First Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kahlan_Amnell, Sep 1, 2017.

  1. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    Idk if this is how journals work here but I didn't see a specific section for them and I feel the need to write out some feelings so here it goes...

    I was really upset with my husband yestersay. It didn't help that the baby was crabby and being mean and it was 111 outside and we were stuck in the house. But he didn't do anything to to use the anger.
    I got myself is a cycle of just making myself upset. I thought about why we are in this situation, how horrible he has been for the majority of the last year and a half and how I have tried my hardest to be the best partner through all his selfishness. We have been on the brink of divorce from his poor attitude 4 times now and we've only been married 3 years.
    This whole thing has caused way more hurt for me then I wanted to admit before. The P use never bothered me but the way he acted because of it has been the root of our marital problems. He isolated, was angry, extremely selfish, and sexually aggressive and entitled. I stayed through all of this because I remembered the man I fell in love with who was so gentle and kind and loving. Even though I am seeing much more of that side to him now I am just feeling bitter about it all.
    He had a great day and by the time he came home I was so pent up with anger and so done with our kid acting up that I almost ruined his good mood. I had to get a handle on myself and focus on the good. I hate that these feelings came out of no where and I don't know what to do with them. I feel like talking to H about them would just be beating a dead horse and making him feel more guilt for past actions. I hope I can work through this.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. We all definitely have our moments when our minds and emotions run rampant. Coming here and getting it all out with people who can relate definitely helps!

    Hang in there! Sending a hug!
    Kahlan_Amnell and Kenzi like this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Nice.... You claimed a journal.
    It looks good.
    Heyyy @Broken3 is in here too... It's going to be OK. I see you got good support in here and it's going to be a great place to put all your frustration and maybe even the occasional good time or two.
    You will be able to look back and learn from your own revelations and experience.
    It's great.
    It'll be good.
    It's always rough getting going.
    You got This.
    Just remember that. :)
  4. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    Sending sexy pictures and getting feed back has always been something that makes me feel good. H has never really been into it. I would sneak to the bathroom at work and snap a picture and send it to him expecting some oogling, compliments, and a good time when I get home. But instead about a quarter of the time I would get no response, sometimes I would get scolded that the NSA is watching, sometimes I would get a very small reaction and every once in a while I would get what I was hoping for.

    I'm just curious if this could change with no more P? Did any of you notice this at the height of the addiction? He always acted very attracted to me when I was in front of him, but I'm thinking the pictures made him compare my body to the "actresses" since it was in pixle form and it just wasn't as desirable as those photoshopped plastic surgery perfect girls.

    He is going through a hard time today because his Lebito finally came back and he actually asked for nudes while I'm at work. I declined and told him he was supposed to be abstinent for a whole week and It's only been 3 days... is that how I should have responded? I mean he was coming to me for inspiration instead of his phone... idk
  5. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant

    So... you're both rebooting, together and in tandem?

    I'm sure there are varying opinions on this. To me, rebooting in a way has to do with returning to one's basic sexuality -- and general view on life -- instead of the twisted porn-induced one (and the havoc that wreaks on one's life in general.) So wanting to move from anonymous P-images to ones of his SO does not seems as bad to me, from his point of view. On the other hand, it is not going to help his reboot either. Great for him that his libido's back -- he'll feel much more normal -- but the challenge is what to do with it. If he's asking for pics today, it's probably because his addiction is looking for a way to assert itself -- which is not what you'd want.

    That said, the thing where _you_ wanna reassure yourself of his attraction by sending pics does not sit so well with me. Nude pics of the same person are tiresome after a while -- regardless of how much you like her/him; they do not make you more attractive to him. So my view is that you should probably not need it nor do it. If you wanna be exhibitionist, look for a less boring way; you wanna be reassured of his attraction, don't water it down with P-like spam that he doesn't even particularly like to begin with. It doesn't work for him and it doesn't work for what you are trying to achieve.

    So... from what you say he seems pretty into you, regardless of P addiction. My guess is that there is little to no reason to doubt his motivation/attraction. However, about the selfies, my view is that you should partly deny him pics (25%) because _he_ should be abstaining to clean up his inner act, but but more importantly (50%) because _you_ want a more real, actual, and secure relationship (with him and with yourself) too -- and because I'm assuming he does too (25%).
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2017
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I learned some of my nudes lead to pmo sessions.
    I asked which ones and both me and my SO agreed that they (the old pictures) should be deleted.
    Because when he looks at them he will think of the porn he watched and not my picture cuz he can't focus on it without getting dopamine drops. Even deleting them was difficult because of this.
    He also thought until one year, because of the P-Subs like nature of nude photos (I like sending them too) that I should not send them as they often lead him to want to next click to porn.
    My SO doesn't like triggers tho.
    All nude pictures are P-Subs, personal ones of yours are considered on a Grey scale because it's the relationship partner you are supposed to be reconnecting to.
    The pictures also lead my SO to not appreciate me or the context of photo, being as how it wasn't enough during addiction for the addict brain.
    It's a hard loop to break.
    Just my opinion...
    Personally, I agree with my SO... I would feel freaking awful if my pictures started a chain reaction to relapse.
    That's just me tho.
    Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Talked more about it with my SO.
    And some things stood out to him as a addict.
    1) if he's asking for the nudes... It's his brain Reaching for a dopamine fix from a screen... He was like, Nope! Good you didn't do that, they should be a Gift from the sender.
    2) your libido doesn't return until after Flatline.(even if he's a lucky few who miss the Flatline) ... After 3 days, no way... It takes months to get back to a normal sex drive, not days what years of damage has done.
    You just Feel more normal.
    3) a week of abstinence is very nice agreement.. However if he's already even looking for ways to skirt that, you should probably relook at the terms there.

    My SO is a year plus PM free.
    Those are his observations.

    And also, my thoughts on the guy commenting previously... Unless he's your SO - we don't jump onto threads and talk to each other like that. It's harassment.
    Please let us know.
    There is already a mod in this thread.
    It's not tolerated within the forums.
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  8. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the advice! It's getring hard because H hasn't set out a plan so i feel like he wants me to make the decisions on where to draw the line. I told him after the send nudes incident that i feel uncomfortable making these calls for him, It's not my job to research and set his plan. I want to know his lines so I can help him follow them.

    He started with no P 3 weeks ago, he did M a few times but decided to cut that out 2 weeks ago and the no O started 4 days ago now. So it does seem like his brain is trying to trick him into M. He was successful yesterday in abstaining after I took a break at work and gave him a call with a pep talk. But he still won't sign up here for the support! He is dead set on no P forever, but M&O seems to be more hard for him to figure out what he wants to do with. He says he wants to abstain from M "as long as he can" which isn't really a plan and seems to me like a set up for being able to give in eventually.

    I also find myself feeling way more jealous because of all this. I never had a problem with him telling me other girls look good or even him using P. We even used to people watch together and point out hot girls to each other. But now with all this if he mentions a girl has a nice butt or is pretty i start to feel my blood boil. I wonder what is with this sudden change.
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  9. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    Things are going better than expected. H is now 1 month no P, his anxiety and depression are under control, we were able to start having sex again with no issues, and he is so much more open about his feelings and internal thoughts.

    I am having jealousy issues all the sudden. I have never had a problem with pretty girls being around H but I found myself being hyper aware of girls at the gym when we were there. He confided in me that sometimes he wouldn't get a good workout in because he was distracted by girls in tight workout pants everywhere. Honestly before all this i would even point put the super fit girls or if someone had a great butt or huge boobs. But something changed in me, i haven't let him know I'm having this issue and I'm not sure if I even should tell him.

    He brought up video games today (our biggest marital issue he stopped that at the same time as P) he thought he would be fine to buy destiny 2 (the first destiny literally almost led us to divorce) and "only play sometimes" with his best friend. His video game addiction is so bad he will swear up and down fully believing he only played 30 minutes when it was actually 2 hours. I cried. I told him I'm not his mother and I won't stop him but it makes me fear for our marriage bevause he absolutely will fall into that cycle if he starts that again. He seemed to agree that it was his addiction talking and he will stay away from the games. I pray he does because i can't go through that again.
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I have noticed myself feeling jealous lately as well and I was never like that before. I hate how his addiction has changed me.
    Kahlan_Amnell likes this.
  11. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    It's weird because when he used P I didn't have these issues or feelings. I guess I was a bit in the dark about his addiction though. I always figured it was like once maybe twice a day. Plus it was always crammed down my throat that men HAVE to M to be able to function and It's such a great stress relief.

    Turns out it was more like 3 or 4 times a day and all the way up to 8 in high stress times. I think that shock made me feel bad, especially since we only had sex like once or twice a week but he was M multiple times a day every day to P? To women who look nothing like me? It makes me wonder what does he like, am I even his type? It is weird how this has changed me so much and I wasn't expecting this. I feel so insecure.
  12. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    I have been turned down 3 times this week and It's starting to make me not want to ask. All 3 times I brought it up earlier in the day, we talked about it, got excited for it, and when it came down to it (after kiddo was in bed) he wasn't in the mood

    So now It's been 6 days of being ready and not getting anything in the end. He says he's not M and he sure is ready during the day while I'm at work or our kid is awake but every time we have the time he's too tired or not in the mood anymore. My feelings are super hurt and I'm in a bad way sexually. Idk what to do but I'm starting to get afraid of being turned down. And I'm not really wanting to give affection more than short kisses because I don't want to get myself in the mood to be turned down again...
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

    Perhaps back off a little. Men will start chasing if the woman isn't chasing them.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. Kahlan_Amnell

    Kahlan_Amnell Fapstronaut

    He's never been one to initiate. If I don't try we can go up to a couple weeks without. But his feelings are hurt because I'm not trying
  15. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    How assertive are you about it when the time comes that you can actually get busy?
  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @Kahlan_Amnell This sounds EXACTLY like my husband and the way he used to be. I don't know what changed besides me telling him that his rejection (constant rejection) hurt so much that I wasn't going to initiate anymore and that if he wants sex he cam initiate. He initiates every time now becuase I am still trying to gain back my confidence (and being 30 weeks pregnant doesn't help with that). Have you expressed how hurt you are by his rejections?

    I told my husband that he was the first guy to sexually reject me (constantly) and that it really made me feel less confident and that I was tired of asking or initiating and getting turned down. I said until I gain my confidence back, I would appreciate if he would initiate sex, and also not tease me if sex wasn't happening because there would be times where I thought he was in the mood, I'd go with it, and he would stop and start doing something else.
  17. My wife is very similar, i thought it was just a female thing. She says, " Just let me know if you want it."
    She gets mad when i say, "Can we have sex?"
    So I have to figure out other ways to hint at it. But then the answer is more vague. Its a real pain.
    For the record I NEVER turn her down. Even if I'm not in the mood i do it for her and i don't let her know.
    noexcuses likes this.
  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I do the same for the hubs.
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

    My experience comes from the other side. I heard, "No," so many times that I gave up. The best that I could hope for was a, "Do you still feel like . . . ?" an hour or few later. I made it a point to never refuse, and I tried to be aware of surrounding reality before proposing anything. After years of frustration, I read that some victims of child abuse need to be in control to the point of being the one to propose any sexual activity. For a while that worked better. The frequency didn't increase, but the atmosphere did as I quit pushing. Then they responded like the posts here that they should not have to do all the initiating, which I do not disagree with, but again my occasional attempts at initiating rarely went anywhere. Then came a confession that they really did not have any interest in sexual relations, and I should take care of myself. That led to a descent into PMO for the record books. Thankfully I found NoFap. After a solid reboot, a couple of weeks ago, I finally laid out my trail through PMO and NoFap. We were more affectionate, and, last Sunday, they proposed doing something together. As we moved beyond kissing and touching, they would accept no genital stimulation from me, but I accepted an amazing manual O. Maybe tomorrow I can do something for her.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. I can totally relate!

    And I agree w @Dr_prof but then men also say that it's nice when the woman initiates so really can't win...

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