Hello everyone! I might have found this place too late, since I have filed for divorce and just can't do this anymore... We have been married almost 20 years. It has always been I great marriage. We have a wonderful, now adult DD, he has a great paying job and have lived a pretty charmed life. However, over those years, I have discovered my husband with porn and hidden credit cards many times. Each time, he would of course say he would quit, and I would take over his debts and pay them off. Stupid me. Of course he never quit, either the spending or the porn. The last time he was caught, he had 10,000 on cards I knew nothing about and, of course, porn. I demanded therapy, and once again took over management of the debt and started paying it off. We went to therapy, as a family since this now impacted our daughter, because she got dragged into this mess. I thought we were doing well...but of course there was no sex, and hadn't been for a long time. He blamed it on his medications and I believed him, but I know better now. He was most recently caught when he accidentally streamed the porn he was watching on his phone in the bedroom onto the TV in the room where my DD and I sat. My DD and I left that night, but when she returned later to retrieve her phone, she found him with a shotgun under his chin, and the poor kid had to talk he father down from a suicide attempt. It was after that incident that he said he was a porn addict, and was referred to a sex addictions therapist. He had moved out, was seeing his new therapist, and I thought we were still trying to work on the marriage, but it seemed like he kinda gave up. He still contacted us about everyday mundane things, but he never really worked on "us", just didn't do anything that you'd think a supposedly desperate man that doesn't want to lose his family would do. Again, it felt like I was trying to save the family all by myself. After a particularly nasty fight, I had to file for a protective order for both myself and DD, then I filed for divorce. Since then, he has walked back his admission of addiction, telling my family that "sometimes I look at pictures of naked girls, so what?" I still see the therapist that we all went to, and she has since said she believes he is a Borderline Personality, which just brings another level of ugly to the party. He has completely turned his back on my daughter, and of course myself. I am facing a future that is so the opposite of what I thought it would be. I have been a SAHM for a long time, and now have to figure out how to live, go down a road that I never imagined I would be on, not even 2 months ago. The grief is sometimes so overwhelming that I can hardly function for days. I can't get the thought out of my head that he was willing to throw away a pretty dang good 20 year marriage because of porn. Even if he wanted to try again...I just cant. Trust is gone. I always trusted him, when he said he'd stop. What would my life be? Constant suspicion and snooping on his phone and computers? I just can't live like that. He has become a totally different person, like Mr. Hyde came out and is here to stay. But that might be more the Borderline disorder than the porn, or more likely a combination of the two. So porn really did ruin my life, my DD's life, everything.