For gods sake it was the last time.

A few hours ago I messed up. Again. But before I go in further detail I should explain my background with nofap.

Around 1,5 years ago I was confronted with this movement and I started overthinking my porn consume and my masturbation habits. After trying and failing several times after just a week or so to stop watching porn or masturbate I almost did it. Yeah ALMOST.
I was doing it a 90 days reboot. Well until 11 months ago on my around 70th day. I failed.
And after that, I failed again. And again. sometimes it was just a few days. Sometimes it was 3 weeks. And sometimes I did it for around 30-40 days.
Until today.
Today I messed up again.
You know there is this feeling that sometimes just forces you to fap even if you know you feel like shit after it. Today I had this feeling and I couldn't resist. I just couldn't.
And there I am after I finished, just sitting in the bathroom and not able to look in the mirror because I feel shit and before I failed I knew I was gonna feel shit. So I watched a motivation video from Jocko Willink and one sentence blew my mind. This sentence is why I'm writing this post. This one sentence is why I made an account on this page today.

"... and as you struggle to stay on the path, first of all, remember you don't have to fight alone, reach out to your comrades in arms. Ask for fire-support when you need it"

Last 1,5 years I fought alone. Telling no one about my struggles no single human being. No one. Al this failing and struggle I just kept to myself but I can't do it anymore. I need to tell my story because otherwise, I'll fail again.
You know 2 hours ago I was feeling shit and couldn't forgive myself for doing what I did, I couldn't even look in the mirror without wanting to punch the face I see there but now I can. I just needed to tell you it and all this anger is gone. I just needed to share. I just needed someone who can understand me. I actually don't care if one or one hundred people read this, I just had to write it off. And I think there is no better place than here where it might have an impact.

But I don't just want to tell you my story I want you to tell my goals and promises.

From this day on I'll never ever gonna watch porn or masturbate. Forever. A live long promise.

That's a big promise I know but I'll promise something else what hopefully will help me to keep this promise.

I promise that whenever I feel like giving up or feel like I need to fap, I gonna post something motivational or something about how I feel instantly.

Two Promises. Just these two things. This is my fire-support. Sharing motivation and emotions with random people I'll never get to know but I know because they feel the same. This is it.

I promise Today Monday 20. April. 2020 For god's sake it was the last time.

Thank you for reading (till the end)

Just a Kid with a Dream

PS: sorry if I misspelt something or did used wrong grammar(English is not my first language)