Finding love for oneself, before finding a partner

Chris Aurelius Denver

Chris Aurelius Denver

Fapstronaut
Goodmorning dear Reader,

This is a thread I've been thinking about writing for some time now. And it revolves around an observation and statement which has helped my dating life.
The statement is this: "One should find love for oneself, before searching for love from others."

Over the past few years, I've been seeing a trend among the people who are near to me. My friends, loved ones, and even complete strangers on parties asking for advice. These people were all searching for a partner. Someone to share their journey with, or just someone to share the night with. Whatever the case was, they were searching, but were not able to find it.

I observed as they acted unlike themselves when around the desired person, and sometimes even saw them neglect themselves in favour of being with the other. And the sad thing is? Not one of those people who tried so hard got what they wanted.

Why is this? Well, I kept observing one friend of mine (he is like a brother to me so I saw him often), and saw that once he let the desire for the other person go, he started improving. He began working on himself. Exercising and reading, even trying harder in school. All the time and energy he normally spent searching for a partner, was now spent working on making himself better.

When I confronted him with this he said the following, I can still remember it: "Weird that people notice it, I just started doing my own thing." He changed his focus from other people to himself, started doing the things he wanted to do. Instead of doing the things of which he thought the other wanted him to do.

This made him love himself more, and as a consequence, made other people love him as well. Women flock to him now and friends respect him more. These days, he has no trouble finding a partner and is the most confident guy I know.

I believe we can all achieve this, but we have to start by loving ourselves. And the best way to do this is by improving ourselves a little bit, every single day.

Best regards and have a great day,

Chris A. Denver
 
Great! Post you are 100 % correct. I am at the same position as your friend. I really want to find a women to have a family with but now I have so much energy thanks to Nofab. That I need to focus on my life and women will come :)
 
Silverson said:
Great! Post you are 100 % correct. I am at the same position as your friend. I really want to find a women to have a family with but now I have so much energy thanks to Nofab. That I need to focus on my life and women will come :)
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Goodafternoon dear Silverson,

Thank your for your words regarding the post! We can all take my friend as inspiration in life. He had to climb up from a deep, dark place to get a place with the view he has now, metaphorically speaking ofcourse. Use your new found energy productively and you will go far. I believe in your ability to find what you want and wish you all the best.

Best regards,

Chris A. Denver
 
This is so true and inspiring which lot of people these days don't get. They always chase for someone or something forgetting to see their own worth and value. To see how incredible they are. You have to realize it. You have to understand yourself before you go out there looking for someone else. When you find that and work accordingly to improvise. You'll find the right soulmate coming to you eventually. In my point of view "SELF LOVE IS MORE ESSENTIAL THAN A RELATIONSHIP" If you don't love yourself, don't look after yourself who's gonna do it for you? Make yourself your top priority. Good luck!!!
 
Get_It said:
Erich Fromme said if you can't love your self, you can't love at all.
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I agree. I think about the man I want to be. What would a woman find appealing? Certainly someone with good skin, weight and smartly dressed. And that’s what I present. I shave every day, when I used to shave every third day, or thereabouts. I stopped that. I thought ‘what if I see someone I like looking like this? Is this the best version of me?’ And the answer was no.
 
Fullyawake said:
I agree. I think about the man I want to be. What would a woman find appealing? Certainly someone with good skin, weight and smartly dressed. And that’s what I present. I shave every day, when I used to shave every third day, or thereabouts. I stopped that. I thought ‘what if I see someone I like looking like this? Is this the best version of me?’ And the answer was no.
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Goodmorning dear Fullyawake,

I agree with your point of course. How you look is very important for the attraction other people have for you. But do not lose sight of the internal attractiveness!

This attractiveness is a just as big, if not bigger, part of the love equation. We should all strive to be our best selves. A big part of this is striving to internalize some good virtues. Virtues like wisdom, honesty, courage and being kind to others. Other people will pick up on them, and it will feel good to follow them.

I wish you a great day!

Best regards,

Chris A. Denver
 
Nines said:
Thanks for the story and perspective. Would also describe part of this process as 'being honest with oneself'?
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Goodmorning dear Nines,

Being honest with oneself is in my opinion one of the most important skills for self-improvement. How can we see what's wrong with our current habits if we're not honest about the damage it's doing to us?

We should all be honest with ourselves and with others. No matter how difficult this might be most of the time.

Best regards,

Chris A. Denver
 
There would have been a time when I would have agreed with you but now I'm not so sure. I was listening to the editor of the Modern Love column and he said he's read many essays for the column where the opposite happens - people are able to love themselves after they're loved by someone else. You can listen to it here.
 
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