Finding the inner man

Hey!

First of all i'd like to apologize for my bad english and also for the length of this post. I am a 20 years old. I grew up only with my mother and there was really no male idol i could possibly find inspirative in my life. This had the effect that i've always been friends only with girls. I never really knew how to talk with other men, i just never learnt how to do this. The first time i realized was the first time i fell in love with a girl, because i didn't know how to be a man with her, i could only be a good friend. This happened several times in my life.

I felt really bad, because i was feeling the urge to become more masculine. I always knew it is somewhere inside me. It is not that i forced myself into it. It just felt like if i was acting. I even started a relationship with a girl and it lasted for quite a long time and it was fantastic! Yet i still didn't feel right. The realtionship was great, the sex was great, everything was great, but is till couldn't talk to men normally. I felt insecure in manly activities. For example if something was broken and i knew i could fix it i'd still pretend i can't when other men where watching. I felt like nothing between them. With my girlfriend, it was something else. In situations like this i felt strong and i felt as a real man. It felt so good.

The problem started when we broke up. I was trying to find some male idols for me to follow. I wanted to learn how to be a man, but something completely different happened. While watching porn, i started to be jealous of the men. I started to feel like nothing even more and I wish i could be as manly as they are. This went as far as me watching gay porn just to see two manly guys. I even thought i was gay so i told my friends and family it was possible. They were OK with it, but suddenly i realized it didn't make me feel any better. I didn't really like man at all. This happened when i fell in love with a girl again. It was mental love as well as physical attraction and it felt much better than what i felt with men. the reason i watched men at that time was admiration. I wanted to be as masculine as they are.

I stopped watching porn and i suddenly found myself feeling much better. Yet i am still a person very similar to who i was back then. I started to study at a university and i was able to find a few male friends and i found myself learning kinda fast. But still there's years and years of being a man and acting like one missing. Could you possibly give me advices? Is there anyone with similar story? How did you find your inner man if you grew up without any male idols? I would really appreciate any help/advice.

 

Thanks for your answer. I am glad that there are other men facing this problem. With me it is not that i would be feminine or too emotional. To be honest i'd like to be much more emotional, because sometimes i feel like i don't really live, but i guess that is natural change in early adulthood. Even between women i act like a man, more or less, i just know how to talk to them and what to say to them to be part of their group. But when it comes to talking to men.. well, that is really bad.