Finished Reading, Insights from "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

The book was not perfect for me. Meaning, the "Nice Guy" he is trying to help via the book was about 40% me. 15 years ago, I fit the "Nice Guy" mold about 75%. Still the book was insightful and gave me a lot of things to ponder.

Robert Glover states these as some of the benefits of being an "integrated male" (in the book an integrated male is a 'recovered' nice guy):

"They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and want.
They can give judiciously — giving what people really need.
They can give without resentment and expectation.
They become less needy.
They become more attractive."

Who wouldn't want those attributes.

In the same chapter Dr. Glover goes on to state:
"Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man."

I can't disagree with that.

This statement really hit me hard:
"No one really wants to believe that they have to be false or hide who they really are to get someone to love them or stay with them. Yet, this is a common dynamic in the intimate relationships Nice Guys create."

When it comes to my wife and I and our intimacy, I always feel like I am hiding my true self. Porn and my embarrassment about it, created a wall in our marriage where it was impossible to be open about what I wanted in our intimate life for 2 reasons.
1. If I were truly open, the subject of porn would have to come up, and that would hurt my wife. So, I couldn't be truthful about my intimacy needs ever, I had to just keep them to myself, to protect my wife. I am writing this even though I did tell my wife about my addiction multiple times, but until I actually kicked the addiction to the curb, it was impossible for me to have open conversations with her without hurting her more.
2. I have been addicted to porn since I was 15... even now that I have quit, I don't know what a normal intimate relationship is. How can I even know 'who they (I) really are (am)' in an intimate sense?

I thought this was really good advice worth sharing:
"To help Nice Guys decide if they need to set a boundary with a particular behavior, I have them apply the Second Date Rule. Using the second date rule, Nice Guys ask themselves, "If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have been a third?" This question helps them see if they have been putting up with something that they shouldn't."

Sometimes marriage is confusing, and knowing the difference between right and wrong or path A and path B is as clear as mud. The 2nd date rule sounds like a decent way to navigate those types of situations.

This is definitely true. One of the reasons I sought out my wife, was because she was a safe play. It is kind of sad for me to write that.
"Wounded people are attracted to wounded people. When Nice Guys enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners who look more dysfunctional than they do. This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the other. This is a distortion, because healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people — and vice versa."

Yep, this is me:
"Imagine the financial jackpot of inventing a pill to take away loneliness, cure boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create feelings of being loved, relieve stress, and generally solve all personal problems. Nice Guys believe such a drug exists — they call it sex. Many Nice Guys discovered at an early age that sexual arousal was a good distraction from the isolation, turmoil, unrealistic demands, and abandonment experiences of their childhood."

Now, this is going to be controversial on nofap, I am not sure what to think about it. Thoughts anyone?
"Before Nice Guys can have exciting, passionate, and fulfilling sexual experiences with other people, they must learn how to have the same with themselves. By taking matters into their own hands — by practicing healthy masturbation — recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex."

Dr. Glover later defines healthy masturbation as masturbation without fantasy or porn.

Another opinion of Dr. Glover which I was NOT expecting. This is the exact opposite advice with regards to what I have been trying to do in bed with my wife and seems to be at odds with most of the advice on nofap. Thoughts?
"Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways."