First Journal Post

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Susannah, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I'm a new member here, but have been reading these journals for a while now. I have no one to talk to about this and desperately need an outlet and a reality check from people who know what I'm going through.

    I met and married my husband late in life. I was 54 and he 62. We fell in love hard and fast and there are still days I think he was made by some deity just for me. I first discovered his porn addiction a mere 36 hours after our wedding. In fact, I discovered that he had been looking at porn ON our wedding day. The days and weeks after are a blur. He swore he would stop and eventually things began to clear up for us. He did and said all the right things, only to get caught again 6 months later. In the time since the first D day, so many pieces began to fall into place for me. I now know that he has a severe and predatory ogling problem, becomes fixated on teenage girls (both real and images), is a porn addict and who knows what else.

    I am a shadow of my former self with all the familiar symptoms. Can't leave the house; can't leave the room; get triggered by the simplest objects or words; nightmares and constant rumination; my body hurts all the time; have developed PTSD that has caused numerous full-blown panic attacks where I thought I was going to die; spend PRACTICALLY ALL MY TIME researching porn addiction, reading about betrayal trauma and how to treat it, etc. I used to be a fun, interesting person who did lots of volunteer work and had too many hobbies to count. But now this garbage is not just my hobby but my ENTIRE life for the last year with no end in sight.

    He acknowledges his problem and gives lip service about trying to fix it, but spends approximately 1 hour for every 300 of my hours dealing with this (no exaggeration).

    I am retired and entered the marriage with many, many more assets than he did. I am terrified about the financial consequences of a divorce. Some days I feel so trapped that suicide seems the only relief. Other days, I feel defiant and know I will stay alive.

    It has been immensely helpful to hear from the women on this forum, as it has helped me know that I am not actually insane.
     
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the site @Susannah , you have definitely come to the right place, there are so many others here in the same situation as you and so I hope you can find comfort and support in that.

    I'm truly sorry for everything you are going through. I can relate to so much of what you have said. Especially all the feelings of trauma, triggers, constant rumination and panic attacks. I too spent so many years researching his porn addiction, finding as much as I could. I did everything in my power to help him. I found him a sex therapist, 12 step groups, online forums, online recovery workshops, books on pornography addiction, you name it meanwhile he showed little interest in any of it. I won't go into detail, you're welcome to read my journal if you like but basically what it all boiled down to is no amount of work I did made any difference. He didn't want real recovery. Many times he actually faked recovery just to appease me. You need to be careful that his addiction doesn't consume you. That's how it became for me. It almost became an obsession, I was obsessed with trying to catch him out because I just instinctively knew he was still lying to me and I was obsessed with trying to get him into recovery. I know how hard it is and I have been there. But you need to try and step back and let him take responsibility for his recovery. It took me a long time to get this and it was so hard for me. Have you read much about setting boundaries and consequences? You need to establish these for your own protection and safety. One of those boundaries should be that he starts taking initiative of his own recovery and starts doing work on himself, be it start seeing a sex therapist, joining NoFap here, doing one of the many online workshops or any number of things. And you need to start focusing on your own healing. You need to start thinking of yourself and working on your betrayal trauma, your self-care and finding yourself again. This addiction really changes you and turns your whole world upside down - I totally get it. I became totally traumatised, anxious, isolated myself, lost interest in the things I used to enjoy, left my job, I started drinking way too much, became totally depressed. Basically I was a mess. There were times I felt suicidal as well. Believe me you are not alone. And I really feel for everything you are going through. As I suggested before start setting Boundaries, and then start working on yourself. You may even want to see a counsellor or a therapist yourself, just to help you to start getting your life back again.

    Feel free to reach out to me any time. Best of luck with everything. Xx
     
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I am sorry you're here @Susannah but glad that you have found a support place during this terrible time. Betrayal Trauma/PTSD are the worst. I think that is the worst thing that PA's do... they give us PTSD with the lies, gaslighting, abuse, etc.

    Best book on PTSD: https://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumat...id=1543417619&sr=8-8&keywords=ptsd+guide+book

    It was very helpful for me during all the varying trauma's I've gone through.

    Check out my resources thread if you haven't already, they are really helpful to anyone that is new here.
     
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sad for you:( you’re not alone here and maybe it can help you to read how some of the other partners cope. It’s heartbreaking to find out so soon after the wedding day. I can imagine it was like “what have I done?” For you. I didn’t find out until 6.5 years into the marriage and it was horrible. How long have you been married to him now?
     
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and for the kind words. Once again, I am startled at how similar the responses of betrayed partners can be.

    I did set some boundaries, one of which is that he commit a certain amount of time every day to his recovery. I made him set the specifics and he did. We'll see. He's not great on follow-through in general.

    Thanks for all the advice and look forward to reading your journal!
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the book recommendation! I am happy to report that tomorrow I will be attending my first session with a therapist who specializes in sex addict SO trauma. Hope to find some relief for the ptsd there.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thank you - simultaneously glad to have the support but sad that there are so many of us. We just passed our first anniversary - without acknowledging it, I might add. Too painful for me and I think he just wanted to lay low. Maybe my ripping up our wedding photos in a fit of rage gave him the impression I didn't exactly want to celebrate?
     
  8. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Is it too late to get an annulment?
     
  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yes. That was the first thing I did after the first DDay (less than 36 hours after our wedding). Apparently, not an option.
     

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