First Post, New here. It's time.

Hello All!
New member here, though I've perused the site some years ago.
I'm 38, and have had an addiction to masturbation since I was probably 8 or so. My first encounter with perversion was a playboy my stepdad hid at the bottom of the stack of magazines in the bathroom that I discovered when I was 5. I can still see that Christmas edition centerfold in my head. Ever since that time, the beautiful image of women has had me in its grip. I, like many my age, began masturbating only with non-nude photos in sears catalouges, and other underwear/bathing suit pics in magazines, and any softcore movies that might come on showtime, cinemax, or HBO late at night. I did not start using internet porn until around age of 18. My main issue is not the porn, or the psub pics, it is simply the masturbation.

I realize now, that masturbation is my main addiction, for without it, I would have no use to oogle at images on a screen (or at women in real life.) I am a happily married man, and have been for 16 years. My wife knows of my masturbation/porn habit, but she certainly does not approve. Unfortunately, I did not tell her about it when we were dating, and she found out a year or so into our marriage when she caught me looking at porn on computer. She freaked. I told her I'd quit (thinking itd be easy,) and we moved on. 16 years later, I am still dealing with this issue. We recently had our 3rd child, and post partum is affecting her something fierce. She is distraught again over my porn habit, even though nothing has really changed with regards to the frequency of my use (never more than a couple times per week at most.) She is just sick of it. And frankly, so am I. I have been sick of this for a long, long time. Masturbation makes me feel shameful. Shameful to myself, to God, and to my wife. I hate feeling this shame, and often times I berate myself mentally, especially after a session (with or without pics.) "You're no good, you're such a loser...you will never stop, ever. You're such a pos, and so on and so on..."

I want this to end. I have actually had a really good year this year, and have already had a streak of 4+ months with no porn or psubs, but still would masturbate. Masturbation always leads me back to pics. Swimsuits, underwear, skirts, yoga pants, or naked... those are my Achilles heel. I've seen plenty of videos, sure, but the pics is what really gets me. I'm definitely a voyeur, and it makes me feel terrible. I explain it away because, "well God made me this way, all men are attracted to hot females." Who cares. This is no longer an acceptable excuse, and I want to stop.

Masturbation is my real addiction, and I'm here to make this finally end.
Thank you all for reading, and thank you all for this website...what a fantastic work you are doing here.

 

I appreciate you reading my post, and appreciate your encouraging words. Its amazing how much the thought (of looking and/or masturbating) has been in my head this past week. But I have been practicing moving my thoughts away to something else, as soon as they pop up....or "killing them off," as you stated. In a way its both easier and harder for me because I am married and still having sex. The "chaser effect" those talk about after having sex is super real, and it might be a tad easier to not have that (sex) around right now. OTOH, having sex with my wife is awesome, and what God intended I use my libido for.. I must keep reminding and training myself that sex in marriage (and not with myself and a computer) is what keeps my wife happy, God happy, and ultimately...ME happy.

Its been a little eye opening not masturbating for over a week. I havent had any "I feel GREAATT" moments yet, but I am sure they will show up.. I honestly dont remember what my longest streak of not masturbating at all is. Not sure it really matters either, as all other streaks ultimately failed anyhow. I do know that this cannot be just some "streak," this is a permanent change I am making. Any sort of masturbation (outside of sex session with my wife) is just childish, adolescent behavior in my mind; and at 38 years of age, I'm ready to stop being such an adolescent. I have 3 boys I have to teach to become men, and the sooner this behavior is behind me, the sooner I will be able to help them when the situation arises. It most likely will within a few years, as my two oldest are 8 and 10. The time is now.

This! ^ Its almost like I really never focused on the consequences before. I mean sure I've thought of them, and reminded myself of how badly I'd feel after a session, but never to such an extent that I truly am now. I KNOW how bad it hurts me. I KNOW how badly its killing my soul. I KNOW how badly it hurts my wife. (sure it helps that she still reminds me nearly every day right now, lol)

Personally, I feel there are consequences, at least with me, even beyond what others report.
I feel its hurt my relationship with God.
I feel its hurt my relationship with myself.
I feel its hurt my relationship with my children and my wife.
I feel its hurt my body, physically (holding onto fat, unexplained lower back pain, groin pain, etc.....I feel the shame and guilt I carry and have carried because of this has truly affected me, and manifested itself physically.)

So many areas in my life I will see improvement with this gone.
Thanks again for communicating with me. It truly helps to be able to talk with others and not feel embarrassed about it.

 

And God Bless you, friend!