First Post - 30 days into NoFap - Gamma's story...

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by GammaF, Oct 2, 2019.

  1. GammaF

    GammaF New Fapstronaut

    Dear members,

    I would like to share my story with all of you, and I hope that someone will find it helpful and encouraging to start your NoFap journey - it's definitely worth it!

    About me:
    I'm a 29 years old healthy individual. Always positive and with a smile on my face. I have a foot fetish, which I believe started when I was 5 or 6 in kindergarten. The fetish is not porn induced - as far as my memory reaches, I believe my first masturbation to porn was at the age of 7-9 to a VHS (remember those?) movie in which there was a foot fetish scene. It wasn't a porn movie - heck, it was a family comedy, but it was filled with lots of feet scenes, so technically, I had fed my brain the first dose of porn at a very young age.
    I used to be addicted for 20-22 years - first the movie scenes, then online stuff when I got access to internet at the age of 13 or 14. What is also interesting about my case is that throughout my whole addiction, I have never masturbated or been aroused to plain old sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Every single masturbation was to foot fetish related porn. Trust me when I say it that my addiction was taking a really bad direction - in my entire life, I have spent thousands of dollars on foot fetish related videos from online merchants. I even ordered 5 or 6 custom made clips with my own scripts from different fetish producers. My best guess about the total amount of money I spent on the foot fetish porn clips during all those years would be between $10,000.00 and $20,000.00. Shocking, isn't it?
    So what happened to me that led to the big decision to quit porn for good, and how did I manage to get to 30 days (today's actually the 32nd day)?

    Short background before NoFap:
    In 2014/15 I thought that my case is so sophisticated, and I have trained my brain for such a long time to foot fetish porn, that the only thing that will get me aroused would be women's feet period, and I have had numerous beautiful women in my life, yet in every single intercourse, my D was dead. I couldn't get it up, and when I did (thinking of feet), it lasted for 5-10 seconds and went flat again. In other words, I have suffered from Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED). Forget about morning woods, sexual thoughts and all that - they didn't exist/happen during my addiction.
    I started doing online research about erectile dysfunction, and this is how I discovered NoFap and Your Brain on Porn in 2014/15. Read the book and gained basic knowledge about porn addiction. I even gave it a try for 7-10 days, and I saw some changes - in 2015, for the first time in my life, I was talking to a woman at a bar, and my did woke up. It wasn't a full erection, but I felt something happening. Also, I got a random boner just by lying next to my now-ex girlfriend (we weren't naked or anything, just lying on a bed and talking), so I thought that maybe my case isn't that hopeless as I used to think. I have failed my recovery though - the urge and need to masturbate to porn was too strong for me to stop, and I got hooked up again.

    My other addictions:
    Weed - it's interesting, but the only reason I started smoking weed (2014) is because of porn. When I was high and watched porn, I saw it from a "different" perspective, and I liked that so much that I got hooked up on weed. One joint every night, fap, and go to sleep.
    Sugar & junk food - oh yes. There was hardly any motivation in my life. Even cooking my own meals or doing groceries felt like a choir to me. I was eating tons of crap, including chocolate, chips, candy, fast food, you name it. Not to mention the munchies after smoking weed that made me eat even more.
    Caffeine - not coffee, not tea, but coca cola. I was drinking 2-4L coca cola every day for years.

    In other words, my diet was a big mess. Working 45-55 hours/week, constantly being on the sugar & caffeine high (coca cola), 1-2 meals throughout the day (junk food), followed by a joint of weed at night, fapping to porn, eating more crap (munchies), and sleep.

    I know, I know - after spending your time reading all this, you want to know how did I change my life? I'm a start writing now. Bare with me...

    I have tried quitting sugar, soda, junk food and porn before, but each time, I have failed. THIS IS WHAT TRULY CHANGED MY LIFE:

    I went to a spiritual healer (not a psychologist), who happens to be one of my closest family members. She works with energies, and there is nothing more powerful than that. After a few sessions, I started opening up emotionally, and could see some positive changes. One particular session in February this year changed everything - we have discovered that the reason for my previous addictions was anger. During our work, at one point the whole anger overwhelmed my whole body and mind, and I wanted to punch the wall with my bare hand so hard that I would have pierced it through had I done it (I haven't by the way). I allowed that anger go through me. What happened in the following weeks? Every aspect of my life has improved - I became extremely calm, patient, more emotional. Yes, I was still eating junk food, drinking coca cola, smoking weed and watching porn, but it felt different. It felt more like a habit than the need to do those activities.

    At the end of July this year, I have moved to a different country. I have done a sugar detox, caffeine detox, junk food detox, weed detox. I stopped drinking alcohol completely - never had issue with booze, but I felt like eliminating that could be beneficial. Now, I drink 2-3 bottles of alcohol-free beer per week. I have fixed my diet - eating very healthy now. What's surprising is that, having tried and failed numerous times before, now all those detoxes were very easy.

    On September 1st 2019 I thought that I was doing very well, so I decided that it's time to quit porn for good. Today is October 1st, and I have been porn free for 32 days, for the first time in my life! No girlfriend, no random sex, plain old Hard-Mode. I have deleted all porn from my laptop, including the custom made clips that I've mentioned before. No regrets. Here's a weekly update of how I felt during my porn-free journey:

    Week 1.
    I have felt a huge increase in my energy levels. I felt like I could move mountains with my bare hands. My skin became clearer, my hair became thicker and full of life (it was already good before NoFap, but now it's amazing!), my eyes look sharper and they look as if there was a "spark" in them. My motivation skyrocketed - cleaning my apartment, cooking, shopping, my job became pleasurable activities. I started feeling "connected" to the world and felt "living the moment" if you know what I mean. Yes, I had urges to watch porn again, but they were minor and easy to control. My morning woods returned - around day 4 or 5 I woke up with an erection. It wasn't a full, rock-hard one, but they returned, so I knew that I was doing the right thing! The morning woods appeared every single day, including today (week 5).

    Week 2.
    This week was interesting - my brain started playing tricks on me. My dreams became vivid, and I could remember them very clearly. Some of them were so sexual and related to my fetish. It felt like my brain was saying: "Ok, you stopped watching your fetish videos, so I will make you watch them in your dreams". Obviously, I didn't give in and kept going with my streak.
    I've bought a piano during this week, and decided to learn to play it. Found a wonderful teacher, and I take lessons weekly. I felt very happy and joyful during most of week 2, and then bam! On day 9 lethargy gotten me. I've never felt that tired before in my life - it wasn't the body fatigue, but the mind, and where the mind goes the body follows. I woke up full of energy and few hours later I was drained. Even the joy of buying my piano disappeared - I felt terrible. I took a 4-hour long nap.
    Day 10 felt great again, and guess what happened during day 11? LETHARGY again, so what did I do this time? I asked myself: "I've done all the detoxes, fixed my diet, I sleep normally now (7-9 hours/day). Why would I feel lethargic out of the blue?" Came up with a conclusion that, obviously, it must have been related to my porn addiction. And what did I do with all this lethargy? I embraced it! If that's what it takes for me and my brain to get rid of this ugly addiction, then I'm more than happy to feel tired. Plus, it was another sign that I was healing.
    Additionally, during week 2, I realized that fantasy thoughts became more frequent, and what did I do with them? I didn't block them, because as human beings, we need thought and emotion. I decided not to focus on them. I let them come, and go. Some lasted for 5 seconds, some for 30 seconds, but I didn't put any effort to forcefully get rid of them. Let them come, let them go.

    Week 3.
    I felt fantastic. The benefits started feeling amazing to me. This week, my connection to the world became even more solid. Urges to watch porn were slowly fading away. I realized that my voice pitch has gotten deeper and more masculine. My memory is 10x better than what it used to be. My social skills became very sharp. I could talk with anyone about anything and have a genuine response within a split second.
    I felt lethargic again during day 19, but I simply embraced it once more.
    Yes, I was still getting fantasy thoughts, but to not as strong as in week 2.

    Week 4.
    All the benefits that I've mentioned before felt even better. What interested me is that day 27 and 28 brought lethargy again, but this time it was different. Unlike in previous weeks, where I got up bed with ease and felt lethargic a few hours into the day, this time I felt like I couldn't get off the bed, and wanted to sleep more. Furthermore, the 28th day felt like something was stuck in my brain (brain fog?) This time the fatigue was strong, but once more, I embraced it - "If that's what it takes for me to heal, let it happen".
    I've also experienced more pressure in my testicles (blue balls symptom?), but it's not painful at all. In fact, it feels good to me.
    Still some fantasies - "let them come and go".

    That's pretty much my journey so far.
    I'm in week 5 now, but I decided to write my second update when it's day 60. I've also decided not to make a list of benefits I'm experiencing as they were mentioned on this forum so many times - it would just be a repetition. Unless, you'd like that, then sure.

    This post is very long, and I have so much more to tell you. To keep it shorter, I'm going to write a 2nd post here after this one. I would like to give you advice on what has been helping me during my recovery, and I will happily answer any questions that you might have.
  2. Spartan Shibz

    Spartan Shibz Fapstronaut

    Very well done bro! You're making great strides in your life. Keep it up!

    Also you should post this in the success stories :)
    alexg1709 likes this.
  3. GammaF

    GammaF New Fapstronaut

    Hi again,

    As mentioned before, I offer you my advice as I believe it might help some of you.

    I believe your approach towards porn addiction plays a very important role in overcoming it. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad. It's a normal thing, and the fact that you're part of this community is already the first step in your recovery.
    Everything happens for a reason, including addiction to porn. Perhaps your addiction has saved you from a very toxic relationship that you would have ended in if you weren't addicted? Or maybe your mission is to understand it at a very high level, so one day you can overcome it and help other man, like Gary Wilson, the author of "Your Brain on Porn"? It's different for everyone. Also, think about the knowledge you'll gain after you recover - you can protect your children from porn one day!

    Find out what is good for you! At the very beginning (week 1), I found reading daily reports to be helpful, but towards the end of week 2, I didn't really feel the need to read "NoFap Day 15", "Day 16", Day 17", unless I was looking for something specific like the lethargy I experienced, so I googled "NoFap lethargy".

    I didn't invest too much energy into thinking "What's going to happen on week 2,3, etc." In fact, I didn't have any expectations. I focused on the process, not the result - just let the process happen in the background of my daily routine. If reading daily reports helps you then do so, but if it doesn't, don't. Some people find it helpful to have a NoFap calendar, ticking each day off during their streak. I didn't - the only reason I know which day I'm on is because I started on September 1st, so it's an easy count, but if a calendar helps you, go for it. Find out what's helpful for you, and modify if you feel like it as you go on.

    Don't compare yourself to others. If someone's recovered after 2 years, it doesn't mean it'll be the same for you. If someone's feeling lethargic during reboot, you might or might not. This is highly individual, and there is no golden recipe for all.

    If you're feeling lethargic during your recovery (my case), depressed, sad, empty or whatever negative emotion, you name it, don't focus on it and embrace it! If you weren't feeling them before or not as much as you are during NoFap, what does it mean? Your brain, mind and body are healing, which is a good thing. I know it can be hard - literally at any moment, we are 2 or 3 clicks away from porn, yet learn those emotions. Don't block them - let them go through you. It will get better.

    That's a big one. I meditate everyday, and started on September 1st as well. I don't do it for hours. In fact, the first week I focused on breathing through the diaphragm properly (and it wasn't easy for me), any my sessions lasted for 5 min only, but as the days passed, the length of my meditations increased, including the quality. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't expect too much too soon. Be patient, and it'll be better, trust me.

    So many people I meet have a misunderstanding about meditating. If you're not sure yourself, this monk nails it in my opinion in this 2 minute long video.

    I do them twice a day - before I get out of bed, and before sleep, 15 times for each one, and my last affirmation is to be a porn free person. If you don't know what they are, simple google it. I believe it will give you a better and more professional answer than me here.

    Addictive substances:
    If you read my 1st post, you know I used to be hooked up to weed, caffeine, sugar. As mentioned before, porn is the only reason I started smoking weed, so would eliminating weed help me with my porn addiction? Perhaps, but I did it the other way around. I eliminated porn, so there is completely no need for me to smoke weed anymore. This time, I would find out what is bad for you. For instance, if you believe alcohol makes you more likely to relapse, either reduce its intake or eliminate it completely. You get the idea.

    Trying out new things:
    I guarantee you that as the weeks pass, you will have more time on your hands and your energy & motivation will feel as if they are endless. Don't be afraid to try new things. I bought a piano, and fell in love with it - I used to sing before, but it wasn't for me. I used to learn how to play guitar, but it wasn't my instrument. You might find something you truly like, even as simple as cooking.

    Last but not least - don't do NoFap for anyone. Not your girlfriend, not your wife, not to get them girls. Do it for yourself. They will appreciate it anyways.

    I'm happy to answer any questions concerning anything related to my posts, and I wish you all a wonderful day!
    Buddhabro, Malakas and Spartan Shibz like this.
  4. Spartan Shibz

    Spartan Shibz Fapstronaut

    I can relate to many of the points. My longest streak is 17 days. In week two, I had dreams connected to fantasies and ex gf's. I'd always wake up with sexual urges. I was constantly aroused in the day but this time it was real women in real life scenarios that triggered me. I'd drift off into fantasy but I'd bring myself to the present moment whenever I caught myself. I stopped fantasising about porn, porn flash backs stopped. A clear sign that my brain was healing. But it was replaced by a raging demon of a libido! LOL.
  5. Malakas

    Malakas Fapstronaut

    Man this is very motivational for me to read. I like your approach when facing difficult times: 'Well if this is what it takes to get healed, let it be!'' I will try to say this to myself as well in the difficult times. Greets
  6. You are greatly motivating me and others through this post. It's my 10th day, feeling quite lethargic but really good at the same time. I can relate to 80% of your benefits even from the week 2 I'm in, and can't wait to let time improve things even further. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and taking your time for it! Have a great rest of the healing! Following to the next update on your 60th day.

Share This Page