First time posting

So, I'm 46. The first time I saw a Playboy, I was 9. The image is burned into my mind. I remember even then, being drawn to the images and then very anxious about what I was doing. I also remember the first hardcore image I saw. It too was in a relative's stash. It was a slick book. I remember the plastic smell of the book/magazine. These things are burned into my brain. Porn has continued to be a problem all through my adult life. PMO with the addition of anti-depressants has caused delayed ejaculation for me for some time. It is a bad pattern. I can't come with my wife, therefore I eventually use porn to get there. The issue is so bad that I have had to resort to porn that even a few years ago, I would never have looked at.

Using nofap, I managed 12 days...no PMO....none. That was big for me. Was with my wife last night. Couldn't get there. Couldn't believe it. Told her what I was doing. She's supportive. We have struggled around my porn issues on and off in our 15 year marriage. This isn't a surprise to her. I caved today. I will say I felt really good over the past 12 days. My OCD/depression and anxiety were better. I saw one person said doing this pattern is self hate. It makes sense. That and I want the orgasm experience so much. It is like the best anti-depressant. Time to start over. Just know that each of you isn't alone. I've been in the woods longer than many of you have been alive. It's not an easy thing to escape from. You think it is helping you or you love it, until the day that you realize that you aren't just using it. You are addicted to it. I'm so glad that there is a forum for people to talk about their struggles. Keep trying guys. Don't give up the fight. I believe in the end, it is going to be worth the work.