First time in my life achieving 30 days goal only with self-control

I have written the story of my life many times, so I'll summarize it:

• I'm from Argentina.
• I started watching porn when I was 13.
• I had serious problems to communicate with people, even with my family.
• I used to be extremely selfish. I only cared about myself.
• The only 2 time in my life that I stopped watching porn was when I served as a religious missionary and when I had to work in a nearby city for two months (we rented this house that didn't had enough beds so I had to share my bed with a coworker). But in both times I wasn't watching porn because I couldn't, not because I didn't want to.
• Every time I returned home, I relapsed.
• This March I asked for help and I was recommended to install anti-porn filters, so I found this website.

How did I feel when I used porn?

• No self steem.
• Dirty.
• Worthless.
• Sickly selfish and arrogant.
• Mad.
• Sad.
• Anxious.
• I couldn't have an entire week without doing something VERY stupid (I mean, everyone makes mistakes, but I was doing these mistakes on purpose, and they were big, I hurted many people).

How did I feel when I wasn't using porn because I couldn't?

• Happier.
• Stronger.
• More self-sufficient.
• More confident.
• With more energy.
• I was more attractive (my firsts times when I felt that I liked to women were in these times, of course, my first date wasn't as a missionary as you can't date girls in that time)
• Wanting to try a little bit of porn again.
• Frustration.
• Guilty (strong feeling).

In March I came home again (with my parents) and I couldn't stop watching porn and masturbating. I was so ashamed. I needed to tell someone (when I was a missionary I told to my leaders about my past, they didn't condemned me so it helped a lot). I told to my bishop and he said "There's nothing exciting about watching a video about a vagina and a penis. That's not love, it's a lie".

After failing many times. I was reading my scriptures (they are very important for me) and I realised that, more important than worring about porn alone was worring about who was I becoming into. I wrote WHO I WANT TO BE. I have those descriptions in my laptop's wallpaper.
Then I made a system about rewarding those attitudes and punishing bad behaviours (I described it in past posts).

But summarizing it, what have I done to make this streak ONLY with will power?

• Rewarded me for every day and every week I wasn't PMO'ing.
  • Reading articles from "Success stories" helps a lot also.
• Read articles about the relation between love and sex.
• Studying about the sexual organs (this helps a lot).
• Tell someone I trust about my problem (that's a breaking point)
• Recognize my weak hours/places and avoid them (I don't use my phone until it's 12:30 PM).
• Don't fall into small temptations (like looking at women provocatively dressed).
• Be grateful for every day I'm free from porn.

How do I feel now?

• Happier.
• Stronger.
• More self-sufficient.
• More confident.
• With more energy.
• I feel love more naturally towards me, life, people and women.
• I don't feel I need porn in any way.
• I don't see sex as something only for pleasure, I see it as something to express true love between two persons (and not to express towars a screen).

YOU CAN DO IT. ONLY ASK YOURSELF "DO I REALLY WANT TO QUIT PORN?". That's the most important question. I have been battling against porn for more than 8-9 years just to realize that I never wanted to quit porn, I was just lying to myself.

These articles helped so much to me (they are religious, but I think everyone can benefit from them, even if you don't believe in God):
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org.../four-truths-about-love-and-marriage?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org...e-divine-purposes-of-sexual-intimacy?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org...ng-to-see-sexuality-as-a-sacred-gift?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org...-a-positive-perspective-of-sexuality?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org...feelings-with-the-lords-expectations?lang=eng

NOW I'M GOING FOR THE 90 DAYS CHALLENGE. SEE YOU IN THE 60 DAYS REPORT.

 

Thanks man! Of course I could. I'm not in service anymore but I think I can help.

These are things that help me to have a better and more full life. I try to live them everyday:

• Faith in Jesus Christ (In latin language, we can find in the Bible the word "fides", which means "trust" so faith in Jesus is trust in Jesus. Trust that He is Almighty, trust that He can heal us, trust that he can fully understand us).
• Study the Holy Scriptures (Reading about God and Jesus Christ helps me to understand their nature, therefore I can trust in them more easily).
• Repentance every day (helps to focus on what have I done good today and what can I do better).
• Have a spiritual leader (because different points of view help me to have a less narrow vision of life). I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I highly recommend our missionaries but of course I'm glad for every person that accepts to live within God's standarts in any church.
• Make goals and be accountable to God (if you don't believe in God, you can be accountable to anyone, but it's very important to be accountable, because goals make you improve, but accountability makes your improving rate higher).
• Love. It's hard, but it's very necessary (love God, love your neighbour, love yourself, love the world, and more important, act accordingly).
• Accept that you are imperfect, don't be too hard with yourself, but also demand yourself to do more.

"It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." -Mosiah 4:27

 

In the beggining it was too hard. I'm trying this challenge since March and I have never been able to go 14 days. Usually I failed like 2 times a week, so you can make the maths of how many relapses I have. Any way, I learned from every relapse, I studied myself to know why do I do the things I do and what should I do/avoid in order to achieve my goals. It helped me a lot to have apps that blocked my phone in the mornings, but every app has failures, so I relapsed many times doing tricks to avoid those apps.

About my bishop, haha, yeah he is quite direct. He has been baptized just 6 years ago so he knows about sins.

I trust in you, you can do it! If you need anything you can send me a message!

 

Yeah, in the beggining I didn't understand this. I know how it feels, take cold showers, go make excercise, just to have a relapse the next day. It's hard. You can't understand what's happening. You ask yourself "I'm doing exactly what this people do. Why can't I hold myself!?". The thing is that in fact, you don't want to quit. I you'd want to quit PMO you'd do whatever it takes, you would stop doing exactly what you LOVE to do. For example, I had to uninstall instagram, stop using my phone in the morning (and blocking it), stop using my laptop in my bedroom when I'm alone, etc. It's so hard because you like those social media, you like those games that you play, "it doesn't matter if my game has this girl character that turns me on", but only when you WANT to quit, you do it, you stop using them, you uninstall them.

If yo do it and still nothing works but you really want to quit, you'd end selling/giving away/smashing your phone/laptop/tablet/tv.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have this % of commitment, I'm not there yet. I'm working on myself still.