First real relationship, first real heartbreak.

LastVestigeOfOldJoy

LastVestigeOfOldJoy

Fapstronaut
I've been working hard on myself over the last couple of years. I eventually met a young woman. I quickly fell in love with her. She was very intelligent, yet very easy for me to talk to. She made me feel normal. It was nice. We became best friends and very quickly lovers. Somehow, within a few months, we were so blinded by love that we were discussing marriage plans for the future. It was a very intense relationship. She wanted to spend every waking moment with me and vice versa. We were each other's first sexual partners. Something to include about her is that she's normally very introverted and prides herself on being rather conservative in terms of her personal life.

One day, she had to travel out of state for her job. It was our first time apart for more than a day or so since we started dating. The first two days, she texted me non-stop throughout the day and we had a long call before bed. The third day, she barely said anything all day, and at the end of her day, texted me that she was going out for drinks with a coworker. She clarified that it was a girl and took a picture of them together. To me, this was weird because I didn't ask and I'm not typically the jealous type, but I figured she just wanted to reassure me. I wished her a good night and asked her to text me when she got back to her hotel safely.

Twelve came around, so I sent her a text asking her if she was still out, and got no reply. Two came around, same thing. At this point, I'm worried so I call. It rings once and gets hung up. I call again, same thing before a text saying "Stop calling. We'll talk later.". This obviously concerned me so I asked to talk now if at all possible. No answer, so I said "At least let me hear your voice so I know you're fine". She called me, said "I'm fine. I'll talk to you later." and hung up.

I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. I felt a sense of dread come over me. I texted her a couple of more times over the night, begging for an explanation. No reply. I passed out, and woke up a few hours later. She sent a text saying "I am fine, but we need to talk", so I called her as soon as I woke up. She told me everything. A high ranking guy in her company was being flirty, and she "couldn't say no" to drinking with him. They had sex multiple times that night. I died inside. I didn't know what to say, except "why". She said she didn't know and that it just "felt right".

I'll skip the rest, but, long story short, we broke up. She said she wanted to make it work, and I wanted to forgive her, but I know I couldn't. I even told her that. I'll never be able to trust her again, I'd be controlling and shit if I did take her back. It just wouldn't be good.

I am beyond depressed. I truly feel as though my life is coming to an end, though I know it isn't. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but if this is what it always feels like, I disagree. My whole world is coming down around me.
I can't invest this much of my heart into somebody only for it to be thrown away on something as stupid as sex.

I've heard normies often have a favored "breakup song". I suppose this is mine.
 
Heal2024 said:
It’s fucking tragic to hear man. If I were in your shoes, I would be ready to off somebody

Keep your head up tho brother. It’s light at the end of the tunnel. Fuck her. She’s in your rearview. Work on yourself. You’ll get what you’re owed. And she’ll get her karma
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It's definitely good she picked a guy that lives so far away to do this with. If it were someone I knew, I might have acted irrationally.

Thanks! Funny thing is, she tried to downplay what she did by saying "don't you ever wonder about other girls?". I genuinely didn't for the duration of our relationship. She was the only woman on my mind. I'm hardwired for monogamy, so the idea of cheating has always been particularly hard for me to grasp.
 
She got her first taste of sex and she liked it. Now she wants to explore sex with others. She will go through many more guys and some will burn her like she burned you. Don't take it personal, but your timing was off and she wasn't that great of a woman to start with. A decent girl wouldn't have cheated so easily, with so little regard for your relationship.
The breakup was inevitable, and they are all extremely hard to go through. Time will heal everything and the quicker you move on like she has moved on, the better you will feel.
Good luck!
 
nomo said:
She got her first taste of sex and she liked it. Now she wants to explore sex with others. She will go through many more guys and some will burn her like she burned you. Don't take it personal, but your timing was off and she wasn't that great of a woman to start with. A decent girl wouldn't have cheated so easily, with so little regard for your relationship.
The breakup was inevitable, and they are all extremely hard to go through. Time will heal everything and the quicker you move on like she has moved on, the better you will feel.
Good luck!
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It's just crazy how, less than 24 hours before she cheated, she was sending me links to furniture for the place we were moving into and talking about the future together. She was clearly excited about where things were going, yet the first opportunity she gets, she cheated. Insanity. I've tried to understand the mindset and I cannot. She wanted me to take her back after all that, too.

I've decided that I'm not suitable for romantic relationships. It's too complicated. It's good that I learned this lesson now rather than after I got married or god-forbid brought a child into the world. I cannot allow myself to be this invested in another person. My mental well being cannot be dependant on the whims of another person.

Maybe the relationship was unhealthier than I realized. Normal couples don't seem to be attached at the hip in the same way we were, and relationships don't normally escalate that fast.

Either way, at least I haven't gotten any PMO urges because of it. Just cigarettes.
 
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She sounds like the walking stereotype of a BPD woman. Completely controlled by emotional whims, with little capacity for logic or reasoning or foresight, or indeed basic empathy. Like a child in that regard. The unfortunate reality is a lot of women act like this - they make decisions based on emotions, then try to rationalise it after the fact. I'm so glad to hear that you broke up with her and didn't swallow the bullshit she was trying to feed you. You can do better, and you will.
 
UnholyConfessor said:
She sounds like the walking stereotype of a BPD woman. Completely controlled by emotional whims, with little capacity for logic or reasoning or foresight, or indeed basic empathy. Like a child in that regard. The unfortunate reality is a lot of women act like this - they make decisions based on emotions, then try to rationalise it after the fact. I'm so glad to hear that you broke up with her and didn't swallow the bullshit she was trying to feed you. You can do better, and you will.
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This rings very true. Now that there is a little distance, I can see a ton of the early stages of toxic or controlling behaviors consistent with BPD. Fear of abandonment, rejection sensitivity, conforming parts of her personality to align with mine.

It has also made me more aware of some things going on in my own head. A lot of these toxic behaviors were things I found comfort in, they were things I liked about her.

For example, if she was awake, she was blowing up my phone. This came from a place of insecurity, but it assuaged some of my own fears and insecurities in the relationship. I felt like it was a sign of being close and meant our relationship was strong. I felt like I had nothing else going for me in life but my relationship with her, so losing that was a constant worry. Obviously, I was wrong. It didn't mean anything. As soon as the next guy got her attention, I got told to stop calling.

This has proved two things to me. I didn't know her as well as I thought I did, because she cheated on me, and she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does because she is still under the impression we can talk this over. I've always told her that it was one of the few things I am unwilling to let go of.

I talked to her a little today. I tried to make it very clear that it was over, but she seems to think if she says the right combination of sweet things, I'm going to bend. I will not, I'm a long term thinker and I know taking her back would be a disaster for us both.

She tried to suicide bait on the phone, but quickly dropped it when I told her I would contact mental health services for her if she was serious, but that it wouldn't change anything between us. It was so creepy how she went from hysterical crying to a frustrated, annoyed tone when I didn't have a big emotional reaction to her threat.

The only reason I'm still in touch with her is that she has a ton of property she left at my house, as she stayed at my place 5/7 days of the week leading up to all of this. Part of me wants to throw it all out in the rain, but I'm not going to play games like that.

All in all, I dodged a bullet. A big part of me wishes the bullet had hit me and killed me, but I'll get over it.
 
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I played the song you linked while reading through the whole thread. Heartbreak changes something in a man, makes you want to thrive for achievements and goals long-term such as having a completely different mindset just because you felt the excruciating pain in your heart. I wish your next relationship will thrive with peace, maturity, and patience, as well as trust!
 
jradlr said:
I played the song you linked while reading through the whole thread. Heartbreak changes something in a man, makes you want to thrive for achievements and goals long-term such as having a completely different mindset just because you felt the excruciating pain in your heart. I wish your next relationship will thrive with peace, maturity, and patience, as well as trust!
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I am a very relationship and family oriented person by nature. Probably because I came from a single mother household. Those were the areas my life was lacking growing up so I believe that's why it has become a priority for me as an adult.

So as the relationship progressed, so many of my future plans were wrapped up in my relationship with her. Almost all of them. I was even saving money to pay for her to finish her degree.

On one hand, losing your entire outlook on the future is devastating but it also means you are free to try something new later if you can maintain a positive enough attitude.
 
LastVestigeOfOldJoy said:
This rings very true. Now that there is a little distance, I can see a ton of the early stages of toxic or controlling behaviors consistent with BPD. Fear of abandonment, rejection sensitivity, conforming parts of her personality to align with mine.

It has also made me more aware of some things going on in my own head. A lot of these toxic behaviors were things I found comfort in, they were things I liked about her.

For example, if she was awake, she was blowing up my phone. This came from a place of insecurity, but it assuaged some of my own fears and insecurities in the relationship. I felt like it was a sign of being close and meant our relationship was strong. I felt like I had nothing else going for me in life but my relationship with her, so losing that was a constant worry. Obviously, I was wrong. It didn't mean anything. As soon as the next guy got her attention, I got told to stop calling.

This has proved two things to me. I didn't know her as well as I thought I did, because she cheated on me, and she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does because she is still under the impression we can talk this over. I've always told her that it was one of the few things I am unwilling to let go of.

I talked to her a little today. I tried to make it very clear that it was over, but she seems to think if she says the right combination of sweet things, I'm going to bend. I will not, I'm a long term thinker and I know taking her back would be a disaster for us both.

She tried to suicide bait on the phone, but quickly dropped it when I told her I would contact mental health services for her if she was serious, but that it wouldn't change anything between us. It was so creepy how she went from hysterical crying to a frustrated, annoyed tone when I didn't have a big emotional reaction to her threat.

The only reason I'm still in touch with her is that she has a ton of property she left at my house, as she stayed at my place 5/7 days of the week leading up to all of this. Part of me wants to throw it all out in the rain, but I'm not going to play games like that.

All in all, I dodged a bullet. A big part of me wishes the bullet had hit me and killed me, but I'll get over it.
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Yeah this is all typical for a woman with mental health issues. If you acted like this you're likely to be called a freak at best, arrested at worst. But many women go through life with a free pass to act like psychos because men tolerate the behaviour. It's good that you don't, it shows you have a good head on your shoulders.
 
Hang in there man! You are totally right - never accept a traitor back. Just my peace of advice - sit just with yourself in some quiet place and analyse for some time this relationship experience, what you did right, what you did wrong, just to improve yourself in the future. For example : putting a woman a number 1 priority in man’s life is a big mistake, it makes you clingy and relationship focused, man should have his mission (or God if you want) on 1st place in his life always, that was a mistake, etc.
After this analysis you can delete everything associated with her and for you she is ‘dead’
 
UnholyConfessor said:
Yeah this is all typical for a woman with mental health issues. If you acted like this you're likely to be called a freak at best, arrested at worst. But many women go through life with a free pass to act like psychos because men tolerate the behaviour. It's good that you don't, it shows you have a good head on your shoulders.
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Thanks. That's definitely true. Having dealt with the mental health system before, a suicidal man is always treated as a potentially violent man whereas the same is not true for women. So I know better than to play those kinds of games, myself.

Metis07 said:
Hang in there man! You are totally right - never accept a traitor back. Just my peace of advice - sit just with yourself in some quiet place and analyse for some time this relationship experience, what you did right, what you did wrong, just to improve yourself in the future. For example : putting a woman a number 1 priority in man’s life is a big mistake, it makes you clingy and relationship focused, man should have his mission (or God if you want) on 1st place in his life always, that was a mistake, etc.
After this analysis you can delete everything associated with her and for you she is ‘dead’
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That's exactly what I've been doing. One thing I regret is letting her dictate the flow of the relationship. There were several points where I thought "This is getting intense, maybe we need to think on xyz a little more". Xyz being whatever "relationship milestone" she was pushing for, but went ahead anyway. At the time, I rationalized it as a calculated risk. She made me happy, and gave me something to look ahead to during a time in my life where I did not have that. So I decided I would trust her and let her decide when we were ready for different things.

Of course, now that I'm out of the relationship and repeating it here, I see the holes in that kind of thinking.

I'll just say that I am beyond happy she never got pregnant. She had been pushing to stop using condoms on the grounds that "we're soulmates" and she "wants to have kids anyway". I don't know why that wasn't a red flag to me. It's like she could bypass all of the critical thinking mechanisms I had and it took her hurting me to do realize.

As for being clingy, I definitely was clingy with her. However this was something she encouraged, and I was the less clingy partner in the relationship. (ie I tended to check on her periodically whereas she would want to talk literally 24/7 - until she met him, of course)

I will find it hard not to be like this in any future relationships. I am very family focused by nature and one day having a family is the closest thing to a "mission" I have. Something to work on before I give it another try.
 
LastVestigeOfOldJoy said:
Thanks. That's definitely true. Having dealt with the mental health system before, a suicidal man is always treated as a potentially violent man whereas the same is not true for women. So I know better than to play those kinds of games, myself.


That's exactly what I've been doing. One thing I regret is letting her dictate the flow of the relationship. There were several points where I thought "This is getting intense, maybe we need to think on xyz a little more". Xyz being whatever "relationship milestone" she was pushing for, but went ahead anyway. At the time, I rationalized it as a calculated risk. She made me happy, and gave me something to look ahead to during a time in my life where I did not have that. So I decided I would trust her and let her decide when we were ready for different things.

Of course, now that I'm out of the relationship and repeating it here, I see the holes in that kind of thinking.

I'll just say that I am beyond happy she never got pregnant. She had been pushing to stop using condoms on the grounds that "we're soulmates" and she "wants to have kids anyway". I don't know why that wasn't a red flag to me. It's like she could bypass all of the critical thinking mechanisms I had and it took her hurting me to do realize.

As for being clingy, I definitely was clingy with her. However this was something she encouraged, and I was the less clingy partner in the relationship. (ie I tended to check on her periodically whereas she would want to talk literally 24/7 - until she met him, of course)

I will find it hard not to be like this in any future relationships. I am very family focused by nature and one day having a family is the closest thing to a "mission" I have. Something to work on before I give it another try.
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God removed her cause he heard the conversation that u can't.
 
Welcome to the real, crude, terrible world! Im sorry you had to go through this, but unfortunately it's pretty normal.
Someone did this to me in the past, so at some point, I did it to someone else because I thought I could, since It was done to me I felt I had the right to do it. Now, after many years, it's all behind.
 
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What's the lesson here? Don't get attached so easily and if you do, only show 30% to 60% of it. If you are interested in someone, take things slowly, don't trust any girls so easily, and make sure to know her background, family, friends, and values. Im sure you had the hope she would be your soul mate.

In your case, it was all too intense. The sex, the intimacy, the discovery. It was all new. It's very intoxicating.

But if you are just eventually looking for quick hooks ups, well, it's a good learning curve on how to deal with girls' bullshit and build a good thick emotional skin. Just don't become addicted to casual sex.

Sex addiction is not the same as porn addiction.

Finally, Im sure you are a great guy. Keep your head UP!
 
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JiuJitsuGuy said:
What's the lesson here? Don't get attached so easily and if you do, only show 30% to 60% of it. If you are interested in someone, take things slowly, don't trust any girls so easily, and make sure to know her background, family, friends, and values. Im sure you had the hope she would be your soul mate.

In your case, it was all too intense. The sex, the intimacy, the discovery. It was all new. It's very intoxicating.

But if you are just eventually looking for quick hooks ups, well, it's a good learning curve on how to deal with girls' bullshit and build a good thick emotional skin. Just don't become addicted to casual sex.

Sex addiction is not the same as porn addiction.

Finally, Im sure you are a great guy. Keep your head UP!
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Thanks!
Sorry for the belated reply. I needed to stay off of the Internet for a week or so to keep my head clear.

I'm definitely going to keep any future romantic partners at arms length until I'm certain they have enough integrity to be honest, even when it's inconvenient for them. In my mind, when you enter into a monogamous relationship, you do so with the understanding that you're giving up those future opportunities for casual sex and such. If they can't live with that, they should have the integrity to be honest and leave me beforehand - even though I know that can be a pain in the ass. Breakups suck in general but getting cheated on leaves scars that are more difficult to just move on from. Now I'm going to have to process that and learn to trust again before I can enter into a future relationship, as I don't want to be a jealous, paranoid or overly controlling partner.

I have considered meeting up with some girls and even installed tinder for the first time to see what was available in my area in that regard. Ultimately I decided not to, as I tend to be turned off by the kind of women most likely to sleep with me no strings attached. (I don't like partying, drinking, most drugs, etc. Not even as a moral thing, it's just not my idea of a good time)

Thanks for the advice!

Update on the situation for anyone curious:

She called and messaged me every day until she got back into town. I began ignoring her but didn't block her anywhere as I wanted to keep a line open to return her belongings to her. It was all the same stuff. She's sorry, she was drunk, she regrets it, she loves me, it was just sex.

The day she got back into town, she called me and claimed he raped her. She said he put something in her drink and took advantage of her while she was knocked out. This is clearly not how that happened, I literally spoke to her on the phone while she was in bed with him.

I told her that if any of that is true she needed to go to the police and the HR of her employer, but that even if she was raped, things are over between us as she lied about going out with him in the first place and I cannot trust her.
She got angry and decided to try and make me jealous by telling me how much she enjoyed him.

This is minutes after she was crying telling me she was raped.

I now believe this woman is a straight up manipulative sociopath. She sent her brother to get her stuff rather than coming to get it herself, and I was very relieved by that.

He was fine. He just told me he was here to pick her stuff up, I already had it all boxed or bagged up, and I helped him load it into his truck. He was strangely casual about the whole thing and I got the impression he knows how she is.

She's tried to get ahold of me a few more times but she is now blocked everywhere. Her crap is out of my house. I've been trying to get as much overtime at my job as possible as I tend to get very depressed at home alone lately.

I broke down and started smoking again, but still no PMO. The lack of regular sex has increased my libido but I don't feel compelled to have an orgasm every time I get a little aroused anymore, so that's good.
 
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