First post and it's a book :(

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bel, May 1, 2017.

  1. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Ugh I hate this feeling with entertainment. I was so looking forward to Ghost In The Shell because I used to watch the anime, we tried watching it at my dad's place and I had to leave 15 minutes in because it was one giant p-sub. They put her
    in a skin-tight, flesh colored bodysuit.
    It doesn't even look like the original costume. Wouldn't of even thought twice about this in the past (I look at faces, bodies don't really come into play with me), but now it's completely damaging and I find myself looking at body parts, which disgusts me.
     
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  2. One of the things I hate most is that this situation has made ME objectify women. I never did that before. I was all about faces or just the person as a whole - NOT wandering around for my viewing pleasure. Now I'm constantly on alert for skimpy or tight clothing - the runners are sometimes the worst. Wearing little more than a bikini seems like. I'm sure it's great for aerodynamics but you're killing me over here ladies. I want everyone to be able to get to a place where you can see that and think, wow she's super dedicated and fit. Good for her. Not just mentally start undressing her and contorting her into some perverted fantasy.
     
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  3. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    My friend and I were talking about these very things. She said her husband said ALL men objectify women, it's just whether or not and how much control they have over it. I might believe 70% but come the freak on I have to believe there is at least 30% that aren't doing it. And no I'm not referring to gay men either lol. I really feel that in my life the majority of men that were around me were really good and really decent men. And this was in law enforcement, which at the time was all about manly men. Not saying there were not dogs in that scene, but man I cannot honestly believe in my heart and soul that any of the guys I think back to did what now seems the norm. Ffs it makes me think that living the rest of my years out alone in some cave now seems like the plausible idea. What happened to good decent all around men. Not well he's good here not so good here !!! :(
     
  4. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Well this is looking like the last post here under this for my journey. Hmmmm where to begin....oh where I left off!
    I suppose it's going on 2 weeks after our first post hard mode sex. Won't lie first time was way way way disappointing. We had a few other goes and things were great. Last time was about a week ago.
    Seemed like everything just blew up around the same time. This whole NoFap thing, money stresses, ex stresses, it all just poured down on me . I'll admit it I can be a complete asshole. And probably did end up taking a lot out on my PA. Well I guess he is now ex PA......
    He just got really weird. He would literally do anything and everything to avoid me after we had sex and some ridiculous fight. So I started doing it back to him. The tension was thick and honestly
    I cannot tell you why. He seems not to be able to tell me why. We still live together, sleep in the same bed, but he has ruled out sex bc it just messed everything up.
    Part of me is Ok, this is bullshit.....he kept the pressure on all during the reboot, I was the one stopping him. Then 2 weeks post reboot he's now in a place that he's my FRIEND who loves me but just can't have sex bc it makes everything bad. We do have a toxic codependency on one another. Still do even in this friend mode he's decided to apply.
    I'm angry and hurt. I feel like I got used yet again. Like I fucking got him here and now he says I cause too much stress for him. I feel like he just isn't in to me without the porn ORRRRRRRR there is someone else on the radar and he wants to attempt a relationship unclouded by pmo. My third thought process is he is tired of the fighting and has returned to at least the MO part of things and having sex will be the evidence that he has bc his ejaculations become like water instead of the normal viscosity of someone not spilling out all the time. I just don't believe all of a sudden the person who couldn't live without sex all of a sudden can. Fighting or no fighting. It's just not making sense to me.
    In 2 weeks many of my stressors have subsided greatly. Now this new found I love you but no sex stance to make the stress want to rise up again . I don't know what the hell I really want. I do love him but there are a lot of flaws I can't always see past. I feel like being friends is going to be harder than I thought. Mostly bc I think he's still not being honest. I don't want friends who lie.
    None of this makes sense. I want physical contact and it's looking like it's not going to happen here. Maybe that's best. It's just so fucking hard when you are going to be seeing so much of someone that can hurt you with a simple action or word.
    Idk what to do. I've had a few ppl show interest in me, and I don't know if I want to dive in to something just yet or not. I won't lie. I love sex, good sex that is. I'm just pissed that finally when I get within arms length of it I get iced out on that front.
    Does this all sound like bullshit? Am I too fucking dumb? Did the porn drive his attraction to me? Is it possible to flatline in this phase?
    We have had a comfortable time together the past few days. No fighting all is calm, even in my rejection by him. Bc I honestly do not know what to think and I don't know what or if to believe him either.
    My friends all say he needs to go from my life. Enough is enough. Especially after he seems to be sliding back into old habits (alcohol) and picking up new potentially addictive ones like gambling. All of which he says he's in control of. The addictive mind is always in control isn't it :(
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You can't be "in control of" addictions.
    I'm sorry Bel.
    Truly.
    This sounds horrible.
    And Flatline wouldn't just be no interest, from what I know it's no arousal... And you didn't discribe that.
    I don't think it's Flatline.
    Maybe swapping the addictions?
    But I can't say and I don't want to in the same headspace because I don't think any answers will offer any comfort.
    I don't think there are rationals here.
    He's unwilling to work with you.
    He's unwilling to help.
    It doesn't matter what the reason is, that is the point that matters imo.
    You can't help someone who doesn't want it.
    Only yourself.
    You are so strong.
    What you allow, will continue.
    It's all on whatever you want.
    All of us here at NoFap, will support you.
    *big Hugs*
     
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  6. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Thank you @Kenzi !!! I do know inside a lot of what you said. It's just not clear cut enough to really drive it home to myself. Like flat out tell me you want x y z. He says it is all the fighting and the fact that I don't so politely see me staying with him doing the current job he does. He is leaps and bounds above the intellectual level of most people but imo he quite likes doing a job that ultimately exploits animals for cash. Most of the people in this environment are alcoholics, drug addicts , or both. The language and the way women are viewed I would definitely say PA is huge too. He says he's like the 20% who aren't any of those things but he forgets 90 short days ago he definitely was.
    I feel like it's mind games right now. He's all I want you to sleep next to me and cuddle but kissing is pretty ruled off bc it leads to sex. In a sense I feel like personality #8 has arisen and it's Paul the Apostle, must be chaste.......ugh. It hurts like hell even when I know it's wrong to be snuggled up with someone who is telling you at the same time you're not worthy in a sense. I mean I wouldn't want to be spooning someone I wasn't in to on some level, so I can't wrap my mind around any of it. My one friend says he is just using me as a security blanket. Idk, I can see that too. I just put so much blood , sweat, and tears into this. If he's fucking up I wish he'd just say so and get it done with. We are basically going to be working on the same project for the next 6 months so it's not like I can even avoid it bc other ppl are relying on our participation. I really am just like why the hell could this revelation of his be found at the end of that so then separation would actually occur.
    Fuck, I don't know. I'm going out tonight with friends and will probably run into 1 of the guys I've been talking to casually. Sadly I look at him and think evil I know vs evil I don't know. I'm very attracted to him physically and intellectually, but I was with this PA too and look where that got me. Then I contemplated just using a guy to meet my needs but not letting the attachment take hold. I normally struggle with feelings getting in the way, but after this PA experience I can now shade every guy with it and that's more than enough to keep emotional attachment at bay.
     
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  7. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    What do you feel is best? Are you holding on just for the idea of what it could be ? Do you truly feel like sticking it out waiting for change? Are you happy (in any capacity)? I'm not suggesting throwing what you have away, just asking yourself what it is exactly that you have. Take care of yourself, you really deserve it. :)

    I ask these questions all the time, and despite the PMO and lying, my PA is a genuinely fun, amazing person to be with, and these questions always remind me of that when I'm feeling low.
     
  8. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    So mystery solved there was another chick that arrived on the scene. One with a boyfriend of 9 years and the boyfriends best friend who basically has threatened my PA to stay away or he is probably gonna get the shit kicked out of him.
    This other chick, fuck, I really don't know what to say. I think I'm in shock bc on the quality scale it's definitely a huge downgrade. But she has been around the block , manipulated many weak men and may have just found her new game. He found someone who didn't know or live his past. Who could be easy going and in the moment, laugh and only know the best side of him. Unlike me.
    My PA pissed me off bc I kept asking and he kept lying. I even pretty much knew who it was for a good bit. I get so frustrated when ppl lie repeatedly to my face. I just want the truth when I'm asking for it over and over. So I basically set out to derail this new relationship of his by taking all the info I had been told or obtained on my own and delivered it the boyfriends best friend hoping he would show the bf and she'd get dumped. Only the best friend took matters into his own hands and basically told my pa to stay away or he'd regret the decision not to. So half heartedly we are seeing what's left of us. In moments it's great, the sex is great. We click and have fun
    In other moments with the newest betrayal , my trust or lack there of makes the very angry side arise in me. So it pretty much stalemates forward progress. I think my PA is faking his way through. There is a lot that hangs in the balance for him that I actually have some control over as to how easy or hard his life could become, I can pull the plug on most of it. I sincerely wanted this reboot to work for me , not for some random skank, and it backfired. Or it worked exactly the way it was supposed to. Idk. There are a lot of emotions floating around in my head. Hurt,betrayal,love,lust,mistrust,affection..... in the perfect scenario he and I work through everything and I have that normal guy I've been needing for 5 years. The most likely scenario is that he feels caged bc I have literally micromanage him especially the last 2 years. I still am to an extent. I don't like it. I feel like I just do it and it's keeping my sanity in check until I can come to grips with what will be. Which most likely isn't going to be what I want. This forum makes it hard bc I go back and read his posts, all about how I was so loved and how he wanted to do the reboot not only for himself but with us in mind. I literally also can see where his affections got detoured to an easy remedy in the way he kept his journal and what he wrote.
    I honestly don't know what to feel or think right now. I'm trying to see if we can actually dig up what was good, and go forward. But I'd be lying if I said it's not extremely hard to overcome this latest bullshit. Who knows maybe we would have never gotten together in the first place if not for the PMO addiction.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Is he really messing around on you??
    Like, seriously?
     
  10. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    That's just disgusting. Emotional affair as well on top of messing around or what? Screw that noise.
     
  11. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Very seriously. What I thought was a flat line was him seeking and getting his dopamine rush with another person. From what I've been told it was very easy for him probably bc she's like a door knob, everyone gets a turn at one point or another. So there he found no fighting no conflict....just happy happy good times. I mean how could he not, he's gorgeous, charismatic and comes with no prior history. :(


    Yeah that's probably what hurts the most. His idea is well I'm not the person I was when he met me. I was happy, full of energy and ready for most anything. Mostly bc I thought I had lucked out with him. He was the entire package. I will say I thought he was stronger in his convictions back then. He seems kind of weak in one way to me now bc of that. Like a man who dresses like a soldier but dissappears when battles erupt. My friend says he became a weasel, looking for the easiest way possible. Idk, I wish I didn't love him so much. I just got so caught up in getting through this reboot. It was like waiting for Christmas day for me.....only the only thing I found under the tree was the carnage of what I dreamed about, charred and in pieces.

    Maybe I am just a complete bitch. Maybe I needed to be more sympathetic, I don't know. I think I would have been if it weren't for all the lies. The lies just kept coming at me like daggers I couldn't avoid non fucking stop. I wanted to protect us like a fortress but my walls kept getting bombed from inside the perimeter. I want to engrave Et tu Brute all over me bc I felt like , now am, Julius Caesar. Betrayed by the person I trusted most of all .......yet again .
     
  12. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Are you kidding me? You're not a bitch. He is CHEATING on YOU.
     
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  13. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    @Bel and @Chris14 I am very sorry that you both have had your trust in each other broken. @Bel, if I had found the activity you did in my SO collection I currently would be supporting him as his ex-wife. @Chris14, while I understand where @Bel anger and pain are coming from, I personally do not agree with revenge by pursuing an affair. Watching your stories unfold in each of your journals, it seems to me it would be hard for the two of you to move on from this and continue the relationship.

    It can be done if you really want it, but it's going to require a lot of change on both your parts and a lot of forgiveness. Only you two can decide if that is what you both want.

    Despite what you have put each other through, each of you still deserve only the best for yourself. You each need to decide what that looks like and how you're going to get there. On your own or together.

    Good luck to your future and finding happiness in a relationship for yourselves.
     
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  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    It's all a bunch of bullshit. We know each other's weaknesses and attack them. Chris had been lying to me for 3 years about more than just pmo. A lot more than pmo. I met someone when he went to rehab. Now I know I sound really horrible now....but no. He treated rehab like a joke. A popularity show a step above high school antics. That rehab had so much to offer him, I pleaded with him to take advantage of it all. He said he would and never did. It was all fun and games to him and I told him don't be surprised I move on and lie to him. Only thing I did was lie but I could never move on as we are, or fuck maybe just me , a moth to a fire.
    We are screwed up. This revelation of the other guy has him revved up more back to me . How screwed up is that? We are currently engaging in sex I definitely don't think is helpful to the reboot, if said reboot truly existed in the first place. Unless screwing like rabid weasels from anger , hurt, betrayal and yes even love doesn't hurt the addicts neuro pathways in overdose. Idk. Our story is nothing but a bag of gold and shit.
     
  15. Truthevadesme

    Truthevadesme Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this sounds exactly like my ex and I. Only she did find the strength to leave. Good luck to you both.
     
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  16. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    So it's all weird and beyond ridiculous. The OW is running a bit scared back to her bf bc he's the money train and she really saw Chris as nothing more than a distraction of sorts. Chris reluctantly and slowly I think realized if he was going to move on he could have easily done 1000x better. I don't think he was really wanting to completely move on but just have a distraction of his own that came without real effort and judgement. Idk, only he can answer that.
    Truths are slowly dripping out. It's really fucking hard to trust in this situation, it's not as impossible as I thought but fuck it's hard. For both of us. He destroyed my trust on a daily repeated basis and I showed him I was capable of the same in one fell swoop he never saw coming. I did begin to look for someone bc I wanted out, I wanted away and thought another person was the answer to that, the strength I would need I'd find it there. But even after all the rotten shit I've been through with him and by him, I couldn't step away. It's either absolute love or absolute psychosis. Jury is still out on that. He's all about my phone is my phone and your phone is your phone until one of us want to see it in the presence of the other. I feel both OK about this and enraged, I honestly don't know what my opinion should be. If it were someone else I'd say that mf is still hiding shit.......but since it's me am I being blinded by a supposed fresh approach to it all after 2 years.....
    I don't really understand why is that it feels like I've got him back physically and mentally all bc I wasn't the saint he thought I was. Sometimes I wonder , bc I've seen it especially raise its head in porn gravitations, if he doesn't get a twisted adrenaline rush of being used or screwed over to an extent. I feel like a lot of his sexual preference is either complete domination or complete submission. I just want equal or the domination to peak a bit higher with both of us. Not to completely overlord over one another but just enough.
    It's twisted in my head...I literally feel like physically with him he is my king and I his queen.......until you start mixing in dynamics of which one wields the most power. I see it as flowing all ways, King Arthur/Gwenivere, Catherine the great (me in control more) , Henry the 8th (him in the driver's seat) . Honestly I don't even know how I came to these control personifications.....or why I chose the genre as such bc I'm not really a medieval type of person in any aspect. The interior of my head ....I just don't know or get sometimes....
    I guess the bottom line us I don't know and am not sure of shit right now. Up is down and down is up.
     
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  17. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Just keep swimming :emoji_fish: and try not to drown. You can do this! Best of luck!
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Watch the Mists of Avalon.
    No one is more fucked up midevealy than those bitches.
    You will feel better.
    Get a slushy and some popcorn.
    Have a you night.
    (you deserve it)

    Hugs **
     
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  19. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Annnnnd......here we are fucking yet again....lies lies lies lies and back to porn. Yeah me....I'm such a fucking fool. Lovely to walk in on the REFORMED one and see in the mirror behind him porn pulled up on his phone. Fucking fantastic feeling. Couldn't get better.
     
  20. Hi @Bel,

    I really feel for you. I too have been there, done that. The T-Shirt got worn so much it became a rag, and I had a nervous breakdown. I think that you and your PA seem to be both the poison and the antidote for each other. You need to get out of the cycle of highs and lows, love and hate before it destroys you. If you cannot get the help to change the game you are playing with each other and move into an area of love, trust and understanding, then you must get out before it destroys one or both of you. You are worth so much more than what you are in right now.

    I wish you love, joy health and happiness.

    WAZ.
     
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