First serious girlfriend, when should I tell her?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by ForABetterLife20, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    In a way i agree, ideal relationship would have complete honesty. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. In real world ideal threshold of honesty is below total honesty. I constantly learn of new examples where "completely honest people" in relationship say which things should be cutoff by that threshold. White lies in some form are always prescribed, positive emotional manipulation is encouraged and emphasizing some parts of truth while lying by omission of others is the norm. Some things are "too honest" or "brutally honest". I agree that they should talk about it and agree on where exactly to put that threshold, how much self delusion is comfortable and acceptable. Much better than silently implying where is the threshold.

    I heard a story of one girl where she broke up with her long term bf because she cheated on him. Every new date where she was honest about it ended in disaster. Guys recognized that as a red flag and bailed out. It was either to "control the amount of truth in communication" or stay alone. What would you advise her to do? To keep trying till she found that one dumbass who wont care? No, you would tell her to wait and test his commitment before she exposes herself. Same thing with girls with a big number of previous sex partners. Messing with that number is the norm.

    There is complete honesty and ideal relationship. Unfortunately, most people are forced to chose most of their lives.
     
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    With your example of the girl telling men that she was cheated on leaving her I would say she’s dating the wrong men and yes to remain single if she cannot find a man who can accept her truth. If the standard for getting a relationship is whether one has been cheated on in past relationships then a majority of people would be single. How many people have been cheated on that you know? And I have never encountered a man who dumped a girl because she honestly told him her last relationship ended in cheating. Now maybe she is insecure based upon that and that causes issues in her relationships in which case she needs to work on herself and find a man willing to make her feel safe and confident in the relationship. Being honest tells the guy she was hurt and it helps him to understand why she may do or say the things she does. Not telling him does not change the fact that she was cheated on or how she will act in her new relationship because of it. It just leaves him in the dark and even more confused.

    What this boils down to is self. Confidence or lack of it. A self confident person says I am honest because I know someone will love me for who I am whether that person I am is an addict, a criminal etc. and if they don’t I am okay with being alone. A person with low self esteem says nobody will love me as I am so I need to hide who I am to get someone to love me. If you are hiding who you are that’s not a real relationship. The person you are dating is not dating you they are dating the image of the person you created. You never gave them a chance to love you and it given that chance she may have loved the real you but now she’s betrayed and lied to and most likely gone . Plus how much fun could it be to be a person having to lie all the time? Love it feeling comfortable she safe and you will never get there if you lie or withhold. You are keeping the real you at a distance. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. What I mean is that far too often people try to be the person they think the other person wants . They think if I’m this or that she or he will love me. The truth is with the right person you don’t have to do that . And when you pretend and put up a facade that relationship will crash and burn. Date the people that want to date you for all that you are. And they are out there. But people spend too much time trying to get the girl that’s just not interested.

    I’m not saying air all your dirty laundry on date one but if the relationship is looking serious and if you are having sex or at the third date you have to reveal pmo and once you do you most be as honest as she requests. The reality is pmo is a deal breaker for many. So just like a drug addiction, past marriages you need to get it out there early. Sure some will run and when that happens let them. That’s all let them walk And wait for the others who are willing to stay.

    I think far too often people think that if a partner just gets to know all the good things about me first then I will tell them the bad parts later and they will be fine with it but that so rarely happens. It’s like on s simple level men who say they are 6’2 on dating sites and show up and are 5’7. Many women are fine with dating a man that’s 5’7 but not fine with being lied to so now you’ve lost her due to lies.

    Be confident in who you are. Be okay with being single. And just be honest. Don’t trick people into being with you you don’t need to do that you alone are enough.
     
  3. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    No, she doesn’t need to know every detail of your personal life. I wouldn’t even have told her about the porn. You’re lucky it worked out.
     
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  4. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    You misunderstood. In my example she was the one who cheated, not being cheated on. That happens too.

    Ill be blunt: i dont think you as a woman understand the position in which a lot of men find themselves. Sad truth is that there is a portion of men who would be happy loving a woman no matter her personality. Meaning that from a female perspective its okay to be whatever you want and still expect to find someone who will love you. For me it comes down to fake it till you make it. If i have a "faulty" personality it will be much harder for me to find a woman who will accept me as i am, as would a man accept a woman.

    Yeah sure, harder doesnt mean impossible, thats why i more or less given up from acting what i like to be and started being myself. I dont think i am yet ready to accept that might mean i will remain single but i think that with years that will settle in.
     
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  5. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Three cheers for GG and his mature wisdom! This is an EX.CEL.LENT answer -- and I say this on the basis of solid personal experience and evidence.
     
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  6. Trynagetbetter

    Trynagetbetter Fapstronaut

    Hello GG2002. I think you may have misunderstood the context of my original comment, and hence the context of the replies. We were all telling him that he SHOULD be honest with his girlfriend that he struggles with porn addiction. And he did. Then he asked, should he share all the intimate details of each failure. We were simply cautioning him to do as you mentioned in your last thought: "... ask her how much she wants to know." The point, as I think we both agree, is to be honest, but also considerate of how much of the details she can handle. Thanks for chiming in and reiterating this important truth!
     
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  7. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    Hey dude how's it been?
     
  8. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    I think it depends on the woman. Some can handle the details; others are devastated. I don’t think gf or wife should be your AP. That takes another man; same for a woman with a woman. Other gender can never understand from your perspective. A SO can hold you accountable in general terms, but not in specifics.
     
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think they should be your accountability partner no . That being said she gets to decide what and how much she wants to know not the addict . If she wants to know everytime he slips up and on detail then he tells her or if he cannot do that he ends the relationship. He does not decide what she can handle she does. So he needs to tell her he slipped up and ask if and what she needs to know.
     
  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You may have given him the advice to ask her what she wants to know but others did not. They encouraged him not to share the details and to make the decision himself. She decides not him.
     
  11. I dont think I would tell her if it was my case. It's a problem of mine, and I should fight it out. It's not necessary for her to know my problem, it might ruin her thoughts for me.
    But then again, it's just what I would do.
     
  12. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    All of us are merely sharing our opinions. None of us is an expert on what works for someone else. We’re just sharing what works for us.
     
  13. Yeah that's why I said it's, what "I would do". Just dropping some ideas.
     
  14. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    I love GG's answer as well -- though I think the "ask her" advice is less realistic. She'll invariably _say_ "everything" (for fear of being lied to by omission) even though she'll hate hearing it and will probably not find it a constructive experience. Therefore, I feel one should stick to generalities --- truths, but no graphic detail.
     
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  15. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Yep, I got that. My comment was aimed at some of the other posts.
     
  16. ForABetterLife20

    ForABetterLife20 Fapstronaut

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    I'll take a couple minutes out of my studying to weigh back in on the matter. I'm on day 5 (regardless of what my counter might say) and I'm doing great and she's doing great. Anyone simple at math will quickly figure out more than 5 days have gone by since I first told her. Have I told her each time I've fallen? (Which has been 3 times I think) No I have not. Have I confronted her and told her that I've been struggling recently with it and I wanted to let her know? Yes I have, and she's supported me fully and reassured me but asked for no more.

    This is how she has rolled with my confession, more or less. I know she knows about it, and she knows that. Has she been beautiful and supportive even though I fell? Yes. (Note: we're not having sex, we don't plan to. We've only gone as far as kissing for now. Just throwing that out there as a small fact about our relationship)
    I know for a fact a different woman would handle the situation differently with her boyfriend, who would also be different than I am. However, I know how I'm handling it and how she's handling it. We aren't talking about it not because it isn't a problem, but because in some respects, I need to fix it myself. I've been doing good so far. No phone in the morning or at night with minimal contact with them throughout the day; when I do use them, I'm using them in a public place. I'm home right now alone writing this instead of opening up a porn tab. She has recognized her place in this struggle of mine. For her, it isn't one of being an AP, neither of us want that. It also isn't about her being completely out of the loop. It's the middle where I let her know how things are going when it's necessary, and it's my job to determine when I need to man up and tell her I'm struggling. This is the balance we have found in the last 2 weeks (?) since I first told her.

    I appreciate everyone's input! I honestly didn't think I'd get this much feedback at all. I'm here right now to 1) avoid studying and 2) to avoid P'ing. Thank you everyone!
     
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  17. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    I just watched an episode of House MD with some interesting situations which explored honesty in relationships. In the show House lied to Cuddy and she is upset about it and expects an apology. Instead of apologizing House decides to prove to Cuddy that she lies too. He manages to do that when he catches her lying about never being married before. She gets terribly upset and hurt about it, calls House a bastard and storms of. House then makeups with Cuddy by saying this(i copied it from subs file):

    "I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again."

    Then he admits to his friend that he lied that time too, lol. His friend lost his relationship because he was honest. Its a great show, many shades of grey, message is not against trust or honesty or for it. Just like real life.

    This is the episode if anybody is interested. There are 3-4 other great side plots also dealing with honesty in it.
     
  18. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Good news, overall!
    One thought though: rebooting is about more than what you don't do (i.e. PMO)... but what you do, think, love, exude, and envision instead. That's in general, for all of us, I think. But when it comes to intimate relationships, it's very much also about scrubbing one's imagination, aspiration, turn-ons etc. from the pollution of 2-D sextertainment to the reality of true physically-expressed love. In that sense, one can be on "Day 250" and still be a lecherous troll. The challenge, therefore, I feel, is to regain some purity (if not innocence) in our interpersonal passion, the absence of which our partners tend to recognize...
     
  19. Lancelot Striving47

    Lancelot Striving47 Fapstronaut

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    This is great! You were a real man and the man God made you to be. I am so happy for you both! I am going through a rough time in my addiction and your story gives me hope.

    Far as your other question this is my advice:
    You should ask her how much she wants to know.
    Then you really need to get serious about quitting, so she can see progress. Because if you do not progress to putting this addiction into your pass she will start to lose faith in you.
    The women above is right you should always be honest. Women always find these things out and being lied to or not told is just bad.

    The bottom line is you need to take steps and tell her about these steps so you stay accountable. You need to start figuring out a plan of how you are going to overcome this. You might read "Restored" by Matt Fradd. It has stories from all sides of this problem including serval stories that wives and girlfriend wrote about their addicted men. Give it a shot.

    I think it is a testament to how good a man you are to be this considerate and concerned about this. It is good that you take this threat seriously. Now... you can win this! It begins with making a plan.
    Godspeed
     
  20. Strong Cat

    Strong Cat New Fapstronaut

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    Tell her after you can last atleast 1 year.
    She would be proud of you
     
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