Focused

On day three. Still at Base Camp.

 

WHO WILL JOIN ME FOR THE CLIMB??? Getting ready for the climb at base camp. I am preparing by understanding the four steps to rewire my brain from a book called Brain Lock. Relabel, Reframe, Refocus and Revalue. I have defined these steps in my journal in the forum 40+. These are the steps that will help to push me up the mountain.

Will anyone join in the climb and be an Accountability Partner along the way? Pack up because I start the ascent as soon as I reach day 5. I am getting butterflies thinking about the journey.

Who will join me (?) because it to the summit or bust!!

 

At Khumbu Icefall ! It's Sunday. I thought about some things today. Things I wanted to be. Things I wanted for myself. Be a better manager, co-worker and husband.

One of the things about PMO is the focus on myself. After failing so many times and trying to change so many times I understand that all of the attention of me is on me. It is time to look outside of me. It is not about me.

That is what I want to dedicate this week to - thinking about others. I have surrendered so many times in the struggle to quit PMO that I now going to surrender to something good - It's not about me!

 

Off to work. Thinking about the week and all of the challenges. A busy week ahead.

 

Yes day 7! I listened to the radio on the way home and they were asking for song suggestions for motivation. This was suggested: Surrounded + This is how I Fight My Battles by Upper Room.

This is how I fight my battles.
It may look like I am surrounded but I'm surrounded by you
...

Very powerful song.

Fight, but don't fight alone! You have an advocate.

 

Posting early in the morning before work. All good for now. Off to the gym to workout.

 

Still climbing. Made eight days and am happy about that.

I was starting to feel a little anxious thinking about tomorrow. Why? Well I have this presentation. Do I think I have to be perfect? Do I have a fear of failure? Not sure.

Let me share something that I wrote in 2015.

Good-bye My Lover


You and I have been together for many years. I don’t know the exact day that we met because you seemed to materialize without me directly seeking you. I didn’t see you beside me, but there you were and I felt I needed you. From that day on you were with me.

We walked together over the same path many times. There were times that I tried to run from you. I ran as fast as I could but you always caught up or I turned around and ran back to you. There were times that I loved you although most of the time I didn’t love you at all, I just needed you. There were times that I kept you at a distance for a week or two, but then something would happen and you would be right by my side again. You have been with me since my childhood and you have grown older with me. Always, from shame or guilt of our relationship, I kept you to myself.

Over the years you changed your appearance many times. Oh, you were still the same underneath that disguise but you changed for me. When I would get bored you changed into something more intriguing. You always knew what to do.

At one point in our relationship you even introduced me to your relative, alcohol. I loved your relative as much as I loved you. You were such a pair. Unfortunately, your relative brought negative physical changes to me and the closer I got the more depressed I became. As a matter of fact, if I stayed friends with your relative longer I would have died. So, I had to say good bye. You, on the other hand, are so devious that society will not even acknowledge your existence. Sexual addiction remains mostly unspoken or a joke too many. As such, you are free to make more and more new lovers, who are almost always unaware of your insidious nature.

After saying good bye to your relative alcohol, I kept in close contact with you because I needed you even more, and you were only too happy to give me more. That was part of your plan, too give me more. You, I have recently found out work in a very intriguing way. You attach yourself to something pleasurable then cause me to increase my tolerance to you. You even used chemicals that my brain produces naturally to ensure that I stay with you. You made me crave your company.

I say good bye to you now, forever. I understand now that you never really go far though. I may say good bye, but I know that you will hide in the well-worn path that we have created. I also understand that the more I ignore you when you call out to me, and you will call out to me, the weaker you get just like your relative alcohol. It will be painful at first and you will yell and scream loudly for me to take you back. Your protests will soon begin to fade and there will be a day that I don’t think of you at all. You have wasted enough of my time. I fully understand your true nature now and I reject you.



Love Letter[1]

Dear Mood-Altering Chemicals, a certain

toxic man, and my sweet addiction,

I am saying good-bye to you.

All of you. Forever.

Because I know that if I use

or take

or drink

just one of you

just once

I will use you till I die.


Goodbye My Lover[2]

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judge’s frown?

‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,

Yes, I saw that you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So, I took what’s mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,

I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well. I know your smell.

I’ve been addicted to you.


Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.



[1] In Detox Hazelton, May 1989, USA Weekend, February 15-17, 1991

[2] Words from: Goodbye my Lover, James Blunt, back to bedlam, 2005

 

I will be on my way to work soon. Just woke up. Yesterday I didn't go to the gym as planned. I wanted to read. Today I will be going to workout. This is the way I think about working out. First - show up Second - even if I do not have a lot of time I can get 20 minutes in.

So I am done with PMO. My life has changed. That is a big declaration given the fact that it will never leave. It is a part of everyone on line. So what is the difference between those on-line and those not? We want something better. Deep down we know that PMO is not right. Not the right way to live. Yet society goes along and every thing is okay. pornography is no big deal - that is what you are being fed. Follow the money - It is a big deal and the evil that is in the world perpetuates it. That is bullshit! We are made for so much more than Porn. We are so much mare than we even realize.

Be more today.

 

Finished work and came home to write.

Feeling very good in progress. I have not been tempted to PMO. I wrote in a different part of Nofab my plan, which is what I will use when an urge strikes. The steps are Relabel, Reframe, refocus and revalue. I fould this in a book called Brain Lock. I also saw in an article on how to rewire your brain. So that is plan A.

Thinking about it i thought about what if Plan A is not working, then I need a plan B. So I now have a plan B and C.

Plan B is a Cold Shower. That should cause a reset. If not pneumonia (lol). No really a cold shower. I have read about this in the Nofab community. So If my plan A is not working then it's plan B for me! No doubt. Now if that also fails then I will go out and walk. I will walk until I am exhausted if I have to. The bottom line is that I am committed to success and nothing else but complete abstinence will be acceptable.

Abstinence does not mean a complete avoidance of sex. If you are married like I am then sex is not the problem. PMO is the problem.

There is no other way. Pornography is a bane on our society. There is a nothing good in it. There is no worth to it. It objectifies people and makes us slaves to it. I am done. I refuse to be a slave to pornography. Never again. Never again. Never again.

 

Morning. I will be at Camp I later today. All is well and I have met the challenges of the week.

Listening to Upper Room as I write this. "Here we are again to say we love you. Here we are again. We really love you Jesus." "Our voices are like sweet incense. Here I am again just as I am to say I love you."

That is what is so great about Jesus. Accepting us as we are. ... as I am. ... I am so grateful.
Have a good day.

 

Yea! 10 days. Feels good. Very long day today at work. A very good week at work. Looking forward to the weekend.

Thank you Jesus for the day..

 

At Camp I and it is the end of the work week.

In the past I have been tempted to PMO when my circumstances changed. I could have an upcoming busy week or i was stressed by work. I could have had an urge triggered by a project due or a due date. When the urge strikes I know that that is a spiritual attack. When that happens I cannot focus. I cannot seem to do the next thing. I cannot think. My Brain is in a fog and I get totally immobilized.

Then I think to myself I need to watch P. When that happens and I give in and watch then my life spirals out of control. There have been times when I am in this state that I look up and three hours have gone by. Then I would force myself to O in a certain amount of time. I would then be in a crisis for days, weeks and even months. I was exhausting.

If pornography is not a drug then I do not know what is. It is the drip, drip drip of Dopamine.

Over the last couple of years, after years of fighting this, that the crisis's have gotten further apart. Why? Because I have tried so many things to stop the behavior. So that is where I am having my current success ... from all of those past victories.

I write that I am committed to a new way of living because I am. I know that there is nothing but death on the other side. I know that repenting and turning away from sin is the only way. I know that Jesus is the only way. That said others in other religions also have their path and there way. All of those paths lead away from sin and toward God.

There is no other way. Find the way and stay on the path. Find freedom.

 

It's Friday after work and I wanted to get right to posting. I think it is important to keep involved and keep committed.

This is something I read & wrote in the past:

The Good News!! Our brains are Plastic.

“When we learn something new, neurons fire together and wire together (MAP) and a chemical process occurs at the neuronal level called ‘Long Term Potentiation’ (LTP), which strengthens the connections between the neurons" I am not sure where I read this. (mine- using a darker pencil when drawing the MAP).

When the brain unlearns associations and disconnects neurons, (mine- really good news!) another chemical process occurs, called ‘Long Term Depression’ (LTD) (this has nothing to do with a depressed mood state).

"Unlearning and weakening connections between neurons is just as plastic a process (Hurray!!!), and just as important as learning and strengthening them.”

____________

So back to now. When I read that I am encouraged because what it says you can unlearn habits and relearn new habits. So in an earlier post here or on 40+, I wrote about the 4 steps of relabel, reframe, refocus and revalue (from a book called Brain Lock). So when we refocus we are learning and strengthening new habits. Good habits!

You and I will never be able to go back and erase what we have done in PMO, or sex addiction, but we can let it go and begin again. You and I can begin again. You and I can have a life that does not include PMO.

I posted before about a song i listened to on youTube called Surrounded. It is very uplifting and when I am there listening to Surrounded I can see and listen to the other similar songs from the UPPER ROOM. It is so inspiring and it would be worth your time to look for it.

That is good news and a good way to end the week.

 

This is a posting on how I finish my thoughts about MAPS.

What my brain is not; it is not my soul and it is not one giant MAP. A stimulus (trigger) of ‘feeling different’ of ‘abuse’ and of ‘suppressing my emotions and feeling’, in childhood (Critical Period) resulted in an initial MAP as a way of escape. My MAP involved sexual pleasure from masturbation in the form of fantasy and reading sexually explicit parts of books.

The Map, now made, was reinforced with repetition. Dopamine was released causing pleasure and tolerance to increase. Pornography was then introduced in early teens (magazines) and adulthood (XXX movies, Videos, DVD’s), which met the demands of increased tolerance. Ever more explicit images were found to meet the increase tolerance and to derive more pleasure.

While seeking ‘a new high’, images of sadomasochistic scenes were mixed together with pleasure and forgotten or repressed memories to form an even more complex MAP. That together with my competitive nature (I win, I must be first and take risks) and increased tolerance brought me to act-out in S&M. I took my repressed rage and despair and ‘reworked’ it to where I win and eroticize my agony.

So why do I have a conflict? The reason is because my brain is not just one map. I have thousands of maps; school maps, work map, family maps, relationship maps, love maps, religion maps, value maps…. All of these maps are in conflict with what I will call the ‘S&M pleasure map’. In addition, all of these maps were always in conflict with the ‘illicit’ prefix of the ‘pleasure map’ while it was moving from one stage to the next (‘fantasy masturbation pleasure map’, ‘adult book pleasure map’, ‘XXX pleasure map’ , ‘DVD pleasure map’, …).

What’s next? No feeding the currently fading ‘S&M pleasure map’, changing the prefix of the ‘pleasure map’ that aligns with the other maps. Develop new ‘pleasure maps’ (Refocus, from the four stages of rewiring your Brain) that fulfill competitive and creative spirit.

 

I suggested prayer to someone yesterday and I am not sure that was the right thing for them. What do I mean by that? Prayer is something you find ... inside of yourself. It is not external. It does not come from outside of yourself.

The thing about prayer is that it is inside of you. It is more than a desire or feeling. It is something that is within you that connects you to the universe. Prayer connects you to others. It is something that connects you to God. It is like an invisible connection with the universe. A connection to God that is always present but not always perceived.

When I give into temptation it makes prayer impossible. It is as if the darkness blinds you to light. The light does not go away. It has not vanished. PMO fills me with darkness. When I am in a crisis I am in darkness. It is only when I crash and when I am broken that I can see the very small faint light in the darkness. That is Gods voice to you, to the universe. It says see me I am all around you. We are all wounded by the darkness in the world and we seek anything, anything other than God to fill that darkness that is around us and in us.

When I crash and am broken it is then that I cry out to the light, save me! God always answers. The light in and around me begins to grow. God's light, God's love is always there.

My prayer today is not that I never PMO again. That is to constricting. My prayer is that from this day forward that I continue to pray always and that I do not become complacent. "God is light and in him there is no darkness at all. ..." 1 John 1:5-7. "This is the message that I have heard from him and declare to you ..."

If you are reading this consider becoming still and look for that light that is inside of you. That is all around you.

Contemplate God’s Love
Laugh, and laugh again.
Do not be sad, for sadness is dead. I have overcome it.
If you have stepped into darkness, step out! My light will brighten you.
There are no tears, only laughter. Embrace Me!
My love concurs all.
So laugh, and laugh again in your freedom.

 

Monday and the start of another week. Don't know about you but I never seem to sleep well on Sunday night. Thinking about Monday - even subconsciously. It should be a busy week but an ok week. But ... you cab never really tell until you are in it.

Halloween Wednesday - that should be fun. We did get a pumpkin this year and plan to make a jack-o-lantern.

The All Saints day on Thursday. Here is something that you may not know - we are all called to be Saints. I know what you are thinking. Really! I am on this website and you are telling me that we are all called to be saints. But, it's true. some of the Saints lives were anything but saintly prior to their repentance and conversion. Even then some of them struggled. Why? Because we are human. We have feelings and emotions and this thing called a brain, which can sometimes be our worst enemy.

Again the good news is that just like i and you programmed our brain to PMO to deal with emotional issues with pleasure we can rewire our brains to deal with issues in a different way, a non-addictive way. So don't count that Saint stuff out just yet. It's not over.

 

Absolutely. We are on our way.

 

Great day! A little tired from getting up early. It is going to be a great week.

It's a process.

 

Sleep and headache. Yesterday I had a headache in the afternoon and I did not sleep well the night before. Not sure why but when listening to Greg from Greg gains (NOFAB - Youtube) he said that during the first six months of nofab you may get sick 1-2 times. Must be the body's reaction to the change. For me most change has been excellent and I have felt excellent except for the headache and poor sleeping.

I do fell great now though and I am ready to concur the day.

Let me share with you where I have had success in the past and a reaction that was interesting. I have had some success in the past with long periods of noFAB. Two or three times at 90 days+. Someone may say - you had 2-3 times with that kind of success and you found yourself back into it? Yes, that is what happened.

It occurs when you are feeling very good and prideful. I have this thing licked. As a matter of fact I know that I can watch a little soft P and not have an issue. WRONG! I cannot. You cannot. Soon after watching soft P you will want something a little whatever ... just for a few minutes. Then 5 minutes leads to 30 to 60 to 120 to 240 and all the while PMO. Then you feel guilty, then shame, regret which leads to depression. Then the next day PMO, and the next and the next. Soon you are in a crisis with no way out. That is why you and I can never, NEVER, NEVER consider watching anything that will cause you to regress.

This is why I am committed to change. This is why every day I come here and write. And this is why I will reach total freedom.

This is what I have learned. Tomorrow I will write about a reaction that was interesting that may have happened to you also. Now, I have to go to work.