First time making it to 30 days PMO free in 13 years!

Been addicted to PMO for 24 years since I was 8 years old. I always hated it and wanted to stop. Many times I planed to stop before my next major life phase. For instance, when in middle school I would tell myself I would stop before starting high school.

Before heading to college my senior of high school I did manage to totally quit PMO for a little over a year. When I relapsed after that I felt totally defeated. I wanted to be free of this addiction but it dominated me through college and graduate school. Since my relapse after a year free it has been a very long and hard 12 years. I have tried quitting many many times in the last 12 years. But I've rarely made it more than a week, almost never 2.

I have been in therapy for the last year. It has helped me to see that I have used lust to avoid and disassociate from reality that is painful to me. Even though I knew and believed my lust to be wrong, I felt justified in turning to it because of my pain.

During the last month I feel like I have finally begun breaking through adolescents and feel myself becoming the man I always wanted to be. My breakthrough was in finally being able to deeply own my own lust, to confess that it was unjustifiable and wrong and was my own choice, and to repent of it as deeply continuously and frequently as I can.

When I did this I found a huge backlog of emotions that I had been suppressing with PMO and lust. I am committed to find more healthy, more holy, ways of handling the pain that I have experienced from others, and pain I have brought on myself as a result of my own sin.

I credit my relationship with Jesus as my Lord for helping me begin to overcome this addiction. When I was able to have this breakthrough and deeply own and confess my behavior and repent of my sin I began to experience a forgiveness and love from Jesus that began to take away my shame.

I have felt like a dirty and unworthy person for so long, I have felt unlovable for so long. I am seeing, and beginning to trust more and more, that that is not at all how God sees me. When I repent and feel His forgiveness my shame melts away. This is ending the horrible cycle of PMO for me. My shame is one of the primary pains of reality that I turn towards lust to help me avoid and disassociate from. Since I have found confession and repentance to "come to terms with" my sin and shame my urges to turn to PMO and lust have lessened a lot, but not gone away entirely.

In addition to therapy and deepening my relationship with Jesus I have been practicing "urge surfing" and Wim Hoff breathing and cold showers. Urge surfing is a really interesting concept and I have been using it for all negative emotions not just physical urges to heighten my awareness of what I am experiencing, realize it will pass and doesn't control me, and re wire my brain that I have trained to avoid for so long. Highly recommend checking urge surfing out.

Wim Hoff has helped me to confront my anxiety head on. I realize I face so much diffused anxiety and worry throughout the day that I don't even realize I am at near panic levels most of the time, and there is nothing specific I can point to causing it. Wim Hoff is about building tolerance by intentionally putting your body in anxiety causing situations through hyperventilating and cold exposure. It has helped me learn to face anxiety head on and built up my tolerance I lot. Also after a month I have learned to really love cold showers and look forward to them every day now.

I know its just 30 days. But for me that is a massive breakthrough. I am committed to NEVER returning to PMO again. In just 30 days my relationships with my family have really improved. I started dating. I joined a small group. I feel like life is moving forward again, like I can live again.

Come, Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit grant us more of your holiness and wholeness. And more of your Father's love.