First post and it's a book :(

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bel, May 1, 2017.

  1. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    Thank you Waz. Your words are resounding in my head and heart right now. Today it got physical and I am covered in bruises from him. He is drinking excessively, back to the porn habit, and my discovery of it blew it all up. I ran out of the house screaming trying to get away only to be drug back in and thrown to the kitchen floor. My whole back is bruised from the blunt force of how he did it. My friends took pictures of everything. And even as I write this I'm seeing more bruises appear on me.
    I am devastated and broken. I cannot believe he is the monster he became.
    Finally there is an end to this , finally my eyes are wide open.
  2. OMG, @Bel! I hope you are OK and that you get out as soon as possible. Do you have a place to go to? Please, don't stay any longer! Go go go! You need to heal in a SAFE environment, not physical abuse.
    Bel, Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  3. Dear @Bel,

    This has been like watching a horror movie. Please. Please get away and get help. I wish I was there to come take you somewhere safe, but I cannot.

    An aggresive man is bad enough, but one with a porn deluded mind is terrifying. You cannot let this continue.
    Bel, Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @Bel I am so horrified and sad to read what happened to you. Please get to a safe place, and honestly, I am glad you took pictures. If this is the first time he has gotten physical you were very smart to take pictures. Please get to a safe place, and have no contact with him (especially if you desire to actually report this incident- also if u do want to report write down a statement while you remember the details, sorry I go to criminal justice school and know what is helpful to police in these situations). No one deserves abuse, and I am so sorry that this guy has gone so far into his addiction that he has turned violent. Stay safe, take care of yourself. You deserve So much better than this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Bel if you need to PM me, I know Institutions in almost every state for abuse.
    I can see about getting you some help.
    Best of luck.
    Stay safe.
    You are strong.
    Remember that.
  6. @Bel, get out and get to safety. Also take as many pictures as possible and file a police report using them. No one should ever be treated this way. His addiction doesn't excuse him and he should be held accountable under the law for his actions.
  7. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    Honestly I asked for all of this. I was a cop for 15 years...yes you read that right I was the police. It's what is ingrained in me and what led to me finding out all about his many many addictions. But then when it came to shut it all down over and over I shut that part of myself off. I convinced myself that I needed to stop being the detective. To just freaking let go and embrace life, whatever comes. But then what kept coming was almost surreal. Like I just had to stick around to make sure what happened actually happened. I knew and know it was all just excuses, what I cannot explain to you is why. Why I couldn't and didn't get out way back when. So everything that has happened to me through all of this I passively asked for and received.
    I am safe, I am staying with friends who have seen this side of him and tried to tell me to get the f out. Last night my other friend got her eyes opened more bc she could not imagine him in this maniacal role....until he followed me into the house then shut the door in her face and locked her out to trap me inside, except she started banging on the door and I pushed my way by him back out to the door.
    This was after he threw me on the floor, and grabbed and scratched at me (over the phone and me pouring alcohol out) a few hours before. I was ready for him this time, I was not going to be blindsided again, but with a witness I knew there wasn't going to be a this time. Though he did manage to let his true psychopathic colors shine right through. Every hour I look at myself in the mirror and see the bruises growing, the scratch marks staring back at me and I know I will never go near that again. I feel like a pathetic excuse of a woman for sticking through any of it. But no more, no more blind eyes to the monster that I once shared a bed with.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I hear what you're saying ... but no one asks for that.

    I'm glad you're in a safe place. In a really strange way, I'm almost relieved that you have such a clear-cut, obvious reason to end this. You don't have to spend more years of your life watching him with one foot in, one foot out, wondering when things will truly get better, feeling the temptation to leave but not able to bring yourself to it ... no, this is very different.

    You have a lot of people here who are behind you. I'm so sorry to hear about all this, but I'm glad this part of his nature has been exposed.
  9. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Trust me, you didn't miss much. Thoroughly forgettable movie.
    SOSo likes this.
  10. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    Agreed. You didn't deserve any of this. What a bastard.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hope you are well!
    Miss you around here.
  12. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    Well as well can be. Just been crazy busy since all hell broke loose. We ended up getting back together and are still together. He thinks he hit rock bottom after our fiasco. I'm not sure. He definitely seems like he's got things under control for the most part. No alcohol any more. No pressuring me for sex. It just happens when it happens. That was usually the biggest indicator of trouble with porn bc he literally could not control his urges and he'd blow up or sex would be disastrous. So knock on wood all has been ok. I totally do not trust him farther than I can throw him. I probably never will. So who knows .
    I'm scooting over to catch up on your journal now :) and some others ;)
    Kenzi likes this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I finished that one and started another!
    It' good to see you here again :)
    Bel likes this.
  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    I read this journal and if it weren't an absolute tragedy it would be ridiculously funny in the darkest sense. I contemplate writing here but I'm just like why not.
    So like every year it seems, Happy Holidays to me since being with him, I get a gut feeling to check his phone. And lo and behold....his phone is locked down but I mistakenly assumed eBay and Amazon were safe....nope...oh and YouTube he figured out I had the filter on and turned it off. So as usual he dove right back into what psubs he could access. He got sloppy covering his tracks. I got lax looking or giving a shit until one day I was like hmmmm I wonder....wonder why bc there it was.
    I'm so damn tired. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. It's like a constant state of depression that I can't shake. I'm sick of giving chances...which honestly I'm not. I'm just mouthing the words. I don't feel any thing much any more. Just anger and resentment compounded on stress. Like the most fucked up sundae creation of anything bad you can through on top.
    I am under a load of stress from other situations and I just gave up the fight to fight. I mean wyd is it I'm fighting for or over. Porn wins. It wins every single time. It creates gaps that I cannot and don't want to fill. Compounded with all the other bullshit I'm just burnt out. He thinks I'm fine. I guess he can think that . I guess in a way I might be bc I'm just existing. Going through motions. Who knows. So that's where I'm at now. Just existing in my own purgatory great porn purgatory . Has a certain ring doesn't it.
  15. I am so sorry to hear that. I don't have anything positive to say ... other than you have to look out for yourself....if he refuses to change ... I don't know.

    So sorry.
    Kenzi, ItsNeverTooLate and Bel like this.
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. :( Hugs to you.
    Bel likes this.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry nothing has changed.
    I wish you the best, always
    I hope you are taking care of yourself.

    I hope you find some solace today...
    Even if it's for 5min.

    Bel likes this.
  18. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys. Currently I operate in the friend zone now. He pushes me really hard. He says these slips are slips and it's part of the process of getting clean. That each time it happens it takes longer amd longer until he slides again. 5 years he keeps lying. I don't buy that. I think you either need to shit or get off the pot. Especially when it's porn AND you know what it's done to another person. I tell him that I really realize it would probably just be best for him to move on. No more lies. No more deceptions. He should go find love that isn't marred like a shit stained diaper. Find someone who won't look at him and cringe if he tries to reach out to them. I don't see how anyone can get better with a partner who is just done. Not gone as I know I should be , but DONE. Emotionally vacant. He could be a great guy for someone, I know this. He has a lot to offer. I just can't afford the emotional price tag that I attach to it. The hurt never leaves it just manifests. I like him I do. But the window of opportunity is closed. He has made great strides but I'm so burned out it really does not matter. It just cements that he is a good guy ...... but not for me. I want to be friends. If paths lead us back much later so be it. I just am on my own path right now and he is confusing my reluctance to fight as acceptance.
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

    No please; I really need help with this too. Without proof he just tells me I'm insane etc. I'm not insane and I know he's addicted. I've caught him before and broken my heart but I stay for our children's sake. He's promised to stop so many times.

    It's recently started up again though and so have the denials.

    If I can get proof I feel he'll HAVE to admit to a problem and we can try to deal with the addiction together.
  20. Has he admitted they were his? Make him login if he isn’t hiding anything.

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