First serious girlfriend, when should I tell her?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by ForABetterLife20, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    I've been dating this girl for just over a month now. I met her right around the end of August last year when I was a freshman and she was a sophomore. We were friends all of last school year, and realized we'd probably be a good match to start dating right around the time summer began. When we got back to school, things picked up right where they left off and we started dating a week or so into the year.
    Fast forward 5 weeks. I've reset 8-10 times in that span, knowing it's prohibiting me from being with her and affecting my studies and yada yada yada, that's for a different post.
    I am a Christian and received the sacrament of confession this last Saturday. The conversation with my priest I had after speaking of my continued struggles with porn and the fact that I have a girlfriend (my gf and I go to the same church) was good for me to talk about and him to hear. He basically told me what I already knew, and that was I have to tell her I've been struggling with porn for a long time now. I haven't reset since then, so 5 days. Long story short, April-now has been a shitshow. The 16 months prior to April was dope; I had maybe 4-5 resets. I gotta get back to that period for her. After being just friends for an entire year before dating, then dating for even just 5-6 weeks, I really can see us together long-term.
    But I need to tell her about my struggles, and successes, with porn. I just have to as we progress to levels of trust you don't hit as friends.
    Does anyone have any experience in this? I can elaborate more if needed, answer questions, etc. I know that she needs to know, and my plan is to tell her within the next week to two weeks. I have some ideas as to how, but I just wanted to come onto here and bounce some ideas off of you guys.
    Thanks bros

    ~pornnomore18
     
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  2. Lancelot Striving47

    Lancelot Striving47 Fapstronaut

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    Awesome! Love the quote above your counter and your story! I myself want to be in your position someday, but would no dought find it very difficult. First of all, I think you are being a real man to be telling her of your struggle and staying honest with her. That is Great! While never being in this position before I think that this would be a major step in overcoming this addiction. These are a few things to keep in mind I think:

    1st Keep in mind that she may not be comfortable dating you after this. There is that possibility.
    2nd This may in fact actually strengthen your relationship with her.
    3rd You will need to really make progress in overcoming the addiction after you tell her. But that could be easier since you'll have her to work towards.
    4th Consider looking at Jason Everts and Matt Fradds talks for couples and possibly she may want to hear them to understand you better. They will probably explain it better than any of us would.
    6th I would recommend (if she will) for her to listen to these talks to understand that what you are actually facing is a true addiction. Some people I know think porn isn't a real addiction and by her knowing it is a real addiction she will be more understanding of you if you fall to it after telling her.
    5th When you tell her make sure you are making progress in your addiction so you can show her that she really matters to you.
    7th Consider getting your own Covenant eyes account (paying it with your own money) and ask her to be your accountability partner. This will keep you honest with her, make it harder for you to look at porn, and will show her how serious you are with overcoming it. It will also make her feel like she is helping you.
    8th When you tell her, start from the beginning. Explain to her how you got hooked on it to start with. For me, I got hooked on it at such a young age that at that time it wasn't even my fault to start with.
    9th Pray about how and when to tell her!
    10th Possibly try a day fast with prayer just before you tell her.

    She sounds like an amazing girl and I wish you both the best! You are being a very honorable person to be facing this head on and I very much respect you for it. Let me know how it works out so I will know how to do it in future. Would really appreciate it, man!
    Godspeed
     
    Healed! likes this.
  3. if you want to. if you are going to tell her, i would tell her that i have been struggling with this porn addiction in the past but now I am moving forward and dealing with it.

    If you come to her and tell her, "I have this porn addiction and I dont know what I'm going to do and I am out of control.." that would look pretty bad and pathetic. DO NOT DO THIS.

    Instead, I would recommend telling and showing her that you are going to handle it and you know you are going to fix it and you are man enough to solve your own problems and get help from people and follow advice and do what you have to do and things are going to be better then ever. Show that you are accountable and not helpless and you know that you can and will get out of this (because its true). Have a good attitude and the conversation will be a lot better. I would also start the convo by squashing all of her fears (is the porn becuase of me, do you think i'm attractive, am i enough, do you love me) etc.

    that is if you want to tell her. You do not have to. I would use your own judgement. A good book is Crucial Conversations it goes through the exact strategy on how to have challenging conversations.
     
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  4. Lancelot Striving47

    Lancelot Striving47 Fapstronaut

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    @%32 Good advice! Although I think he is doing the right thing telling her if he is serious about this girl. He needs to show her honesty and not have secrets. A secret like this tares away at relationship. By showing honesty in the beginning of the relationship it shows her what a good guy he is. He needs to tell her if it's serious. Thanks for sharing the book I am going to look into it! And while we may disagree in what is right, thank you for being a member that gives advice instead of just saying, "your awesome". Keep up the fight!
     
  5. Don't think it's a good idea to a have a SO as an accountablity partner.
     
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  6. I think you should tell her.
    I'm in a newer relationship (5 months) and I've talked to her about everything.
    Except PMO. I know I should tell her but I'm struggling. I want to have at least 30 days under my belt before I have that talk.
    I want to tell her that that part of my life is gone forever.

    My advice to you is that you have to understand that you are doing this for yourself and not for her.
    There is a big difference between doing something because you love her versus doing something because you love and accept yourself.
    If you fall in the latter, you won't having any trouble finding the right way to do it.
     
  7. aZel

    aZel New Fapstronaut

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    Out of curiosity. Why not?
     
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  8. Lancelot Striving47

    Lancelot Striving47 Fapstronaut

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    Just remember that we do not know you as your priest knows you. Follow his advice.
    Godspeed
     
    ForABetterLife20 likes this.
  9. Because if you put your girlfriend on an accountability programme like Covenant Eyes they will see every website you view that is perceived to be pornographic. It will mean she will know the details and in many cases SO can't handle the details. I told my ex about my porn problem and she was ok about it, but when I told her the details she got really upset and told me to be careful with what I tell her. Also, interestingly Covenant Eyes seem to imply a girlfriend shouldn't be using the programme - only wives should be.

    I'm all telling a girlfriend but not giving her the full details.
     
  10. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    All I know is I waited too long and if I could do it over again I would tell early in the relationship. Good luck bro
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As someone who dated a man with this addiction you need to tell her now. The longer you wait the more deceived she’s likely to feel and that’s not good. Be open with her don’t avoid questions or refuse to answer. Accept whatever decision she makes. To be so young and to be able to see you have a problem, commit to working on it and be willing to be honest you are wise beyond your age and I commend you for that.
     
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  12. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    I told her Saturday evening, and it went amazingly well.
    She understood completely and basically told me that while it's a problem, I'm by no means alone. She reassured me that there are so many other people who do it as well, and she also said she will help in any way she can, although she recognized that there are a lot of ways she can't help.

    All in all, I fell for her a little more than I was before, and I've had a good 3 days since then.

    WOW!
     
  13. Mike28

    Mike28 Fapstronaut

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    Great job dude! I am way too afraid to tell my gf but I know I should do it.
     
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  14. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    Now here's another question. Do I tell her after I fall?

    I had a bad day of classes and I was tired and exhausted all day. I walked home to an empty house and bam. 1 hour porn session followed by a jerk off to a porn I think is nasty. Fuck this shit man. I dont want to deal with this anymore.
     
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  15. Trynagetbetter

    Trynagetbetter Fapstronaut


    NO. Here's the thing. You DO want honesty in your relationship. But that doesn't mean you need to share EVERY DETAIL; that's reckless. And it's unloving. Sometimes people "share their truth" and think it's brave or honest and right. They feel relieved to get it off their chest, but often this kind of male confession to females is just thoughtless and inconsiderate. I've seen so many husband crush their wives with the nitty gritty details of porn or fantasies, or lust. Tell a male accountability partner who dispassionately understands the male sex drive and doesn't take it personally (who won't take a hit to their self-esteem and self-worth) whenever you screw up. You can still be accountable to the men in your life, but don't make it HER responsibility to keep you clean and sober (not her fault or responsibility; too heavy, man). In other words, be authentic, yes. Be sincere, yes. Keep no secrets (ie that you are working through porn addiction). Sharing every step and every failure, and every detail? NOOOO!!! Too heavy a burden for the significant other - especially a new GF.

    You will get through this. You will grow. You made a HUGE step in letting her know the kind of man you are, the struggles you face, and the steps you're taking to get better. Now just focus on doing what you told her - working your plan. You're good. Don't use the GF be your motivation, your standard, or your way out. It will be emotionally exhausting for her, and she'll end up resenting you. You also haven't mentioned much about her struggles; you might trigger her, or get her horny, or self-conscious, etc.

    (I'm 50; sharing my personal experience of 20 years from men in church who thought they'd just have their wives "hold them accountable." Always backfired)

    NOTE: If you do progress into a deeper relationship, you may ask her how much she wants to know. Give her the option, but I would keep the details very broad unless she ASKS for them (ie just say, "Having a rough week; working my plan and learning. This is hard but I'm hopeful, etc).
     
  16. legendsneverdie

    legendsneverdie Fapstronaut

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    I used to think differently and that you should be 100% honest, but this man is actually right. It’s best if you can do it on your own. You are strong enough
     
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  17. Fucking thank you I'm glad I am not the only one with this opinion. A gf as an accountability partner is not a good idea. It's not fair to put that pressure on her. It will damage the relationship if she sees you as a helpless porn addict that is leaning on her. That would build resentment and anxiety in her and she probably would take it personally.
     
  18. Listen to @Trynagetbetter his advice is spot on.
     
  19. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    This. Spot on. You will rarely ever hear this but she expects consideration in your expression of honesty. Lol, meaning a little bit less than all of it. There are limits to her strength and understanding which might be not be visible to either of you. But they are there, she will be hurt, and she wont be always able to detach that hurt from her image of you. And then it becomes valid as something she feels, and you become... tainted. You might do nothing wrong, she might know it, but it will feel wrong.
     
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  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As a woman who was in this situation this does not work. We always find out and then we feel lied to and don’t trust you at all. If you were honest with us then we may be angry but we will be 100 times angrier when we found out we were lied to or mislead. It will ruin the relationship going forward. The foundation of a good relationship is honesty. So if you are starting the relationship with dishonesty then it is unlikely to succeed. To be clear keeping something from someone that you know will change their decision to be with you or that they would want to know is lying. You are lying to protect yourself and in doing so misleading her into a relationship she may not want to be in. To be clear again she will find out. It may be next year or next week but she will.

    You all are giving this guy horrible advice. I suggest the OP go over to the SO forum and ask this question so he can get an honest answer. And no fighting with someone who finds out with oh it was a new relationship I don’t have to tell you will get you nowhere if this is a deal breaker for her and you can’t find that out if you don’t tell her. Think if it like this. What if she’s sleeping with three other guys right now? Or maybe she works as a prostitute? Maybe she has three kids she did not tell you about? Maybe she’s married? Maybe she’s a drug addict? If you are in a serious relationship with her a year from now and found out then (not from her) how would you feel? These things that I list are deal breakers for some people and not others but one thing that’s universally a deal breaker is lying. No one finds a liar attractive. You are consciously deceiving someone and most people see that as a serious character flaw.

    Tell her and then ask her how much she wants to know and then abide by her wishes. And if you are not man enough to do that then end things now so she can find someone else don’t waste her time.
     
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