind myself that it's not done kind of god given right to look at porn... And that it was tainting me, despite the... "vindication" it gave me.

 

Days 3/4/5/and 6

Been a super busy weekend -sorry for not checking in earlier.
Things have been tough. not because of the urge - my anxiety, shame, and heart still hurt way too bad to go back to it- but because I've had to notice and face some harsh truths in myself.
My wife feels I'm a womanizer, and so I've done some real thinking to if I am. I'm inclined to agree with her, as her outside perspective is likely clearer than my own. She's also pointed out that quite a few of my friends are too... which has been difficult. I cherish my friends a lot, and I'm often one to overlook their faults. But looking back on it, they've also been enablers. I've been conditioned to feel like porn usage is commonplace because in our group, when we bring it up, it's not considered abnormal.
This weekend was one of my best friend's weddings "J". I was one of the groomsmen. I decided it would be a good time to talk to them about what I've been going through and what my decisions were in changing. They were very supportive, despite not agreeing completely. J especially makes my wife digusted as my history with him is some of the worst parts of myself. I made it clear to them that I wouldn't be that guy anymore. To be more specific - I had exchanged pictures of my exs with him. This disgusted my wife, understandably. She can't look at me without being disgusted.
And I understand. I deserve that. The books have finally arrived, and I've been going through the first chapters of each to see if any catch me hard as being helpful to start with first. I'm excited to get into them. I'm honestly excited to be abetter person. I'm scared it's too late. many things are pointing to that truth. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I'll need the support of you all. I'll need friends. I'll need to not be alone as much as I can.
I havent had to deal witha loss like this before, so I'm scared... but I'm doing what I can. Hearing my friend and his wife give their vows made me tear up because I remembered my vows, and how happy I was.
My wife says I wasn't the man she thought I was... that I'm not her Spencer. That hit me harder than anything else this week. I want desperately to be her man. nothing has made me feel more complete and proud. I miss her. I miss being lvoed by her. I know I screwed it all up. I know I messed up her trust more than anything.... but all I can do is try to do better in the future.
We'll be meeting tomorrow to talk, and I'm so very very scared... I'll be talking to you all tomorrow. I'm reminded of two songs by one of my favorite artists that i'll post below... not just as support for me, but for support for anyone who peruses this journal.
That's all I got in me tonight... I'm exhausted from groomsman duties and heart-to-hearts.
Love you all.
You can do this.
I'm so proud you all are here.

 

Long time no post.

I've been trying to lie to myself again. My wife pointed it out to me. I was planning only to post here whenever I got urges I needed to overcome, and told myself that it's all I would need. I have the books, I have the appointments, I only need this as extra. She explained to me that I need to do it regularly - not only for myself, but to show effort. And that's a key ting - effort. She told me she feels like I've only been biding time, just waiting for her to be okay and take me back. In a huge way, that's the truth. I've been anxious everyday, and I feel like my life is in a hard stop until I either get back with her or we end things. I kept, in at least a subconscious way, feeling that if I just fixed this porn problem we'd be back to normal. Selfish, as it takes away her struggle. And the main thing is that the porn, while being a huge problem for her - it's the trust more than anything else. It's that she found out these things that she said were deal-breakers, and she either didn't matter enough, or I didn't care what she thought. I need to be more honest about what I thought in those moments.
Part of me felt her viewpoints were antiquated. Porn was such a normal thing in all the circles I ran in and society as a whole that it just seemed so far-fetched to view it as cheating. I understood how it could be seen that way, but no one really treated it that way. She told me it was a deal-breaker, and I took it seriously, until I got selfish. We stopped having sex as often. we grew distant. stress and anxiety with how we dealt with each other was at an all time high. I got many excuses, but no reasons other than that I felt... like my needs were secondary. honestly. I've felt that all through our relationship, and it's something that I've brought up to her, only to have her turn it into herself in hate or turn it against me that i'm insensitive for feeling that way and I should just leave. I would always get so frustrated.
For me... it was always going to be relationships. I would move my friends and such to the side to have that "special connection". I kept thinking that if I only found that one partner that could support me, and I could support them, we could both reach our dreams. We'd communicate, the sex would be great, we'd get along, and be kind, compassionate, loving, patient, empathetic, and understanding. In a way, I wasn't ready for the reality. A marriage is hard hard work - especially when you both are dealing with your own baggage. She was dealing with a death of her closest friend, learning she had bipolar disorder, difficulty with energy, depression, trust issues, and apathy. I was dealing with changes in my freedoms, depersonalization, anxiety attacks, existential terrors, and depression. I kept trying to make her happy, and she was just trying to stay afloat. In a way, we're still in that spot today.
She doesn't love herself.
I should mention I have a savior complex too, which has helped me to find the hardest relationships. constantly I keep thinking that it just takes a little more elbow grease to get it right... but she seems so... married to the negative. She expects she should be alone. She expects I should have someone better that doesn't have all this baggage and hang-ups about porn. She expects everyone to let her down and for everything to suck.
I'm a pretty positive person, and I've felt her negativity jam into me more times than once. It's hurt, but then that savior complex kicks in, and I just want to help her. Heck, our worst fight in our honeymoon changed from her attacking me to me consoling her. It constantly goes that way. I don't know if she expects it to change too... I mean, I know I have to change - and she's already changed so much. She's in a much better place than she was before - she finally has some friends she enjoys hanging out with, and until this latest fuck-up on my part, she had been so.... nice to be around. Which is mean to say, in a way, but I always felt I was on eggshells.... and I hated that whenever I would bring that up, giving up would be the first choice rather than fixing that problem. It was constantly like that... and i know what it stemmed from. In her mind and heart, it was always easier to call it quits than to change... to her, she hated herself. She didn't think she could make it, so it was easier to give up than to try. Well, that's not fair to say, she definitely, tried. She tried a ton. She just never had faith in herself.
That's it... she never had faith in herself to be a better person than she is.
She always felt like she was stuck with herself in a big way.
and I would always get stuck on that in our relationship.
because that's no way to live, it's no way to love, and it's more specifically...
something I can't change.
So much of the things with her would be things she'd have to chose to change... but she seemed always so... hopeless. like she couldn't expect her life to be good or for people to be nice because life isn't and shouldn't be nice. It's why she was always predetermined to have a bad time before she'd even go out to stuff or try something new.
Don't get me wrong at all, journal. I love this girl more than anything. I love her because I understand her. She's so.... genuine. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, and I can always understand why she feels the way she does. I may not agree with it, but I understand. I've seen her get frustrated with games... tons of games... I've seen her be out of effort and strength before even starting. I've seen her at her most vulnerable and at her strongest.
She's a beautiful amazing person... I just desperately want her to think so too.
I kind of went off on a tangent there, but I guess it helps to talk about, because as much as this porn thing has to do with me, it has to do with her too. more specifically, it has to do with us. How I feel about her. My respect for her. My respect for me. Her respect for me, and her respect for herself.
We're just two people trying our best, so I could never fault her for how she feels or what she decides. I'll just love her no matter what.
Anyways, it's been snowpocaplyse here. I've been off work for 4 days and I should have posted earlier... I just didn't know what to say. I should have just started and let it flow. I'll be post here more often. Likely not every day, but definitely more often.
I got books I'll talk about next time, as well as an intake appointment with a therapist specifically about porn addiction.
Talk to you all later.

 

relapsed.
She ended things.
It's been tough.
I'm sticking through it.
I'm sorry.