First post, really grieving...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PennyDreadful, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. PennyDreadful

    PennyDreadful Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone! I might have found this place too late, since I have filed for divorce and just can't do this anymore...

    We have been married almost 20 years. It has always been I great marriage. We have a wonderful, now adult DD, he has a great paying job and have lived a pretty charmed life. However, over those years, I have discovered my husband with porn and hidden credit cards many times. Each time, he would of course say he would quit, and I would take over his debts and pay them off. Stupid me. Of course he never quit, either the spending or the porn. The last time he was caught, he had 10,000 on cards I knew nothing about and, of course, porn. I demanded therapy, and once again took over management of the debt and started paying it off. We went to therapy, as a family since this now impacted our daughter, because she got dragged into this mess. I thought we were doing well...but of course there was no sex, and hadn't been for a long time. He blamed it on his medications and I believed him, but I know better now. He was most recently caught when he accidentally streamed the porn he was watching on his phone in the bedroom onto the TV in the room where my DD and I sat. My DD and I left that night, but when she returned later to retrieve her phone, she found him with a shotgun under his chin, and the poor kid had to talk he father down from a suicide attempt.

    It was after that incident that he said he was a porn addict, and was referred to a sex addictions therapist. He had moved out, was seeing his new therapist, and I thought we were still trying to work on the marriage, but it seemed like he kinda gave up. He still contacted us about everyday mundane things, but he never really worked on "us", just didn't do anything that you'd think a supposedly desperate man that doesn't want to lose his family would do. Again, it felt like I was trying to save the family all by myself. After a particularly nasty fight, I had to file for a protective order for both myself and DD, then I filed for divorce.

    Since then, he has walked back his admission of addiction, telling my family that "sometimes I look at pictures of naked girls, so what?" I still see the therapist that we all went to, and she has since said she believes he is a Borderline Personality, which just brings another level of ugly to the party. He has completely turned his back on my daughter, and of course myself. I am facing a future that is so the opposite of what I thought it would be. I have been a SAHM for a long time, and now have to figure out how to live, go down a road that I never imagined I would be on, not even 2 months ago. The grief is sometimes so overwhelming that I can hardly function for days. I can't get the thought out of my head that he was willing to throw away a pretty dang good 20 year marriage because of porn. Even if he wanted to try again...I just cant. Trust is gone. I always trusted him, when he said he'd stop. What would my life be? Constant suspicion and snooping on his phone and computers? I just can't live like that. He has become a totally different person, like Mr. Hyde came out and is here to stay. But that might be more the Borderline disorder than the porn, or more likely a combination of the two.

    So porn really did ruin my life, my DD's life, everything.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. What often starts off as an innocent curiosity can grow into something that destroys the lives of so many people. The man you married is gone... the person he once was has been taken over by Mr. Hyde. The walls addicts put up around themselves are often too high and too thick to penetrate. They are alone on the inside with their addiction and their irrational thinking. Life might be hard for you now but at least you have been able to make a break. Many wives and girlfriends arrive here and they are somewhere in the middle of deciding whether to stay or go. Once the trust is gone then there really is nothing left unless the addict wants to change. And if he doesn't want to change then there's nothing to work with. I just wanted to welcome you and hope you find comfort and support from others who have gone through something similar.
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. That's a heartbreaking story. I'm adding you to our private group for SOs. The main forums are a great resource as well. I have found journaling to be very helpful.
  4. Disgruntled Worker

    Disgruntled Worker Fapstronaut

    I see a lot of blame and finger-pointing in the original post. I'm absolutely positive if your husband (now ex-husband) was allowed to give his full, unfiltered side of the story, our perception of this relationship would be completely different.

    I personally don't believe in marriage. I think it goes against human nature to tie yourself to one woman. I also believe a majority of people don't think things through long term and get married because of the societal pressure rather than because they truly think it's rational. They tell themselves it will never go sour and within a year or two they get bored of their spouse - the same old same old - and then porn starts to get used.

    As a woman you have to take your personal feelings out of the mix. If porn use is a problem then you're within your right to leave. Just don't get emotional about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2016
  5. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm flabbergasted. Previous comment reported.
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    I understand that everyone has an opinion, but this is a place people come for support, not to be judged. @Disgruntled Worker if you can't be supportive then start your own thread and post your opinions elsewhere. This thread belongs to @PennyDreadful and no one should troll her post, resort to victim blaming, or invalid her feelings.
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2016
  7. PennyDreadful

    PennyDreadful Fapstronaut

    That is an amazing reply. Bravo.

    Yes, I am blaming. I am blaming porn for ruining my husband. Whatever my husbands story is, I am here to work on me, my own feelings, and how to find peace.

    If you dont believe in marriage, then don't comment on the threads of people who DO believe in marriage. I happen to believe in it. I worked very hard on it. I'm sorry he didn't.

    Being a woman is not even a point that should be brought up. My 20 year marriage is ending. Male or Female, it is a earth shattering event, and the fact that I "have feelings" about it speaks to how much this man and our life meant to me. I am sorry that you feel the need to attack someone in the midst of the greatest heartbreak of her life. That is sad.

    The part about my age and standards does not even need to be dignified with a reply.
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry this happened. It's not the norm here but it does happen sometimes, unfortunately.
    MsPants likes this.
  9. PennyDreadful

    PennyDreadful Fapstronaut

    I have lurked enough on here to know that this is not the norm, and I'm very happy to get support from the mature, insightful people, and ignore the ones from kids that aren't even as old as my marriage! :rolleyes: I got really good at ignoring inappropriate behavior...
  10. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

    I want to thank you for posting what you did. I am a porn addict and am in recovery, one day at a time, one step at a time. Your story really made me go "There, but for the grace of God, go I"! Because I do love my family, and I do love my wife, and if I were in such a situation ... I can completely understand your (soon-to-be-ex-)husband's reaction. What is your life worth when everything of worth has gone? And I can also understand his later denial - because, when all of the important stuff in your life has gone away, when you've realized what a terrible situation you are in, then your "old friend" porn is still there to support you, so you will defend you "old friend" to the death. It is even worse today, because a lot of so-called experts these days will say it's all "normal"!! But that "old friend" will stab him in the back and destroy what's left of him. Count on it.

    This could have been me in a few years. Your story gives me incentive and strength to stay away from this evil thing and to rid myself of this disgusting, malignant disease.

    I hope that you come out OK. And even though you are splitting up with him, I hope that he gets the help that he needs to pull himself out of this. I have struggled with it for more than 25 years - first it was "innocent" and "everyone does it", but very soon it led me down some dark and disgusting paths - and now is the first time that I really think that I have the support, and the tools, and the power, to throw the monkey off my back. I wish you and your daughter, and your husband, the best of all possible futures. Be strong, all of you.
  11. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    @PennyDreadful ,

    That is quite the sad story. Sorry to hear. The parts were there was financial burden put on the family because of his addiction is heartbreaking, but the fact that your daughter had to interviene to stop him form shooting himself is quite brutal too.

    Now that you are here, there is a lot of good people here to help, I'm sure you already identified them. @fupornwife is one of them indeed.

    You need to better understand the addiction, so your "possible" next relationship, if you feel like it ,won't be spoiled by sex addiction or porn addiction.

    I particularly appreciate this book "Cupid's poisoned arrow" by Marnia Robinson. It particularly help me to understand what was wrong with me and my relationship with sex. There is a lot of good facts about the "reward circuitry" and its impacts on our addictions or tendency to develop them...

    Also, the whole addiction to dopamine...

    Take the time to heal and learn bout that nasty stealthy addiction....I'm scared for the next generations..

    My 16 yo daughter dates guys her age and a little older, that obviously ALMOST all masturbated to porn many times over (It's an assumption, but how can I be wrong about that one?). My kid known I was once a porn addict, so I decide to tell her and warn her that sexuality is NOT was is depicted in the movies on the net, and to be very aware that the young men these days might have unrealistic expectations and that their "preferences" might very well be polluted by weird/hard sex seen online.

    That was a little bit of an awkward conversation, but I wanted to make it clear that stuff like an4l is NOT the norm and certainly not as pleasureable and enjoyable for the lady as depicted on the net.
    I just wanted to make sure she won't think about trying to eventually please a BF by trying to perform crap pornish stuff....

    The men will get lost more and more into the porn trap I'm sure, and virtual reality porn certainly won't help either.....

    I can say that after over 200 days clean, I feel much better and I think clearly. Surfing and fapping to porn has been A LOT of time of my life I'll never get back.
    Good thing my wife helped me a lot.

    Godspeed @PennyDreadful !
    wj2727, Simon Shy and MsPants like this.
  12. PennyDreadful

    PennyDreadful Fapstronaut

    My daughter had a male friend in HS that wrote a paper on the devastating effects of P. When she found out about her fathers addiction, she contacted that friend, and he gave her some great advice and resources, including this site. She also found out that the reason he wrote the paper was that it was HIS addiction...I was floored by that. And my heart ached for him. SO, so young to have to battle this crap!

    I also appreciate the folks that are brave enough to admit on here their personal struggles...I never was able to really have an honest and open conversation with my husband about what drove him, and he never opened up in therapy. We never had a chance. Seeing what others write about their struggles helps me understand. Unfortunately, after multiple incidents through the years, I just can't see living the rest of my life this way. I'm not a spring chicken, but I'm still vital, and don't want to live with the fear and suspicion.

    My DD left home for her dream job end of July, so she is somewhat sheltered from the whole $#itshow this has become, and while it was personally DEVASTATING to lose her, I am glad she can't be hurt more than she is. She showed signs of PTSD, in the time between the shotgun incident and her departure. She went to therapy during that time, but I can only imagine how this will affect her in the future.
    Simon Shy and MsPants like this.
  13. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    The porn addiction is far reaching and causing all kinds of issues. We all have a different story to tell. In my case, my wife knew I was doing it, but was keeping it under the carpet. It took her 18 years to speak up. My daughter knew also, as she was spying on my browsing history. She was kinda joking about it, because my wife caught her doing it too, fapping to porn at 11 yo, using an Ipod.... The kid knows that for quite a while, I'm not taking all the bandwidth anymore....

    I'm glad your daughter seen a specialist, at least if she need it some more, she'll be able to identify it.

    My wife is 53, close to your age, not a spring chicken either. We have been lucky to reconnect at the 11th hour.
    Simon Shy and Dendrite like this.
  14. Shanne99

    Shanne99 Fapstronaut


    This is disgusting, I am beyond dumbfounded by this post. You should be beyond ashamed of yourself. And, if, you're not, I'd say, it's safe to assume porn is the least of your issues at this moment. Maybe, try to get a grip on your humanity first, possibly, a psychopath or narcissist's anonymous group would be more beneficial to you at this time?

    ; I am sorry that, the above post, was one of your first responses on the forum. And more importantly, I am so sorry to read your story regarding, what, you have endured.

    I just recently joined myself; so far I have only received and read supportive replies throughout this site. Please, do not let that jerk steer you away. I can say in my two days here, I have received more priceless information and empathy than I would have imagined from an online resource.

    I am dealing with, having, recently kicked out my porn addicted SO. I grew up with an alcoholic father. And because of, that, I spent several years working in the addiction and mental health field. (not that it shielded me from this).

    I agree with the others, in, that, you made the right choice 200%. Sadly, it does not sound like your soon to be x husband is willing to change; that, he is possibly just too far entrenched in his addiction and may, have already given up on himself. That is a hard reality to face, but not facing it could potentially, by the sounds of it, result in life-threatening circumstances.

    I had to make a choice several years ago to completely door slam, my alcoholic father. He is still "alive" living homeless in poverty with his addiction. It's tragic. I tried to save him so many times, it took me a lot of go-arounds to realise he didn't want to be saved and had already given up on himself. I absolutely loved who he was, back when he was healthy. But, I had to realise in a sense, that, he was dead; that part of him anyways. And unfortunately, that, if I did not want to be dragged under, I had to let go of his hand.

    Mourn who he was, do not hold onto what he's become.

    I promise you are not doing your daughter any harm, that is if you are feeling guilty about cutting that line, for her sake. It would probably make her feel worse, or question creating her own healthy boundaries with her father; if, you were choosing to remain in the relationship, holding onto hope, and possibly enabling him any further financially.

    I know, right now, it still probably feels wretched. You may, possibly, even be feeling like you have failed, because your relationship is ending that you have invested 20 years along with your hopes and dreams into (breaks my heart for you). It is human nature to not give up on something you have invested in, even when it's a, s***** deal. Exactly why, our current economic system is so insidious and/or successful, depending on your personal viewpoint.

    I know, not much anyone can say will take your pain away at this time and, that, often platitudes come off as hollow or at worst insulting. It just takes time and even that is a painful reality. Time is so relative, always moving slower when in anguish than when we are experiencing blissful moments (often I ponder why?).

    My best advice would be to absolutely not give up, going to therapy, even amp it up, if you are able until you start to slope down from this initial trauma. YOGA!

    Also, right now, feeling in the dark abyss myself, reading stories online of women who overcame betrayal and hopelessness, to come out the other side for the better. The success stories and this place and helping me along.

    You are brave and courageous, try not to beat yourself up, or take on his shame.

    Oh, and one moment at a time. Thinking towards the future, for me, brings anxiety right now. Thinking about my next step, next hour, is a lot clearer and brings me some comfort.

    Even if it is only, a bathrobe and a cup of tea <3
  15. Simon Shy

    Simon Shy Fapstronaut

    Well said. I'm sorry that post happened.

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