First post and it's a book :(

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bel, May 1, 2017.

  1. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    ****I am cross posting this bc I didn't realize there was this section in my mad fury of typing this out last night*****
    Well this is my first post. I've stalked the forum as an s.o. to try and learn and understand porn addiction as much as I could. Literally it's a world I never knew existed in the sense that I never really believed it was truly an addiction or something someone, i.e. my bf couldn't stop if he really truly wanted too.
    I've been with him a little over 4 years, and honestly as much as I love him I've grown to hate him just as much. From the beginning I've always suspected porn. Most times sex was turned into a marathon of pain for me while he just humped away chasing what ever fantasis were playing on in his head. I questioned him so much , I'm not new to the block as far as sex, but this was the first time a guy made me feel more like an abuse victim than a partner. He would be in the bathroom showering and bathing for 2 hours plus on any given night....this was super strange to me too. It took 2 years in to actually confirm it. He even had the audacity to send a video of him mo-ing to porn that I could clearly hear in the background , but as was the case 1000 times I felt like I was crazy bc he told me no babe that's our video .....blah blah blah....yeah we made a video shoot me now, I never felt bad about it until after discovery after discovery of lie upon lie.
    So in 4 years I've tried to get away from him . Honestly I could be friends with him bc other than this porn addiction bs he's an awesome guy. The total package, smart,sexy, kind. The emotional and intellectual connection is boggling to my mind. I've dated a lot of guys and I was engaged 3 separate times and never had I found someone who not only was hot but so f-ing intelligent. As well as someone so f-ing adept at lying to my face and covering his tracks either.
    So I could literally write a litany of grievances about what has gone on, but I'm going to just jump in with this last one bc my head is spinning out of control. He joined this forum a few months ago and posted a few nice blah blah blah I'm doing this and that but all of it was basically bs. I bought it once again like a complete f-ing moron. He suffered p.i.e.d, and through half assing his way through a reboot and hiding his acts that actually started to go away some. Not completely but close. And I was estactic , he was really doing something.....yeah he was still finding porn and ways around Qustodio app to feebly attempt porn sites like using Facebook as a sub and to get past the porn filter by clicking links from within fb. (That was a really shitty discovery to make, I mean I read many guys used fb as a psub and accessed porn but I never thought it was able to be undetected . So next up the Spin browser. Worthless shit. He unknown to me created a fake fb account and continued on his merry way to she male, pegging, rape, and cuckold porn. I've actually sort of accepted via online stories of how you start at "normal" porn and then shoot through the ranks until you start questioning your sexuality. Ok that's totally believable when someone can't wake up , take a nap, or go to bed with out pmo . That's hours and hours every day for the last 12 years for him. So....fast forward to the latest acoutrement, I discover once gain he's lied , he's pmo-ing, and low and behold we have fake Gmail accounts set up in which we are now going on craigslist and sending out naked pics to whomever (even better basically showing all of himself including his face which I thought was beyond ridiculous when you are sending this to ppl you have no idea who they are and are presumably local!) As well as graphic and beyond the most explicit emails to them off Craigslist looking to get screwed anally blow random guys. I mean wtf??!! This is where the rest of my world just dropped out. There were probably hundreds of emails exchanged with these ppl. Mostly guys some women I guess, I don't know I couldn't read all of them without wanting to throw up or kill him. I confronted this newest swath of lies and he looks me in the face with his now confused sexual identity crisis take. I think I could be gay or bi he says..... that's fine isay but don't go meeting these nasty ppl and then come back to my face being all I am the only one you want bs. Half my family is gay , I'm down with that, I'd be fine with that but hell no am I having sex with that or a relationship. I mean blowing guys off Craigslist....disease d'jour , no f-ing thanks. He literally is beyond gullible thinking these ppl soliciting sex on a free ad website are clean.....I mean shit is he crazy too and I'm missing that whole factor????!!!! So longer story short I blow up say go be gay ,bi wtf ever , but just get out of my life I'm done with the constant lying and now putting my life in danger of an std or worse. To all of that HE CLAIMS he never acted on it but when he's putting reality into his so called sexts/emails like I can't meet u on this day bc my gf is coming to town , I feel like he is full of bs and lying his ass off yet again. This I can't get out of my head, and I'm making him get and std hiv test done this week. He has no issue and ASSURES me he's clean bc he's NEVER ACTED on his gay dominance et al fantasies. But I literally am at my last breaking point.... especially after crying to me that maybe he's gay/bi whatever.....he's now not. I really cannot take this roller-coaster ride from hell anymore. The worst part about all of this, is I love him like no other guy ever. I can't seem to combine porn addict with the facade,which I feel is way too deep to really be a facade, of this awesome freaking guy. In my mind and heart I keep separating them, to forgive the man I love , but the hatred is rising fast and taking over for the lying asshole of an addict. Literally it's not like a million times I told him fly be free let's be friends. ...and he still interjects his lies in and I am back on the fast train to believing all the bs all over again. It is a vicious cycle on repeat that I'm sick of. So now that I've thrown all that out there, am I completely insane to let him back with me. If his std test is clean I will believe him bc honestly I feel like he'd been raped or killed by now with the shit he was talking with some of those ppl from craigslist. I guess I want the addict opinion bc I need something to hold on to if I am supposed to keep holding on. Or do I have to get him out of my life completely. Where is the end and when is enough trying to hold us together a complete waste of time and life??!!! Also what about those of you who are going through this as an so or hopefully maybe an ex so???!!! I feel like I'm mentally just shot.
     
  2. Big Owl

    Big Owl Fapstronaut

    42
    62
    18
    There are addicts and there are addicts. After hitting rock bottom, some of them change their lives drastically which is the only way to stop this addicition. Sadly I know, since I combatted this addiction succesfully. An addict, while being addicted and while not actively completely changing his/her lifestyle, most of the time simply cannot be trusted. He is obviously bullshitting you around and playing with your health. You do not deserve all this crap. Get the hell out.
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,021
    3,173
    143
    Welcome to the forum. You are among people who have been on both sides of what you are describing. Everyone has their breaking point and obviously you reached yours. Often, when an addict starts acting out in the real world then that's the line the SO cannot tolerate or forgive.

    Some couples have made their way back... others haven't. It really depends on how much progress the addict makes and how hard he decides to work on the relationship. Also, it takes a strong woman to work through all the injuries that have been heaped upon them. After discovering just how depraved their husbands have acted they can be viewed as spoiled meat and it becomes impossible to see them any other way. Other SO's have developed PTSD after discovering all the lies and betrayals that have stretched back for years/decades.

    A lot of it boils down to trust. Can you ever trust him again? Right now he has given you no reason to trust him. It's natural to feel unsafe and insecure around him. It's the addict's responsibility to clean up his act and start being honest and transparent in all his dealings. Only by taking concrete actions can he start to rebuild trust with you. Also, the fact that each addiction has a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde side to themselves also creates a conflict in the SO.... meaning there are things to love and things to hate and the decision to stay or leave is muddled.

    Remember that you are in no rush to make a decision. You have no obligation or responsibility to stick around while he fixes himself. Only you can decide if you have had enough. You have been hurt and need help fixing your own wounds. You can leave at any time. Hopefully you have given him a rock bottom moment that is so devastating to him that he decides to get serious about his recovery. I think how he responds to this moment will give you the answers you're looking for. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an untreated addict. The status quo cannot continue. Obviously, something has to change soon. You have experienced too much pain and you need some relief. I hope you find the answers, advice, and support you need to get through this very difficult time in your life.
     
    Loleekins, LizzyBlanca and Bel like this.
  4. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    416
    779
    93
  5. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    My mind says exactly what you've stated and yet my heart keeps overriding common sense. I'm just torn bc I honestly don't know if staying is wrong or vice versa. I want to understand and help, and he says he has not been with anyone, but he's buried me in so many lies already. But then he's good to go get a blood test with no problem bc he says its been written exploration ......idfk up from down anymore with him. But I also know I'm all he's got. No one knows his complete history except me....and well as I constantly keep finding out I don't even have it all yet either .
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  6. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    Thank you for your thoughts. Honestly if he wasn't so forthright in saying he's down to get tested I'd have told him to go straight to hell. He says it's all been sexting and when it started to get too close to actually meeting someone he freaks out. He's agreed to seeing a therapist to help and honestly I cannot shake that when he was a kid there wasn't some trauma that spiraled into a myriad of chemical and porn addictions. It's frustrating bc he's beat the other addictions, probably bc he knows I'll test him randomly but since there's no concrete test for porn consumption other than inference I'm screwed there . I was needing advice from fellow porn users, bc I don't want to judge him and not fight. But it's just figuring out when I need to drop the fight bc it's useless.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  7. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    If it were just as easy to do as I can say. It sucks. It really does.
     
  8. Loleekins

    Loleekins New Fapstronaut

    4
    10
    3
    The fight needs dropping and it becomes useless when there is no honesty on his part. Without total honesty from him, it's an effort in futility.

    Check your inbox. :)
     
    SOSo, Bel, fuzzywaz and 1 other person like this.
  9. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

    537
    1,005
    123
    I am not an addict, and I know that's the opinion you desire, which is wise.

    The one question I have for you (to ask yourself) is --- has he reached a true rock bottom? That's key for an addict to want to recover.
     
    Atlanticus and Bel like this.
  10. Big Owl

    Big Owl Fapstronaut

    42
    62
    18
    This is emotion over ratio. I'm sure you want the best for him. But it looks like he made up his mind on what he thinks is best for him and I'm sorry to say it isn't you. If you truely want to help him, choose for yourself. You cannot be dragged down with him. It could even trigger a rock bottom moment for him and create a foundation for recovery. Bottom line for you is to not let it effect your life in the same destructive way he is handling his own. Get the hell out. You got this!
     
    Buzz Lightyear likes this.
  11. Dayanew

    Dayanew Fapstronaut

    29
    79
    18
    (I apologize in advance for the novel)

    I am an S.O. of a P.A. myself. While I cannot say that I am in the same emotional situation as you are with my current P.A. bf, I was in the past with the father of my children. I didnt know about sex addiction when we were together because I grew up pretty sheltered and was a virgin and had never even kissed anyone when we started dating when I was 18. I thought it was normal for guys to just walk around wanting sex all the time, basically unable to control themselves and would have interests/fetishes that were degrading, taboo, dangerous or unhealthy. I was very naïve. He eventually begin using drugs and alcohol along with sex to help him experience more pleasure. After alcohol alone didnt work, he began little by little to combine and experiment with different drugs in the mix to find what combo would induce the best feelings. He couldnt even get an erection while on the drugs but he could no longer feel any feelings of sexual arousal if/when he wasnt using drugs. Eventually he became a full blown drug addict once he could no longer get any pleasure response from sex and only could with drugs. I didnt know or realize for years and allowed myself to be degraded by him. I also experienced the episodes of marathon sex where I would be laying there while he would try for 3, 4, 5+ hours to O before he was finally able to and I would be in pain and unable to even urinate, wash my genitals or wipe after urinating for days on end without horrible pain and stinging due to the severe friction burns. I even had a scare at the GYN when I went in for a routine physical and she thought I had an std due to the tender, swelling, raw tissue and extreme friction burn that had literally torn my skin open and looked like a partially scabbed open sore at the entrance. I had to wait for a week, completely stressed out that I had an std before finding out I was clean and she wasnt sure what was going on down there since I said it had mostly healed by then. Thats when I realized it was due to his marathon sessions of using me, which he had done just 1 day before that appt. As his drug use became worse and our sexual relationship dwindled, our relationship problems intensified. His drug use ended up killing him a few years later. He had always felt like my soul mate. He understood me like no one ever had before. I could talk to him about anything and he truly listened to me and shared his own secrets, fears, etc. He was like the best friend everyone hopes to have. He would be so perfect, thoughtful, kind, everything anyone would ever want in a partner when times were good. When they were bad, it was beyond anyones worst nightmare. And it always bounced back and forth between the two extremes with little time of just calm, smooth sailing mixed in. Over the 7 years we were together, I think we only would ever have a few weeks, maybe 2 or 3 months at the most where our relarionship was on an even keel and didnt have that emotional rollercoaster going on. I would constantly leave him before coming back to him. Everyone got sick of our on again off again relationship. It was hard to stay away entirely because he really was so easy to be friends with. Eventually after beginning therapy, I realized I was addicted to him and the abusive toxic relationship we had. Whenever things were going well, it was so amazing and made me so happy and feel so loved, completed and like we could conquer the world together that even the crushing depression, anxiety, insane behaviors of his or my own self mutilation over beinf unable to cope when things were bad seemed worth it somehow in my mind if I knew that once I got through that multiple weeks long miserable cycle with him then he would quit again for a bit, things would be good again and I could get my next "fix" of feeling euphorically happy again. Even knowing I was addicted to the toxic cycle and abusive relationship didn't help me stay away though. I would always ask myself "when is enough, enough to make me finally walk away for good? " i would draw a line in my mind, he would cross it, I still wouldn't stay away. I asked everyone for advice on how to know when to go and when I would know I was finally done. Finally after many, many months of intense feelings to go and questioning myself on what was right and what was wrong daily, I had the answer. Nothing specific happened. He didn't cross any imaginary line in my mind or say something, no one gave me the right answer, none of that. I just woke up one day and felt like I was done. It wasn't emotional or climactic at all. Just very calm, almost clinical feeling of "ok, that was that. It is what it is and I'm not doing it anymore." I didnt feel overly emotional in any way. I told him, I packed my stuff and I left. He was a mess. Just a spiraling, suicidal mess but at that point I had already been through so much I guess that it just didnt affect me. I felt bad for him but I didn't actually feel bad. It was just an absence of emotion. I was done. He used me all up and I had literally nothing left to give. That's what people mean when they say "you just know" when you've had enough and are done. You wont question it. From what you wrote, it sounds like you are on your way to being done but arent quite there yet. You still have hope, even the tiniest bit that he's gonna magically get better and everything will 'go back to that one time when... '. And that's totally normal to feel and to want. Might not be realistic or rational but you already know that I'm sure. Could you leave him and stay away with your current feelings and questions? Yes. Would you always wonder what if I had stayed? Yes, most likely. That is the only real difference in leaving for good when you know in your gut you are done vs not being sure. You never wonder "what if", you know it would not have made a difference had you stayed. Because at that point, you no longer existed to the person anyhow. Who and what you loved is gone and may never come back. You are completely invisible and they will only even notice your absence for the few moments that they are filled with anxiety when they cant get that dopamine rush theyre craving, but it isnt even you they really want or miss. It could be anyone. It is a habit for them to go to you when they are upset so they will look for you first but if someone else is there before you then that person will do. You are nothing more in the addicts life than a bookmark being placed in between the chapters of using. You are completely useless for anything else and easily replaced in his current state. It hurts and it sucks but that's how addiction works no matter what the 'drug' is. I think the very best thing you can do for yourself is to get into therapy immediately. A therapist that has experience with all types of addictions or partners of addicts would be best but realistically, most people that go into therapy have addictions or someone in their life who does nowadays that Im sure all therapists have experience with it. At the very least, join a support group for partners of addicts. Even just an online support group would be beneficial. Talking with only those individuals that are going through the same thing as you currently or who have gone through it, helps tremendously. Whatever decision you make, make sure you are making it yourself and for yourself. You only have this little bit of time to live your life and you need to make your decisions for and about it based on yourself and how you want to remember it being spent when you are at the end. It may come sooner than you planned.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2017
  12. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    Dayanew, your book was awesome. I've had other moments in my life where the breaking point does indeed just happen and it almost feels like being held underwater just before you think you are out of air something shoves you to the surface and you can breathe again. I guess I've lost sleep even thinking why in the hell it's taking me this long with him. I do feel I'm changing internally bc the first discoveries were ground shaking, the subsequent ones still hurt but literally a little voice in the back of my head says it's definitely not all that surprising given the past acts. And I find that heart ache becoming much less. Literally out of 3 fiances, and a dozen decently serious bf's in the past I do actually like my bf and he'd be the first one I can see being just friends with after the "relationship". In essence I wish he wasn't such a likable asshole. I've gone to a psychiatrist bc at first it felt like I was losing my mind and the Dr wouldn't even prescribe me antidepressants bc he said I needed more about developing life strategies to deal with toxic relationships. I enjoyed going to my Dr but after awhile it sank in I wasn't losing my mind I had just lost my confidence in my own self.
    Add to the fact that he has tried to put in an effort towards sobriety. Since being with me he's successfully kicked a pill, alcohol, and 8 can a day dip habit. He readily admits the porn is much worse than he ever thought bc he can't shake loose like he thought. Though this latest go round of having a side email account to surf craigslist and the post porn "I think I might be gay or bi" proclamations have been a little bit more than even I was prepared for .
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  13. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    So things I've realized or things that have happened in the past few days.

    -bf went and got STD testing quite readily and still contends his CL sexting was just online, never irl
    -bf has consistently posted on here and not just bs posts. He's reading and discussing everything much more openly.
    -I've stopped with thinking I need to walk on egg shells around him. I will support him this last time, but I will be damned if I'm going to put his feelings above mine. I.e. watch my words in case I upset him and he wants to relapse. If he does he does , I'm pretty much out the door now. If he doesn't I'll come back in .....slowly and apprehensively.
    -bf is committed to therapy and agrees that I should and can forward her anything I have i.e. my experiences as well as his CL emails so she knows the extent and there will be no sugar coating of any of it.
    - informally I've begun collect information and organizing some data sets in how it particularly relates to my situation and the type of porn/feelings it illicits from its user. In my personal case my bf has had a traumatic sexual situation that happened to him when he was 8 or 9 with another boy the same age. I don't feel like it was the first time and perhaps there's more prior to that at a younger age. Of course that's for him to explore in therapy but across the board, MOST ppl I have met that have a porn path to my bf also have had existing past traumas....connectedness in this variable is something I'm exploring deeper to attempt to understand it all more. Truthfully it's probably the reason that while he's a great guy otherwise, I stick around bc I'm rationalizing an external factor to it all. But even that has worn thin.

    So that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've literally poured hours into reading here and elsewhere. I think it helps tremendously to get it all out for both s.o.'s and addicts.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    Well I flipped out. I could feel it building the past few days. I go from being ecstatic my bf is coming on here and writing posts to reading them or talking to him and listening to him say how hard it is to not jerk off. Literally he has been driving and working non stop and one day he's been up for 24 hours straight and yet the thoughts to pmo are still crossing his mind.
    Then today he can't look at the magazine rack in a store without needing to masturbate. Bc I'm also a glutton for punishment or there's a part of me saying run fucking run, I get bored and scroll through his "secret" fb account....besides a bunch of disgusting fetish searches, I also begin to see ex's, other girls I SAW him leering at irl, but no no no I was the fucking crazy one I'm just seeing shit, random chicks from craigslist....well I think I've met my quota. You know when something finally hits you.....yup it has. DONE.
     
    Buzz Lightyear likes this.
  15. Big Owl

    Big Owl Fapstronaut

    42
    62
    18
    You do not deserve all this crap. Get the hell out. You got this!
     
    Bel likes this.
  16. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

    2,739
    2,910
    143
    Why are you still with this guy?

    Are you addicted to him?
     
    Bel likes this.
  17. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    You know I ask myself that same question all the time. Honestly I don't know the answer because I told myself it's because he is a very nice and kind person but then when he goes into this other side it's something I completely cannot understand or deal with. I basically have been breaking away a little bit at a time just recently and it might be because extenuating circumstances I found it easier to let go then to keep clinging on to the small parts that are good and false hopes in general. I am definitely seeing that his p*** addiction very much makes him a very manipulative type of person. I set out some things that I needed for him to do if this was going to continue further and by him not doing them even the most trivial things in this case, are leading to the demise of the relationship.
     
  18. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    244
    399
    63
    Well I thought maybe I should update this since it's been a while. My PASO did go and have the blood tests done and he came back clean. So at this point I guess I believe he never acted out in real life any of the things he was writing to random strangers on Craigslist. He also has been trying to get a therapist recommended to him but with no luck because everytime he calls to make an appointment he gets a voicemail. I guess that's a sign to move on and try another one but I am relieved to see him actually get frustrated about not getting contacted back. He also has decided not to continue on just a no P & M streak but has decided to go on a 30-day hard mode attempt. It is kind of refreshing that he is actually somewhat into it to see if indeed he can completely accomplish this by himself. He is actually posting quite a bit on here now and using it as a therapeutic remedy, which in turn is somewhat a therapy for me emotionally. I guess we will see where all this is going and hopefully he is able to find a decent therapist to help him address his addiction as well as some childhood potential traumas.
     
    Chris14 and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  19. @Bel,

    My goodness. You surely are the most tolerant and forgiving person I have ever seen.

    Either that, or maybe, possibly you have self destructive thoughts that allow you to carry on with the full knowledge you have had for so long and still come back for more. I know that I mustn't judge others, because I definitely haven't walked in your shoes, I haven't even seen your shoes, so cannot possibly relate, but I think that if the roles were reversed, he would hit the highway so fast, you wouldn't see him for dust! I also think that most women are far more forgiving than most men, and it is usually to your own detriment. That my second wife stuck with me through all the shit I have made, caused and given her is a miracle!

    We are often really stupid, and keep taking the people that hurt us back. I took my ex wife back many times, even though the affairs were done blatantly. Looking back, I know my PMO drove her to them, but at the time I felt like I couldn't live without her. After two years and a nervous breakdown, I finally had enough and insisted she complete the divorce action she had started years before and continually blackmailed me with. I cannot tell you what to do, but for me, once I gave up fighting to save a doomed marriage, and made peace that it was over, everything got easier. Being out of that destructive relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I found out that there is life after divorce. I think the main reason I stayed in the marriage for so long was the fear of failure, and probably because my ex wife approved of, and watched porn with me. Having a partner that actively participates in my PMO, was great, but the destructive effects were greater, and with time were a major influence in destroying the marriage and taking me into a sewer of porn, with many similar kinks that your boyfriend had. I just managed to stop before getting on Craigslist, or of doing the things your man is doing. What may help your uncertainty of what you read up on, is that I also must admit that fantasies are really massively strong, and I felt "driven" to act them out, but when confronted with the reality of having to fulfill the fantasy, it isn't what we believed we wanted, so didn't do it. Then the cycle begins again until you either stop, or possibly go through with it.

    Ask yourself this:

    If you had known about all of his habits, lies, and addictions before you hooked up with him, would you have still got together?

    I won't babble on much more, and end this post by saying that you cannot fix another person, but destroying yourself trying to do it won't help either. Maybe take a break, go somewhere else and give a firm ultimatum that only once he has constantly gone for treatment for a while (don't know how long - a month???) and been completely clean, will you consider getting back with him.

    Look after yourself.

    Wazzbler
     
    Runtilmylegsdropoff and Bel like this.
  20. Quick question...how did you discover he was using fb and had fake gmail acts and Craigslist?
     
    Bel likes this.

Share This Page