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First time in forever

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, May 4, 2017.

  1. So let me start by saying that I've had a really hard time with relationships (or more like my lack of having any). In school I was pretty much a looser. I had a couple friends in our looser click.. but in general we were at the bottom of the totem pole and I had horrible interpersonal skills. I never had a gf or even got close to having one (and yes I used PMO to smooth over that pain and look where that got me). After high school I made many huge changes in my life. I moved to Israel, I joined the army, I made a new group of friends and became one of the most popular of the group and I became religious. Slowly these changes have completely changed the person that I am. I don't even recognize who I used to be anymore. Now I'm handsome confident and social. Yet with all of these changes my relationship experience remains exactly at zero...

    Even though objectively I know that I must me much more attractive to woman than the looser I was in high school, my brain is still broken.. it tells me me that I'm not worthy, that no girl could ever like me.. and I have developed a phobia of relationships. I feel like I've fallen so far behind on relationships that I will never be able to catch up. I'm scared of making a fool of myself. I'm extremely self conscious, I don't like talking on the phone, im to self conscious to ever dance, and I'm absolutely petrified of ever kissing a girl (I never have before).

    Ok now that I am done explaining my fucked up back story (it makes me so relieved that I can tell anything in this forum) I can explain what recently happened to me. A few days ago was Israel's Independence Day. I went out with a couple good friends one of them being a girl I have had an on and off crush on since I moved to Israel 4 years ago. Being Independence Day there were huge crowds and a couple times we had to get through them and I would hold her hand so we wouldn't get separated in the crowds. At some point she started holding onto my arm and soon we started holding hands.. when not going through the crowds. Like full interlocked fingers holding hands. We kept holding hands until we parted ways about an hour later. We didn't kiss or anything but we did hold hands for a while and at some points she even stroked my hand with her free hand. I know holding hands probably sounds so junior high, but sadly enough it is literally the most action I have ever gotten in my life.

    I half posted this just to get this off my chest, I'm meeting a friend on Sunday and I'm going to ask her for her advice but I just couldn't wait any longer before telling someone! But of course any advice would be great. I'm seeing her again on Tuesday, but not like just the two of us, some of our mutual friends will be there too. So what should I do?? My brain is already starting to go into the negative patterns it is trained to do. She wasn't really drunk but certainly the alcohol was affecting her, so my brain is telling me that she doesn't really like me, it was just the alcohol.. that I'm stupid to ever think she could like me. Trying not to fall for her to protect myself from pain. Honestly it could have just been the alcohol.. I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do.

    Any help would be appreciated, and thank you to anyone who was patient enough to read through all of this.
     
    Tesslynne and Lightseeker like this.
  2. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    Stand in your faith and rely on the goodness of God. It may be that the time has come, and it may not. Breathe. Relax. Breathe.
     
  3. The Consigliere

    The Consigliere Fapstronaut

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    If she was only a little bit under the influence and your interactions were gradually growing then I think there could be some potential chemistry going on. However, alcohol could have been a factor. When you meet her again and if she's not under the influence, pay close attention to how she treats you and go from there.
     
    Tesslynne and Lightseeker like this.
  4. Thanks brother, im trying. It's hard for me to get over this fear.

    But what should I do when I see her? I don't know how to interact with her now.

    I've self diagnosed myself as a fearful avoidant attachment type (google it for more information) pretty much it means that even though I really want a relationship I'm scared shitless of rejection and therefore afraid to make any sort of move that can lead to intimacy. How I got myself to hold her hand I have no clue haha
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2017
  5. The Consigliere

    The Consigliere Fapstronaut

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    You just have to talk to her like you would talk to any of your other friends (if you speak to them in a respectful manner). You've already had an interaction with her before, so I would build off of that.
     
    Tesslynne likes this.
  6. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    Just be glad to see her. Ask how she's been. How's work? If you're hungry, find a place to eat.

    It is for just these situations that humanity invented conventional small talk. So that we'd always have a gateway to more important conversation.

    You can do it!
     
    Bowcaster and Tesslynne like this.
  7. Thanks for the help guys but no... nothing, she's definitely not interested.. I guess I'll curl back up in my little shell.
     
  8. The Consigliere

    The Consigliere Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to sound really cliche right now, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. You don't have to curl up in a shell when a girl doesn't seem to be interested in you or curl up in a shell in any situation. Guess what. It's only temporary. If you curl back up in your shell then you could revert back to PMO. I don't think you or anyone else here in this community wants that to happen. So you're gonna have to pick yourself up and move on in life and keeping improving yourself and doing you.
     
    Bowcaster likes this.
  9. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    We need to develop muscles that can withstand disappointment, which sucks and is really hard. When you feel like curling up, go find the one who's always glad to see you. And face another day tomorrow.
     
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