I'm a new member here, but have been reading these journals for a while now. I have no one to talk to about this and desperately need an outlet and a reality check from people who know what I'm going through. I met and married my husband late in life. I was 54 and he 62. We fell in love hard and fast and there are still days I think he was made by some deity just for me. I first discovered his porn addiction a mere 36 hours after our wedding. In fact, I discovered that he had been looking at porn ON our wedding day. The days and weeks after are a blur. He swore he would stop and eventually things began to clear up for us. He did and said all the right things, only to get caught again 6 months later. In the time since the first D day, so many pieces began to fall into place for me. I now know that he has a severe and predatory ogling problem, becomes fixated on teenage girls (both real and images), is a porn addict and who knows what else. I am a shadow of my former self with all the familiar symptoms. Can't leave the house; can't leave the room; get triggered by the simplest objects or words; nightmares and constant rumination; my body hurts all the time; have developed PTSD that has caused numerous full-blown panic attacks where I thought I was going to die; spend PRACTICALLY ALL MY TIME researching porn addiction, reading about betrayal trauma and how to treat it, etc. I used to be a fun, interesting person who did lots of volunteer work and had too many hobbies to count. But now this garbage is not just my hobby but my ENTIRE life for the last year with no end in sight. He acknowledges his problem and gives lip service about trying to fix it, but spends approximately 1 hour for every 300 of my hours dealing with this (no exaggeration). I am retired and entered the marriage with many, many more assets than he did. I am terrified about the financial consequences of a divorce. Some days I feel so trapped that suicide seems the only relief. Other days, I feel defiant and know I will stay alive. It has been immensely helpful to hear from the women on this forum, as it has helped me know that I am not actually insane.