It's Friday and I have been debating on weather or not to go and see The Girl in the Spider's Web. I have seen the other Lisbeth Salander movies and read the books. This is what I am afraid of - a trigger. That said they are good thriller movies. I think that I have made up my mind to see it so I will need to see it with new eyes and be on guard for Deceptive Brain Messages after - even days after. I had this thought today. I am just struggling through the work week. Sometimes my job is interesting but most of the time it is just mind numbing. It is day to day drudgery.
There were no triggers for me in the movie The Girl in the Spider's Web. However, I was willing to chance it and that is where the problem is. I was willing to risk my sobriety to PMO for a movie that I thought may have been a problem. Turns out that the movie was more of a thriller without the sexual scenes from past Lisbeth Salandar movies. It is Day 25, which means I advanced another level in the climb. Not sure which one and I do not want to get out of the post to look. This is what I have noticed with my work. I have been less organized and I have spent less time planning. I have gotten things done and solved some problems. That said it is different. I don't know about you but this is how a usual pattern went for me. I would have some success with sobriety from PMO and sometimes even as much as 90 days. Then there would be a trigger from something and I would go into a crisis. During that crisis time I would spend hours each day edging while i watched porn. Eventually I would have an orgasm after many hours. This would then repeat either later that day or the next day for days, weeks ... Then I would get so low that I would stop, mainly because of exhaustion & depression. Then when I recovered I may go into a manic stage and work extremely hard. During this recovery phase I would read and look for ways to beat pornography. I have learned a lot from reading and I have learned much from trial and error and that is why I am disappointed in myself for taking the chance on a trigger situation. However, instead of getting down on myself, as I usually do, I choose to look at the good. I am having success and I have reached 25 days!
I am going to share something with you that is very intimate today. Why today and why you are reading this now, on your PC, Tablet or Phone, and in this moment will become clear to you by the end of this short real story. Purpose One thing occurred that I just have to write about. “Hello Ma” was what I heard as I sat in a chair while waiting with my mother in an Emergency Room. I looked up and there was a dark skinned Indian man standing at the doorway of the room. “You will leave here because God is not through with you”. He said this with a smile and with confidence. He held a small notebook in one hand and his face was framed by a pair of dark rimmed glasses. His white teeth smile was very much in contrast to his dark complexion. He continued to talk as my mother smiled and looked at him. My eyes looked back and forth between my mother and this man. They were both smiling. I was trying to figure out who he was. I was not sure if he was a doctor and I looked at his name badge I saw that he was a hospital Chaplin. ”You are here today for a purpose, so God it not through with you.” He almost shouted this out as he continued to smile. He also looked from my mother to me and back again. My heart lifted with each word as he spoke. My mother replied “Yes he does”. “Do not worry about yesterday, because it is in the past”. He continued as my mother shook her head in agreement. “You cannot change anything about yesterday can you?” My mother nodded in agreement. “Do not worry about tomorrow because you have no control over the future”. They were both smiling and I also began to smile. “God has a purpose for you and that is why you are here today.” As he spoke this he almost willed us to agree with him. Then I realized that was the purpose. His words were the purpose. The words he spoke so confidently were the purpose of the day. That moment was what God wanted my mother to hear. That moment was what God wanted me to hear. That moment was what God wanted that man to say. God wanted to speak the truth to us at that very moment. What was that truth? Do not worry about yesterday. Do not worry about tomorrow. God has a purpose for you and for your life. You do not know what that purpose is. All you have to do is be confident that God has a purpose for you in every circumstance. It does not matter what that circumstance is, where you are at a particular moment in time or how you got there. Now, at this very moment God has a purpose for you. ----------------- This moment is what God wanted you to hear. PMO brought you here, to read this today at this moment. My prayer for all of us is that we find our true purpose and live it. You may fail in your endeavor to stop PMO anytime soon, but keep trying. Never stop trying to live the life that you were born to live, with purpose!
Very early in the morning on Sunday. Having weird dreams about past job that I left over a year ago. seems like I am trying to work something out. All I know is that it does not make me fell good. It makes me feel like I failed, which I did not. It was just time for me to move on at that point in my life and career. My current job is okay. Just Okay. I took it as a last job. A job I would have before I retire. This will probably be my last year there. So at this point I am just looking to get through. What makes the current situation not okay is that I am very goal driven. I need to have goals outside of work. Here is a random list of those goals. 1. Eat Healthier 2. Exercise more than I have been. I usually exercise about 2 days per week. This needs to increase. 3. ? So there is the problem. I don't have something that interests me as a goal. I have done woodworking in the past so maybe I should pick that up again.
Monday. Looking to get through the week with some productivity and advancing some projects. Not to much to write about today. Did things around the house this weekend. I will be reaching 30 days this week and that will be fantastic.
Bored? You have to be willing to be bored or level. Did you ever notice the high you get when you PMO! Drugs. Dopamine is a drug and when released it is exhilarating. When you edge it is drip, drip, drip,... of dopamine. Nice - an internal drug system. Problem. Dopamine. Sooner or later you have to come down. Then you come way down. Life goes on. I need dopamine. Then you need more dopamine and the only way to get it is to look at P that is a little bit different - edgier. Then drip, drip, drip. Next day - Drip, drip, drip, ... On and on and on. Crash - recover - more - crash - recover - more .... During this process you are suddenly an addict, just like alcohol, just like cocaine, just like ... Oh, but this is different. Sex and the kind of sex you are watching = shame = secrets. We are only as sick as our secrets. Crash - more - crash - more - crash -more, more, more, more... Toast. Suddenly your mind is toast. Each time you want to quit. Each and every time you want to quit. But you cannot quit. More, more, more ... Seems ridiculous when I see this written out. Doesn't it? It's all true and more. Then one day you say OMG I need help. I need to stop. I have to stop. I have to stop. Never quit quitting. Never stop stopping. Never stop seeking a better life. A life that you were meant to live. Keep going. Keep stopping. Peace. ... be bored. It's okay.
It is only by grace that I have not had any overwhelming urges to PMO. Posting a message here 1-2 times per day has helped. It is like a habit. I look forward to it and it is not a bad habit. It allows me to think about the past and more importantly about the future. There are so many things that I cannot control at work. I have stopped trying to control so many things. Our modern world work has shifted. The ratios of employees is not so important as is the fact that the CEO's and COO's are getting huge undeserved bonuses. Companies are stocked with cash. Investment in infrastructure of companies is lacking and the number of people actually doing the work has decreased across the board, and I am expected to juggle many things. That is I dare to say Bull Shit. So I control what I can control. I take care of my health. And the company and the country will go the way it goes. Just make sure you are going in the right direction.
I will hit day 30 today. This is what I have noticed around day 30: 1) Confidence - okay, but can I have too much? Absolutely and that is scary since too much will cause a fall. 2) I have had a couple of occasions over the last few days of following a Deceptive Brain Message (DBM). This is a good time then to review the four steps - relabel, reframe, refocus and revalue. I use to use these at this first sign of a DBM. 3) I am not as organized at work and I am not planning. This concerns me. 4) Praying less. May I have the grace to pray more and to pray from the heart. I wrote this back in 2011. I am sharing this because this reflects on how I reached out and started my journey to recovery. Reflection I sit at my computer writing. It is the same place where I wrote The Secret and Found. I hesitated reading The Secret again because of fear that it would be too painful. I did read it again though and in the reading became aware of just how healed I am. I am so strong now and so myself. It is such a good feeling. What I wrote in those days of discovery amaze me. I feel so fortunate that I had the courage to make an appointment with the psychologist and that I took the time to work through the process. It was a difficult process of self discovery. I was able to look into myself and to understand what I was feeling. Not only did I learn to understand what I was feeling but why I was feeling the way I did. It went even deeper than that. What I felt so long ago was suppressed in behavior, blinded if you will. It was difficult seeing beyond my behavior, beyond what was visible to change. I had to find the questions and I had to find the answers. I did that! I found the questions and the answers. In doing so I found myself and the behavior disappeared gradually. Today I like myself and I still seek to understand. This understanding is seeking peace, calmness and serenity. I do this today by meditation. My journey to rid myself of addictions and seek answers has led me to meditation. I am writing this here in this group of writings as closure. It is part of the process of suffering, seeking, finding, healing and reflection. I have arrived and the world, which was once clouded by pain, rage and anger, is now bright beyond anything I could have imagined.
Well that is what I did write. Now I know I am flattening. I have no motivation. I am very disorganized. I am extremely tired and I am depressed. I made day 30 but I am in trouble. I see a panic button at the top of the page. Am I supposed to press that. Not sure what happens if I press. I am very down and I don't know what to do. I am slipping and I know it. I am so very tired.
Felling better this morning. Prayed for the grace to continue. I will be focusing on one project over the next couple of days. Just show up and keep moving forward - that is half the battle.
Still very tired. The weather has a lot to do with that. I struggle through the work week. I have to get some exercise. No better time than now. Out.
I did have some challenging days this week. Toward the end of the week I was able to get a little bit more focused. I have a long way to go before I can get organized at work again. However, i will continue in that endeavor. Last night I was able to get 8 hours of sleep and that was fantastic. This makes me feel so much better today. I do have some goals for next week. It is a short week before Thanksgiving so let me see if i can do these three goals from now until Thursday. 1) Get calendar up to date for next week, starting Monday 2) Plan projects for each day, starting today - and complete! 3) Exercise each day, starting today 4) Drink 8 glasses of water each day, starting today. So that is it, four simple goals. No more goals to be set - just these. On Friday I will determine new goals. But for today and this week these are all the goals I need. Sometimes the best success you can have is to just get out of your own way. Get out of your head.
A very good day yesterday and I accomplished everything that I set out to do. Today is Sunday. Church. Work outside. Do some planning for next week. Drink 7-8 glasses of water. Things are going well.
Start of a new work week. Things have been going great. I have been doing the four goals that I set in post 53. The best thing is that I have been getting 8 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. I am on day 34 and that is amazing. I still get a thought of PMO or BDSM every now and then but I do not follow that thought. I recognize it as a Deceptive Brain Message and let it go. One week ago I was flat lining but I have worked through that with grace. I have also increased prayer. So very good outcomes and I am happy.
Wow 35 Days! I am definitely feeling the positive effects. I was worried a week ago because I felt so bad. I was tired, depressed and not motivated. That was a flat line. I am so proud of myself for working through that. Now I set very moderate goals, which I am sticking to and I am exercising every day and drinking 7-8 glasses of water per day. Along with prayer I will keep this routine into the future. In the back of my mind I feel that there is another flat line in the future. This can be expected, bt I know that I can work through it.
Knowing It was first felt That knowing Run, Run, Run, ... RUN! Stop There was a peace in the knowing It all made sense All of it That knowing An ache stopped. A race stopped. A lightness The world stopped spinning for a moment. There was clearness in the space. That knowing It wasn't anything to be learned. There was no race to be won. I have arrived, without racing, without learning That knowing This where I have arrived after 36 days. I am in a different place than when I started. Imagine walking through the woods. Each step is a struggle. Sometimes you loose the path and then find it again. Sometimes you loose the path entirely and blindly looking for a marker. Any marker. You walk alone. You are looking for help but you can find none. In the next moment you are in a clearing, which is free of trees and shrubs. Wildflowers are all around you and the sun is the most glorious thing. Natural meadows usually occur after a disaster. The forest is broken down. An area of lightness takes its place. That is where I am. That is where you can find me.
I am thankful for the metaphorical meadow that I am in now. For me this is a place and time for healing. As life events are all around me and I traverse through daily activities I am being renewed. On this Thanksgiving day I am thankful for that.
It's early and I am just getting ready for work. Looking for a good day at work. Looking forward to watching football tomorrow.
