Posting here instead so I might get some help from others with SOs they need to regain the trust of. Day 0 Here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/starting-this-out-right.212608/ Day 1/2 Missed yesterday's post by trying not to dwell. Not dwelling seems to always be the hardest thing for me. Whether I'm being ashamed about who I've learned I am when I'm not lying to myself - or I'm anxious over what my wife will decide - compartmentalizing has been the name of the game. I started out the morning calling out to work - I was still loopy from my medication stupor I got into the night before, and didn't feel comfortable driving anywhere ( I need to for my job). That and I didn't feel ready to face the day. I stayed in bed until around 2, reading everything I could about PAs and SOs and working things out. Read all the way through Rock_star's thread, and really hope to show as much effort as he does. Not just for my wife and my marriage, but for myself. I say that, and I still am not completely positive what I mean by that. I... I ran from this for so long. I thought watching porn was just what guys do - that it was old fashioned to think otherwise. I convinced myself that the sexual freedom of women with vibrators was equivalent to the porn of men. I fought for it, because I needed it... even when I convinced myself that I didn't. I truly thought I could stop whenever I wanted to... but I didn't hold myself accountable. I explained it away to myself each time, thinking that "I'm just like nay other guy " and something along the lines of " If every other guy does, why should I deny myself of it. I'm missing out" - The dopemine hit was so addictive, that whenever I was bored, I'd feel myself drawn to it. I fought so long and so well, but would always end up relapsing, and she'd always end up finding out... and she'd give me another chance. Which was always rediculous - with her upbringing and past, trust is the last thing she had any ammount left of. and yet she gave it to me. That should show how much I matter to her more than anything. And yet, I broke it. I kept being selfish, thinking I knew better, or just being so checked out on her feelings that I didn't care. I wanted to orgasm. I wanted to feel good. and I was fucking stupidly selfish in a thing that involved us both. In our relationship, we've had some hard hard times. We found out she's dealing with being bi-polar, which was a good revalation for how we should move forwards. It stressed me out for so long. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be the foundation she could build herself and her life on. She was always so sad, and I just wanted her to be happy - I thought being that place she could trust to fall back on was how I could show my love for her. Then it's like I got... mad... that I was giving so much, and not getting what I wanted back. It wasn't fair to her. She wasn't at a place to give what I needed back, and I shouldn't have expected anything like that. Love and things like that shouldn't be given only with expectations of reimbursement. I have anxiety, but it never got as bad as paranoia and dementia. It did when I was with her. I thought it was because of the weed, so I swore off of it. Then I thought it was the stress, so I tried to ease that... but it makes sense if it's all tied in. My anxiety likely was from keeping my Porn from my wife. I was guilty somewhere, and hurting myself with it... and freaking out. I have such fear of my own brain. Of being trapped in it. Of losing myself. I'm scared, lost, and don't know what I want to be or do. I'm also scared of being vulnerable like that around her. It says something of us, but I never felt like I could share anything with her that might trigger one of her moods, so I'd hide it away or muscle through it. I'm not blaming her, or explaining it away, but It's just something I've realized that might have influenced the terrible dynamic that we constantly felt for a while. I think that's enough musing existentially for right now - I just wanted to get all that down. She's been wonderful, and has been talking to me, which has helped a lot. We're in limbo between a separation and a full divorce, and it will hinge on wheather she can trust me again. No matter what I'll continue this, because I see more parts of me I don't like than I can number from this PA, and I want to be rid of it... It's like realizing you have this rash you;ve been explaining away, but you didn't realize how sick it was making you. How different I've been. I'm excited to see who I am sober and outside of it. oh, rest of day was cleaning, which was nice. Found out that the WHOLE HOSE of the vacume was filkled with dog hair, and while we keept changing the bag, that wasn't the problem, so it was a nice problem to solve. Dishes cleaned, counter cleaned, things sorted. Wanted to see our dog, but traffic was too bad for me to make it down to see her in any good amount of time. came home and played a new online game with some friends. Was actually fun to learn. day 2. woke up anxious again. Had some really wierd dreams that i can't quite recall. work allowed me to come in a bit late to get my head on right. started at 10 and worked till 5. writing this once I get home. Listening to audiobooks when I work has helped calm my nerves. I'm excited to play with friends again tonight. No urges still, but I think the digest and shame is still too strong to feel anything different. Thanks for listening guys and gals... I'll be doing this day by day.