Flatlineing...I think (and then some ranting)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ThunderWings386, Aug 21, 2019.

  1. ThunderWings386

    ThunderWings386 Fapstronaut

    I don't know much about flatlineing but I'm going to assume it's what I feel right now. Feeling like anything and everything in your life is not interesting, feeling like all your energy is drained and you're just a husk, in the meantime your brain just wants to go back to porn or at the very least just wants to do something just to get the dopamine levels back up. Truth be told, when I tried doing this withdrawal in the past, right around this point was when I would cave in. I caved because I hated feeling like this, I felt that it's better to cave in and feel better or "normal" than to continue fighting and feel like crap.

    I know a lot of people say "you can do it" "this will get better...trust me" yadayadayada and while I'm not saying they're wrong, I'm just saying that I wish they'd make it sound like it's so simple sometimes. When I tried quitting while I was in my summer classes for college (which ended a few weeks ago), I was going through the flatline and I caved then. Why? because I wasn't going to risk my school work take a hit because of this curse, I needed to make a choice and I don't care if I choose wrong.
    For one, self improvement wasn't even what got me started on this whole thing, it was my laptop's hard drive crashing. I quit because I saw this new hard drive as a chance for me to start fresh and new, self improvement didn't come until much later.

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm even improving myself because I, for the most part, learned to live with my addiction pretty well. The misery, frustration, and disappointment was difficult to live with but I got used to it (mostly). I was always able to separate porn from reality which I believe is partially due to the fact that I've always been somewhat resistant to it, like I'd embrace it but there was always that one part of me deep within that prevented me from the porn-addiction from taking complete control of my brain.

    Admittedly, the biggest mistake I made with this addiction was to associate watching lesbian sex with the moments in my life where I had nothing to do. No joke, I'd have moments where I'm just doing stuff on the internet and then I get bored, can't find anything else to do until one day my brain goes "hey about lesbian porn? never a dull moment there." This lead to my addiction filling in the "dead zones" in my life, where there was nothing going on at all. It's ironic because when I would watch porn in the "dead zones", which was always, I'd then finish and think "wow...I just wasted so much time." Pornography was the one thing in my life that was never the same experience twice, it was always different and that's one of the things I desired most, something in my life that wasn't always the same.
    nsb2019 likes this.

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