Finding my path

Good evening mates

I will try to make it short, I just want to clear out my mind.

I have been pathetic 7 years straight doing PMO once a day, sometimes twice. As a person i am not outgoing, every single time anyone invited me I denied it, every single day i am at home doing nothing. I have extreme paranoia of meeting new people. I have only some good friends (quantity not equal quality I guess). I consider myself very good looking and even though tons of girls in high school tried to talk to me, somehow I always ended up making my sweet escape (I had something better waiting for me at home, lol).

There have been better days in high school when I somehow felt like world is mine, world is wonderful. All of the sudden girls laughed with me, tons of eye contacts, I can feel they want to interact. I was like, why is it happening, why so much attention to me. I didn't even considered possibility, that it was because of few hand-training sessions skipped. I went totally outgoing, happy, flirty, for a day... at least.

PMO had me blacked out completely for all these years. Blocked my vision and got to position when I felt every single time any girl tries to get me better, I have to wank. And that was the reason real need for answering back was erased. I have blamed every single thing because of my lack of getting relationship, except masturbation. I felt like masturbation is the only way of getting you through life if you don't have a partner. I was so wrong - it's steals from you any ability or motivation to get out there and try.

Most of these years I was asking myself questions, why am I only one struggling with finding relationships, when all of my relatives have them. What is wrong with me? It felt like I am the only one missing out real life, not knowing the real issue here. Everyone trains his hand from time to time, there is nothing wrong with that... If it is not becoming obsession and the only meaning of your day cycle.

I just feel like I am perfect disaster when it comes to communication or flirt itself. I couldn't make any average eye contact with my employer, family, friends. I started to avoid any meetups, containing girls, like gaming nights if my friends comes with their girls, because I feel like not worthy, ashamed, being judged, and there is no reason to join if there is not an available girls. So whats the point?

Accidentally, 48 hours ago, SWIM* got back and had some smoke ( SWIM* haven't smoked for a long time, so tolerance was really low). It was the worst paranoic trip *SWIM have ever experienced, it somehow focused on *SWIM deepest issues, couldn't pay attention to movie so *SWIM turned it off and continued to travel further in current scary mindset (thoughts of becoming gay, being loser, not having real interactions, being afraid of them). AND IT MANAGED TO OPEN EYES. I came to realize all my tries and sudden lust of approaching girls and running for them (unsuccessfully unfortunately) happened during periods of zero fapping (I can't recall why there was these kind of periods, I was totally busy I guess and it felt wonderful). My thoughts were completely blacked out of this. Otherwise, it's pointless to live with no will and motivation of possibility that maybe this exact day when you wake up and get out, suddenly you get your chance. Even though it was worst trip *SWIM have ever made, day later it felt like sudden spiritual awakening. *SWIM felt like a complete different person.

Yesterday, I woke up and made myself clear - I have to stop this, I have to do something about it... There is no way I could ever have relationship, if I have struggle to go outside my comfort zone. I want to feel that real life high, being free of PMO for good even on most desperate moments.

Even though, I believe in really random meets when you by accident get a girlfriend, you will never EVER get there if you wank your needs down the plumbs and constantly kill your inner and outer shell of emotions.

It has to stop. Something has started. 48hours+ in. Feels good.

Best of wishes to all of you fellow friends in this road. Bumpy or not, I feel like it's worth trying.
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*SWIM - Somebody who isn't me.