First 109 Days in 45 Years

Today I saw my Doctor whom I have not shared my addiction with. Its that whole I am in control BS I know but working on that part.
But He noticed right off how self confident I was and well spoken I was I could tell by his body language and how he spoke to me on a equal bases which is rare.

I noticed allot of different things going on, I volunteered last night at Memory Care Facility I do pretty often and I could tell a huge difference on my approach to the place I walked in not cocky, but confident and I could tell my presence was recognized.

I am not use to feeling that but I know its part of me, as I publicly have spoken, debated and run classes. But even back then I was not on my game, I am amazed how porn even effected my day to day activities and yes even after 45 years I had no idea.

The bad:
109 days ago or maybe more like 220 days ago 30days before my last abuse. I was beat down and beat up. I felt like I was dying inside and swore I must have cancer or worse my whole world was crap and porn was my rescuer. The only positive was knowing I could use when I felt like it. I am married and felt alone, I volunteer and felt alone.
I was tired and felt alone and the anxiety and depression was near fatal to my spirit.
I prayed allot and had a thousand times before, asking God to just remove this from my life so I could be free and years on years I felt abandoned. I realized that God was not stopping me and God was not abandoning me. I was not stopping me.
There is a reason when some one cuts us off on the raod and we don't grab a bat and beat them to a pulp, because we know its wrong and hurtful and unhealthy. Yet we will all do porn and justify it. When I say porn is wrong people get all religions and then think that is an excuse. No porn is wrong because it tells the body to act in a unnatural way. Its hurtful because it harms our minds and others and its unhealthy for a million reasons.

Day 109, thank you for this website, I now click to here when even an inkling comes up .

 

Thank You guys.
I say the serenity prayer allot that helps me.
I also say stuff to myself like .

1. I was strong once before I was weak.
2. I once enjoyed life for just living it.
3. I once loved who I was.

These things I want in my life back, want to be strong and have a desire for life which is returning
and I am actually starting to like and maybe even respect the person I am becoming well see
as this is an addiction, and once you think you have won, you have lost. Being Humble is huge
to stay off porn.