Finding my voice

One of the things I struggle with the most is I feel like I’m at fault. Like I’ve done something wrong. If I hadn’t been snooping on his phone I wouldn’t be in this mess. Like I picked the wrong person to build a life with. I don’t want to tell any of my friends because I feel they will think “well what’s wrong with you that you picked a person like this?” Or even worse “what’s wrong with you that you want to stay with someone like that.” It’s such a hard thing for me to come to terms with because I am angry that I have to feel embarrassed or humiliated about something that doesn’t even involve me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me! Then when I do tell people they feel sorry for me. I don’t want their pity. I just want someone to say “wow. That’s a lot to deal with. What are you going to do?” Or “how can I help?”

I got a phone call from my therapist yesterday checking in with me. We’ve gone down to every other week visits and she wanted to make sure I was handling everything okay, especially considering the new developments with my relationship. I didn’t answer the phone because I was busy but I thought about it for a long time. I don’t know that things will ever be okay honestly and that feels really sad and hopeless to me. Even if I decide to end my marriage it will always be hanging over my head. Always. How do I deal with those feelings?? Every day I think about it. Every day I wonder what he’s thinking about. Every day I think of some instance with my husband and wonder if he was thinking about his PA when he was with me. How will I ever feel good enough for him again? I will always wonder if he’s thinking about someone else... especially if we are intimate. My brain hurts

 

I have always had this theory about why women go a little crazy when they're in a relationship. When a man is aloof, unavailable, and uninterested she starts grasping at anything and everything she can. She calls too many times, texts until he answers. She may even drive by his house to see if anyone else is there. It's all because she feels insecure. She cares for this man, and he can't seem to show the same care in return, or if he does it's not in a way that she FEELS cared for.

It's hard to say, but I've been this girl in relationships before. I've always prided myself on being pretty even keel, and what you see is what you get. I don't play games, and I'm very honest and straight forward in the way I communicate and the way I love. These men, in my past, have accused me of being "too intense" and "too clingy." Maybe I am, I don't know, but when I met my husband it was like my breath came back into my body. Like I was able to really truly be myself and it would be okay that I talked too much, or sang through the grocery store. At one point we had "the conversation" where I was told that my love and feelings were a bit too much for him. I feel like I convinced him it would be okay, and that if he'd just let me be me, everything would be fine.

These are the things I think about... the moments where it felt like things, our relationship, were slipping away, and grabbed on, and held so tight. I loved this man, I felt like I was finally going to get my "happy ending" so to speak. Maybe I held on too tight, maybe I should have let these moments pass or play out and see how it turned out...

Back to my original thought--being a crazy woman. I find myself thinking about all these things I want to do, check up on my husband, figure out a way to see/read his email, his internet history... I check our cell records daily to see who he's texting, who he's talking to. Who does that number belong to? Is it someone I know? Someone new? A woman he's met? I'm honestly driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to make peace within my own head.

Again the feelings that I've done something wrong, and this "separation" is a punishment for whatever it is I've done. I know, I'm not supposed to think that way, but I do. It's inevitably where my mind goes, and it lingers there, and I can't seem to get it to spin out of there.

In one of the books I'm reading, that was recommended by someone here it says we as the wives of PA's suffer from PTSD. Every time our husbands relapse we are retraumatized by the original feelings when we first discovered or were told his giant secret. I realize now most of everything I'm feeling are the ripples of this trauma. I'm going to talk with my therapist this week about maybe getting some help with these feelings. I wish I could explain what I see, hear and feel better, but it's nice and comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I just wish I knew a better way to work through all of this on my own, but I just can't.

 

Today was a hard day. My mind is racing, and my heart is heavy. Too many thoughts to keep straight honestly. I just wish life didn’t have to be so hard.