For all the " Am i gay / bi guys ? "

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Habbapop, Sep 9, 2020.

  1. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    Supp forum, seen ALOT of threads about guys thinking they are gay / bi cous they are looking at shemale or gayporn.


    I thouth we could make a thread about this topic and let all the ppl that have had this problem before or have it right now share how the progress is and how to get away from it.
    Have been down the rabithole myself and it is not pritty. And i know the shame, confusion, dissorder and the dopamine rush that comes with it. My goto after a relapse is ALWAYS shemale porn. I alway end up there when i relpase and gayporn to.
    It has made me act out with guys IRL, nothing that i regret cous now i know im not gay or bi. But right then and there, down in that dark black rabbithole it fucked with my head really good. And i hope this thread can save some off you guys from visiting that dark place.

    So to the short awnser, NO you are not gay or bi cous you watch gay / bi / shemale porn. It is 99% chance that it is your addiction trying to pull you further down the rabbithole to get a stronger grip on you. Make you questioning your sexuallity, makeing you feel ashamed about yourself. And the solution is to stop watching porn, the further away you come from it, the less you will think about gay / shemale porn and have less and less gay / shemale fanatsies.

    If you are that 1% that is gay or bi for real, then there is nothing wrong with that. But quit porn and the true awnser will come. But TRUST ME on this one, if u relapse the urges for shemale and gay porn will come right back.

    It's like walking in snow, if you walk the same path over and over, It will be easy to walk there and you are more likley to walk that path then walking on a new one full off snow.

    If you stop walking there the snow will cover it up, but the problem with addiction is that if you walk there once, the road will get totaly cleard off snow after that one relapse. Or atleast that's the way for me.

    I hope this can shine some light on this comon problem and ease your mind from thinking you are gay or bi.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2020
  2. Stroketter

    Stroketter Fapstronaut

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    You need to quit the porn before you can decide your sexuality imo. Because it really screws with your mind when you're in it. Basically I thought I was bi because I never considered that you could be straight and fap while watching gay porn and cum. My porn addiction also led me to having sex with a guy and for me it was a big mistake and caused me problems because I'm 100% not gay. But that comes from feeling of shame that society puts on you as a man for not being masculine or whatever.

    Anyway when I quit porn I realised I'm not gay and eventually the sexual thoughts about guys (which I hated) stopped completely. I have since worked out that basically my brain saw gay porn as "wrong" because I'm NOT gay and so it was "taboo" and got me more excited than regular porn. No there's nothing wrong about being gay or gay porn but to my brain it was against my actual attractions and so "wrong". And yeah it was a rabbit hole and then a constant dopamine reinforcement and a cycle.

    So yeah hi I'm a dude and I fapped to gay porn and I had sex with a guy and I'M NOT GAY and this could be you too
     
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  3. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. Porn is the real demon here not ones sexuality. Steer clear of it and whatever you are will come clear in time. Then enjoy your freedom from the muddy mind of porn.
     
  4. determinedtoquit

    determinedtoquit Fapstronaut

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    As someone whose recovered from porn-induced HOCD, etc... I'll post three good points from a logical standpoint that may help someone look at their own situation with clarity, free from the noise of politics, news and social media and "ethics culture." I apologize in advance for mobile users.

    1. The thought of being gay gives you discomfort, makes you uncomfortable, triggers feelings of anxiety. This is normal and a good thing.

    (A) The idea of identifying as a gay man makes you extremely uncomfortable, and that's okay.
    • To be gay in our modern world is an identity, or an identifier. Examples of identifiers or ways to identify an individual could be that they have brown hair, blue eyes, dark skin, or a nickname such as "Bob"; all these are ways to identify someone. Would you want someone to be able to identify you with: "This person partakes in homosexual activity?" No? The sexual activity a person partakes is between themselves, their partner and God. Would you want someone to identify you as a porn addict?
    (B) You have watched gay porn before (and/or masturbated to it), but the actual thought of having sex with another man brings up feelings of disgust.
    • This is also 100% okay, because pornography is visual stimulation. Yes, porn can and does lead some people to replicate what they see in real life, but it is almost always reported as being not as satisfying performing the sex act as it is watching it. Anal sex is not a healthy sex act, in fact, it is actually destructive to the body. To think of anal sex in a logical way and conclude that it is strange, or even disgusting, is valid and appropriate.
    (C) Thinking about the possibility that you are sexually attracted to other men makes you feel anxious and depressed.
    • This is normal, and a huge part of it is your own ignorance, and the ignorance of others. Especially with the association of homosexuality to a person's identity, it is natural to feel depressed when these feelings arise. Many people may say such feelings are the result of "internalized homophobia" but I doubt there is such a thing. To be told that if you feel an attraction towards another man then you are gay rules out of the possibility of change, and change is the foundation of hope. This is not condemning homosexuality or those who have partaken in it- in fact, it is the opposite. Change is a cornerstone, if not the foundation, of hope. To tell someone they are incapable of change- that they will be in poverty forever / a sweatshop worker forever / a criminal forever / a porn addict forever / a homosexual forever- and they cannot change that, that is true condemnation; it doesn't matter if that ends with "and you're going to hell" or "I will always support you".

    2. "Sometimes I feel an attraction towards other men, what does this mean?" Here's the verdict: Attraction is not "inside of you." Attraction is the quality of a thing, or person.

    (A) Again, "attraction" is not in you, but it is associated with the quality of a thing outside of you.
    • Google defines attraction as: "the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something."
    • Dictionary.com says attraction is "a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature..."
    • The Cambridge dictionary defines attraction as "the feeling of liking someone, especially sexually, because of the way they look or behave."
    With this in mind- notice that the catalyst of attraction begins outside of a person. It is not an inward feelings that comes out, but a response. Sometimes when your body or mind responds to a situation in a strange or unusual way, and we try to figure out the why without wisdom- often times, we can run ourselves in circles because our understanding is flawed. When you have HOCD, or are sexually-preoccupied, things that do not have anything to do with sex can often go there because of our mental inclinations. Heterosexual men find the chest, hips, thighs, buttocks, legs, the hair, lips, eyes, and even feet, of a woman attractive; however, 99% of women have these things, but as a heterosexual man you don't find 99% of women desirable for sex. When a person is sexually-preoccupied it can often cause problems whether or not they realize it is a problem.
    You might have heard from a friend before that "they can't be friends with a pretty woman," often times this is because they allow the attraction to feel to translate into a desire for romantic or sexual pursuit.
    Everyone knows that as women can have attractive qualities, so can men. It is no mystery- as you will find men who will model their haircuts, clothing and stylistic choices after celebrities, it is because they find the qualities of those men that they model themselves after attractive. The problem with the individual who has HOCD, is when a situation of attraction arises, problems begin because the attraction has to mean something for the individual. So, for example, when gazing upon a bodybuilder a thought such as: "That guy has a great body," may be quickly followed by, "Why do I think that guy has a great body. It must be thinking this because I am attracted to him. Does this mean I'm gay?"
    These thoughts can then lead the individual to "test themselves" for example, with pornography or partaking in a homosexual act. If the "test" brings about arousal or pleasure, the individual can feel even more depressed because the arousal or pleasure affirms the confirmation bias about their own perceived homosexuality. However, this is illogical- the body is a sensory machine (for lack of better terms), your body reacts to stimulation, not out of intrinsic determinations of identity or attraction. If the latter were true, we would all be hand-sexual, or attracted to our own hands because our hands gives us pleasure when we masturbate with them.
    A person's appearance can give you pleasure. As we can extract pleasure from looking out at the sea on a boat, or gazing upon a garden of exotic flowers, a person's beauty can also give us pleasure, but that says almost nothing about ourselves and everything about that other person.

    3. Men too can have attractive qualities. This does not and should not change you, shape you or determine who you are or what you have to do with the life you were given.

    (A) Imagine this, you wake up one Sunday morning and it's beautiful outside, the sun is shining, the sky is blue. Outside of your bedroom window is a bird's nest perched on the branches of a tall cedar tree. Amazed, you gaze in wonder at the beauty of the chicks being fed by their mother. You think to yourself, "You know, I think I'd love to become a bird-watcher one day. These creatures are so magnificent."
    Only one week later, it's your fifth time in a row being woken up by the incessant, high-pitched chirps of birds that are so annoying, and you thank God that you didn't let the romance of that one moment on a sunny Sunday morning convinced you to take that bird-watching class because you can't stand these birds anymore.
    Attraction is not "inside" of us, nor is it unchangeable. Yes, it can shape your actions, but it doesn't have to. It's not by force. We have heard it a million times- a bad attitude can turn a pretty woman into an ugly sight. Perspective is key, as all it takes is new information to change the way we look at a thing.

    In conclusion, I have to end with the fact that I am a Christian (not Catholic; non-denominational), and it was only by repentance (which simply means "stop, think, turn the other way," it's not necessarily an apology, but the changing of your mind) that I actually found complete freedom from HOCD. I don't belong to a particular denomination or a religious group, but I am a follower of Christ Jesus and His teachings found in gospels written of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It was in Him I came to the understanding I have now. Nothing I wrote above was religious, simply factual. It was knowing that with faith in Him that my sins (error, missing the mark) are forgiven- that I could be born again in Christ... and that truly broke the burden of what the world told me I had to carry: because of the way I operated out of the understanding of a child- I had to be gay, and anything else is homophobia and wrong.

    You can be free of HOCD, or any unwanted sexual fetishes or obsessions. Human beings are malleable and we have free will. This is the apex of creation. We do not follow a code or system. We are not subject to our bodies. We are not animals. You can tell yourself not to eat. You can tell yourself not to reproduce. We have the freedom to choose and are given so by a loving God who is forgiving of error. By birth, he has given you something no other creation on Earth has: free will.

    You can choose to be free of HOCD. The question is, will you?
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2020
  5. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Shame, low self esteem, inferiority and anxiety are not pleasure.

    Feelings of self degradation, self disgust and self hate are not pleasure.

    Feeling forced to imagine extreme and completely contradicting scenarios into your head over and over and over again to prove to yourself that you don’t like it will only increase their power over you. You can truthfully say to yourself over and over that you’re not gay and that you don’t want to act out gay acts in real life and you know those statements are true. But the anxiety will continuously force you to play these scenarios in your head despite already telling yourself that you don’t like them. The anxiety doesn’t care about the truth, it just wants to hold you hostage and keep you in the cycle.

    You could have an amazing sexual thought about a girl and then instantly the anxiety will subconsciously force you to imagine the complete opposite scenario “just to make sure”.

    The anxiety and extreme spikes will completely disregard the negative feelings that these thoughts give you. Case in point, myself. I’ve had hocd for 2 years. Never acted out with a guy ever and never will, but in my peak of porn addiction I would always force myself to do extreme and dirty things to myself while watching porn. It never made me feel good afterwards, and it didn’t even make me feel good while I was doing it. It was simply the THOUGHT of doing it that set the brain and escalation off because it was so extreme and wrong. But once it actually got to acting the scenario out, it disgusted me and it felt incredibly forced and artificial.

    My brain kept telling me that I wanted to suck on a penis, despite not finding a single man attractive ever in my life, never having that feeling in public when I see men, never naturally looking at guys pants and never experiencing even the slightest bit of attraction or excitement when I’m around guys in change rooms or pools or anything. Now this thought only attacks me when I’m feeling anxious or down. Whenever I’m confident, happy or feel good about myself this thought is non existent.

    Unfortunately the other week I was getting attacked by this thought and forced myself to fill a condom up with toilet paper and mimic the extreme act. While doing it it felt like the most unnatural, weird and wrong feeling possible. I forced myself to go on with it and death gripped myself while doing everything possible to force myself to continue doing it. I looked in the mirror and did not recognise myself. I had never felt so distant from who I am. There was no sexual pleasure. No pleasurable stimulation. No sexual awakening that would suddenly prove all the hocd and extreme porn spikes right. Not even dirty extreme pornographic thoughts. There was literally just me forcing myself to do a pleasureless act that felt so unnatural and wrong to me. I felt numb, pathetic and pissed off at myself for even doing that in the first place. Afterwards I evaluated the situation and reaffirmed those feelings in a truthful talk to myself over just how unnatural and forced that act makes me feel.

    But despite this clear and obvious indicator that I don’t want to do extreme things, the anxiety continuously tried to rationalise it. “Oh but are you sure that you wouldn’t like it if it was the real thing”. “Just focus on it one more time and really tell yourself you don’t want to do it just one more time”. See how stupid this shit is? Despite feeling like proper shit over what I did to myself, the anxiety still wasn’t convinced. Despite literally experiencing every negative feeling in the world over a “safe” imitation of an extreme act, the anxiety still continues to force the question if I want to do it into my head. It completely dismisses the truth. Despite not having a single supporting factor in my head, because I’m constantly giving this thought power by arguing with it and focusing on it when it decides to spike, it still holds power over me.

    Long story short, the truth is the truth. Anxiety is not the truth. Extreme porn is not the truth. You need to respect yourself enough to believe your own word. Don’t listen to the irrational spikes in your head that are begging you to focus on them. The sooner you cast them aside and ignore them, the quicker they will disappear. Retaliation ensures that they stay around longer. Retaliation tells your brain that these spikes are important. Don’t give them that power.

    You all got this shit.
     
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  6. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Everything you said about shame and taboo regarding gay sex really resonates with me, especially when it comes to arousal. However, at this moment in time, I think I am gay or bisexual. This could change with more OCD and exposure response therapy, but it also might not, and I will just have to learn to accept it (even though this will be very hard for me). However, for once I am being more honest and brave with myself, and being open to all possibilities rather than ignoring ones which I might not not want or like.

    I'll be honest - being submissive in a gay sexual fantasy where I am dominated and pleasing a much older man (or being a kinky gay sexual environment in general) really arouses me. I just feel a massive liberating rush which turns me on so much, and this rush not only is stronger than when I try to masturbate to regular sex, but is even stronger and easier to get off to than the hardcore heterosexual porn I used to masturbate so much to. But after I cum, I always feel ashamed of myself and like I have finally realised that I am truly gay, and it's absolutely brutal. However, this is clearly due to internalised homophobia, and this is defo something which I will hopefully eradicate soon with CBT and exposure response therapy.

    What also doesn't help is how I have had erectile dysfunction with lots of women throughout my life (not always, but many times), and this has pretty much made me scared of vaginal sex (I can be aroused with a girl beforehand, but when it comes to vaginal sex, I either can't get an erection or keep it up, and also lose arousal), and this also further lowers my self-esteem, and makes me even more doubtful of my sexuality.

    Can you see how brutal this combination is? I truly envy the guys that can still have perfectly normal sex with women, but can also get off to guys (not out of choice, but with the comfort that they will still be able to enjoy women too). Like hell, at this current moment in time I'm praying that I'm bisexual, but I really think I am gay now. So out of curiosity dude, have you also had erectile dysfunction and arousal issues when it comes to vaginal sex?

    But here is one very interesting point, and my mind now is telling me that this is me being in denial, but I'll say it nonetheless - whenever I accept that I might be gay, and welcome the gay thoughts as being part of who I am, and sign up to a gay dating app fir the purpose of having gay sex, whilst the anticipation and naughtiness of it is highly arousing to begin with and I am really getting into it, once accepting that I am going to meet this guy for sex, I've actually lost arousal, and even have become bored. Strange huh.

    Like you, I also did once act out on my gay urges and fantasies. Once again, I went on a gay dating app with the intention of finding a much older, stocky and masculine bear type man, and the reason I chose this type of man (this has been the predominant type of man in my fantasies, if not the only type) is because I was attracted to the masculinity and wisdom as it made me feel very submissive, weak and not in control (interesting themes right). Leading up to the event (getting ready to meet him at his hotel) was both nerve racking and very exciting. Once I met the guy (who wasn't very handsome at all, but the aforementioned masculine traits made me feel more feminine and submissive), I went back to his room, and we both got naked, after which I started to lay with his penis. It was quite surreal tbh as I had never held another mans penis before, and in my head I was like wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this. So right then and there I decided to go full out, and went in between his legs and started to lick his balls and also suck his cock. Sorry for being crude guys, but just typing this is arousing me a lot (but I'll elaborate on this more in a second).

    In terms of how the blowjob felt, it was ok, and quite pleasurable, but not that much tbh. Sucking his penis felt kinda average and dull, but sucking his balls was more enjoyable as I enjoyed the taste (reminded me of my own balls which I like the smell of a lot), but even then, I kinda got bored of it too. Now here is where things get interesting - I started to feel more comfortable in myself in the act, and this is when things became very bland. So what I had to then do was arch my back more as if I was a sissy, and then the experience became a lot more arousing. This then kinda scared me as I did get aroused by this, so I decided to stop, went to the toilet to clean my mouth, and then politely thanked the man, gave him an uncomfortable hug (no kiss as I wasn't into this), and then went home. Walking home I was kinda chuffed that I had actually gone through with something so taboo, and then got home and went to bed. Now this is where things didn't make sense to me, and kinda scared me - I started to get incredibly intense urges to go back to this mans hotel again, and to do it all over again, but only this time, with more confidence. These urges were so strong and really making me horny, so much so that I was almost begging him if I could go back again. But by this stage, he was a bit tired and said he wouldn't be able to do it. So what was really weird and interesting about this is that once again, the arousal of doing kinky things which go against social norms were so much stronger than the actual act. I could be wrong, and the reason why I didn't get off to the gay sex more was due to me not wanting to, but this is the experience I remember. So even now, I can still got very horny by imagining what I did that night (even though when I was there in person, it wasn't as arousing as the fantasy I have now).

    So call me crazy guys, but here is my plan of action moving forward:

    1) Getting high quality and expert therapy for OCD (to get me out of my head, and to find ways in which to stop obsessing over my sexuality, and frequent inabilities to perform sexually with women).

    2) Getting LGBT orientated exposure response therapy (to break my internalised homophobia), and learning to be 'truly' comfortable and accepting of my potential homosexuality. This in turn makes one more comfortable with themselves, and removes any shame and fear, which for many men, is the root cause of this problem.

    3) Once being more accepting of myself that I might be gay, not feeling ashamed for wanting to experiment, and meeting up with some men for safe and consensual sex in a 'calm' and 'anxiety reduced' environment. I know, this sounds crazy, but my gut feeling (which although quite hard to decipher, is more indicating than my irrational brain at the moment) tells me that it won't be as arousing as the actual fantasies. I could be wrong and end up actually loving it (something which a lot of men with doubts fear most), in which case I will have no choice to accept that I am most likely gay, or possibly bisexual (and this will be hard to come to terms with). But a little gut feeling (based upon the short past gay experience, and some theory) that I have tells me that there is also a possibility that it won't be anywhere near arousing, or arousing at all. So it is the 'what if' I want to eradicate by truly knowing if this is something which I 'truly' enjoy or not. But even then, therapist Joe Kort says that its also possible for straight men to enjoy gay sex, so this shouldn't also be ruled out. But for me personally, I have always need more clarity with things, so I'd much rather just accept that I am gay or bisexual tbh.

    Let me know your thoughts guys.
     
  7. Stroketter

    Stroketter Fapstronaut

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    Sex is a physical thing as much as mental. But sometimes it can be just one or the other I think. So I do think straight guys can enjoy gay sex, BC it's still feeling good to the body if you can switch off the part that cares about attraction. Especially if the straight guy doesn't have that internalised homophobia.

    But I really do think you need to quit porn of all kinds before you can decide your sexuality, if deciding your sexuality is something you feel u need to do. For me when i was watching porn everything was very confusing and I was just motivated by dopamine and chasing that thrill of the taboo and since quitting the porn that's all gone away.

    No I didn't have ed issues but I think I was lucky, that's a real common side effect of porn addiction. Don't take that as an indicator as you not being into females because it's certainly not. Sexuality is about attraction, only u can decide what genders you are actually attracted to without the influence of porn.

    Good luck man you sound as confused as I was 6 months ago.
     
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  8. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot dude, this honestly means so much to me :).

    If you don't mind me asking, did you also do NoFap? The reason I'm asking is cos I've only managed to do 28 days, and still had gay urges, although not as often. I am a huge admirer of the work of Gary Wilson, and am desperate to believe him, but part of my doubt also thinks NoFap might be a bit of bro-science, and is just an excuse for closeted gay/bisexual men to avoid their sexuality. Maybe this is my overthinking, but if you could let me know how long you managed to do NoFap and no porn, and the effects, that would help.

    And I can totally relate with chasing that taboo induced dopamine thrill. This makes me more confident that it's not normal, as once I masturbate to gay fantasies and role plays, I can't stop, and need to regain that thrill/orgasm sensation lots of time a day. It's not even the mans face which does it for me, but the kinky and naughty aspect of being subservient and submissive to someone who I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with in any normal setting. Internalised homophobia may actually make it more arousing as I am experimenting with what I fear most.

    And congrats on your porn sobriety, that's really awesome :).
     
  9. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    My Gay urges got better and better the furhter down the line i got. I made it till 120 days+ and @ the end there were almost gone. And if they came they were just small and disepaird fast again. So yeah, Nofap is the way for you.
     
  10. Interesting! I'm not gay but I have many gay friends that we have had long long conversations about sexuality.

    For me, the strongest indicator of your true sexuality is (it might be too simple, but it's a good experiment) go out to a public park and just sit. That's it. As I said, it might sound too simple lol. Just people-watch and don't approach people. Watch for maybe like half hour to 1 hour. Be a respectful man, of course!

    As you watch, observe which gender you really catch your eyes. My friends and I did that once. I always immediately notice women, not men although I can appreciate good looking men more like the context: He works out well! He's so fit. But nothing more.

    Try that after stopping porn for a while and see where your attraction goes. If you are attracted to men, chances are you probably are gay. If you are attracted to women, chances are you probably are straight. You'd just know your true sexuality. Be honest :) And...there's nothing wrong with being straight, being bisexual or gay. None.
     
  11. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    [​IMG]

    This is one of the best posts I have ever seen on this site. Honestly fantastic.
     
  12. Indeed, important topic!
    I second the OP in the guideline stop watching porn and reboot your brain. Because that will definitely help with life issues as confused sexual orientation / , at least for every porn addict or heavy user.
    However, I wonder if this simple solution is really enough for everyone with a confused sexual orientation issue (if that's the right word).

    Well, at least I think this might help some guys as well:
    I once learned from a friend who is bi, that there's a scale for homosexuality (and heterosexuality). So everyone is somewhere on the scale, you can be on the straight end or on the gay end or somewhere in the middle. A man can be straight but leaning somewhat to other men at the same time. This is something natural. Whatever the causes are (genes, culture, experiences) and it can change over time.
    Now, as long as you know where you stand, you can live with it. For example you can accept your "gay side" when you're a mainly straight guy. That doesn't mean that you need to act it out, by the way (your choice!). The same goes for women of course.
    And naturally not every openly gay man has never feelings for a woman or watches only gay porn.

    I hope this may help someone.
     
  13. [​IMG]

    That moment when i was deep into my porn addiction but i still viciously avoided gay and tranny porn and was mostly sticking to ebony and latina categories

    God knows how more painful would my recovery afterwards be if i went for more extreme videos as a straight guy, i suffered enough already even with "regular" categories the pain of reboot ain't easy :emoji_disappointed:
     
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  14. Gef 71

    Gef 71 Fapstronaut

    What is the obsession with gay and transexual porn? Is it illegal or something?
     
  15. The 'obsession' comes from a place not because people think its wrong. But more likely because guys who have been straight are suddenly starting to question their sexuality after indulging in such porn, being completely confused, lost, unsure and it carries a lot of negative baggage with it.

    People aren't obsessed, they are worried.
     
    Timecop likes this.
  16. Gef 71

    Gef 71 Fapstronaut

    Yes, indeed. Maybe it is a worry that stems from a fear of prejudice.
    Getting well is the important thing to focus on and over analysing can make things worse and inhibit recovery.
     
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  17. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Hi new to this all if I can get through 3 days of no PMO I will consider it a miracle lol ;)

    TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLE BELOW

    I have another angle on this that some will accept and others maybe not about male bisexuality at least. I was sexually abused by a family member first as a child sodomized at 5 years old black out during it came too with white stuff running out my butt -- not having a clue to what it ws at that young age. And then other drunken men, teenaged boys and one women she made me eat her pussy, it was like somehow I had a neon sign saying abuse me sexually. This occurred until I was 11.5 then I grew up not kid looking enough I guess and had a big mouth that probably saved me from more.

    And the one factor that I hated is it started feeling good to be sexual with men in preteens. I'm embarrassed to admit and conflicted me alot.

    I'm sorry this is all over the place but I had really suppressed it allot until one day a few years ago my wife wanted to watch some porn to spice things up ( I really wish I would not of agreed now ) she wanted to see a mmf bi porn three-way. She had stumbled onto a mm gay softcore love scene on LOGO that really turned her on. And wanted to see more.

    And when that movie played I felt something click awe hah moment. It got me so turned on in dopamine overdrive. I realized why I liked this kind of porn over time this happed at 48. Is because when the woman liked it in real life not sure but acting anyway when she got wet seeing the men play, more so with the guy receiving that was the bottom it turned me on I know. Because her getting aroused my this mm action for a day or 2 afterwards took the fear shame and guilt away of the CSA. It made me feel somewhat like it was ok didn't make me less of a man and my wife liked it too and told me she thinks the same of me now even as before I suppose turned bi.

    But the feeling it is ok and taking the shame away was so calming to me for a few days after each viewing. But it lead to acting out in many mmf bi thing and a few 6 or 7 mm encounters with me being the bottom in these occurences. But feel that more bi in middle of the scale and the mmf bi stuff did the same as the porn.

    But fucked alot of women over the past 32 years still am into women its weird now women, man and woman and me partners. but man man doesnt turn me on much anymore and dont seek it out much in porn either.

    But deep down if I hadn't had the sex abuse by men would I be drawn to bisexual this at all including porn.

    sorry in advance if this is TMI.
     
  18. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to what you are saying. My girl was accepting of the guy on guy thing and it allowed me to feel accepted and took away the shame. Unfortunately, my addiction took over and one was not enough and I wanted more. Worse than anything I acted out and didn’t protect her emotionally. Sex was driving me and my addiction. I’m at the amends step of SA and will have to face my childhood abusers who were just kids them selves. I’m full of anxiety. I can look back and see where my little issues all stemmed from and I’m hoping by breaking them down I can move forward. I accept some of these things are part of me, both good and bad, and will use them for good.
     
  19. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Hey I'm glad you get it too. So I understand it she let you 2 to be with a man ? Then your addiction led you two to other guys or you to other guys for you all by yourself?

    Do you think like me that the environment made you bisexual and if no abuse as a kid be straight mostly. The big relief I got out of this type of porn is the taking away fear that I'm not a man inbin wife's eyesaeyes, from all the anal oraI was younger. Again I began to like it even i i cant believe I'm saying this but rape fansatsies me being not doing ( hope acceptable to share that here)

    And I know this is a PMO site but can some mmf bi porn in my case be therapeutic as a safe way to get my needs met for this feeling of everything ok shame leaves or would it be just as bad as acting out with MF couples? Any input from you all would be good.

    Thanks TTYL
     

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