Finding it hard to start dialogue with wife

Sorry to hear you’re having struggles. I’m not sure if you want advice on talking to your wife or initiating sex, but I have issues with both so I’ll share my opinion.

Communication is key. I have not been doing a good job of opening up to my wife and it’s prolonging the betrayal trauma my wife is suffering from. I am committed to initiating a conversation about my recovery everyday now and I will provide a safe space to listen to and support my wife, being 100% honest at all times. My wife needs this from me to begin healing and I haven’t been consistent with it.

I obviously don’t know any details about your marriage but, if you’re anything like me, I imagine your wife gave up trying to talk to you about things a while ago. I would dodge and lie and it got to the point where my wife didn’t have the energy anymore. It’s our responsibility to handle our recovery as our wives want a partner, not a project. Start by just talking to her about what’s going on in your 12 Step Group. I keep a journal on here my wife has access to so if I’m struggling to initiate a conversation I ask her to read it.

 

Well, I haven't been married and I don't know the full situation, but I have been in a couple of relationships. You say there's resentment on both sides, but you're looking to renew your intimacy. As far as sex goes, make sure that's not what you're focusing on and reestablish your connection with your wife.

I think it's important to be very vulnerable with her, but realize that she'll likely snap at you because she's likely hurting over your porn addiction and will put up barriers to prevent herself from being hurt. It's paramount you don't snap back at her, but don't enable her to get into a habit of making you her punching bag, if she's the type to start blaming you for everything when she's angry. Do let her know that you're trying to change and rectify things and that you miss being close to her.

This is likely going to be a long process especially since the resentment seems to have been built up over years. But you can get back to a relatively loving place in your marrriage, though it may never be the same as it was when you weren't going through as many problems.

 

Great! Secrecy is the main spoiler of any relationship. If you can't tell her what you're about to do, don't do it. Being clean means you *can* be open about anything and everything. Don't go into detail of your P use since it will hurt her unnecessarily, do let her in on how you are changing your (whole way of dealing with) life.

Acknowledge her pain, don't try to justify your old behavior even if at the time you thought it was okay. Be compassionate and listen, listen, listen. And if you speak: ONLY TELL THE TRUTH.

I've done this with my wife and slowly she is regaining trust in me. I'm not building on it, though. It's me I'm building on. My power, my honesty and my openness. Fueled by a desire to be the best version of myself I can be. My true self. She is doing the same and this is how we grow personally and spiritually. Independent and together.

 

Is the 12-step programme you are on for porn addiction or something else?