For now mid 50s single male incel vent.

A

ad vera amoris

Fapstronaut
This is just a vent to express in the moment that loneliness is super intense now, but to solve it requires managing shame feelings. So I get stuck. I know many ideas and strategies but unable to access them today. Drinking and a porn chat binge on July 4th alone didn't help.

I will probably soon repost for a specific AP request but only for my age bracket, 50 - 60, and with some similar issues tied to my incel history and using porn chat to substitute for lack of emotional intimacy. Sexual need is secondary but also involved.

There are complex, long term factors tied into something on the Avoidant Personality spectrum and impact on long term employment gap. I have good social skills so it isn't that type.

Below is a recent post for some context. My old AP posts say more.

I prefer conversation to forum posts. Thanks. But if comments help others here initially that's ok.

This was just a cathartic post because of the lack of immediate relief. Telling my favorite webcam girls "I love you" again is my impulse but clearly not a solution. I deleted my account there yesterday but was already tempted. So tried this post instead as a replacement behavior.

I may try cuddlist session as therapeutic step.

ad vera amoris said:
June 15.

I never set a precise goal.

5 days was my streak.

Then combined with chat. At least didn't spend money.

Friday 1 PMO.

Saturday 2 PMO.

Driven by loneliness and desire for loving a beautiful woman in real life.

Clearly touch matters.

And so do love feelings which are primal.

So difficult to sublimate cause of excessive isolation as a single. And male company doesn't interest me much
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ad vera amoris said:
I am brand new to using this site. I posted at the link at the bottom in the Accountability Partner Forum, seeking a possible local, similar accountability partner.

I may also post similar in the age 40 plus section, since finding other men my age feels critical; I feel my life stage is so different than when younger.

Ideally I prefer to hear from those with the following in common:

--Addicted to chat sites (both due to chatting, and the PMO)
--Single, never married Men, Age 50's
--VERY long droughts or nothing at all (relationships and sex)
--Socially isolated

But for now, I'm trying this forum to help get started on the reboot concept, and just seeking a little initial (urgent) support/commiseration/sympathy. For now my initial goal is just stopping Chatroom...probably all porn, too, but I haven't been using that since chat is 100% more compelling due to the interactions; and other porn may help me stop the chatrooms.)

Do any of the above relate to:

--Spending money I cannot afford, and spending too much time!!!! (Instead of watching a long sought movie, I PMO'd twice and spent hours!!! UGH!)
--Being especially addicted to the live communication exchange on chat because of the opportunity for pseudo intimacy or at least familiarity (unlike traditional porn). It becomes like visiting a sexy friend.
--With all due respect to women my age (and in general), I find on average the visual/physical appeal of age 18 to 25 year old women is intensely powerful; and hard to match at my age (which stinks because if I'm not able to be a sugar daddy, those ages are unrealistic in real life. My arrested development makes it even worse, because having never sown my oats, I'm stuck in a mindset of age 18!)

New Years, I made a much too vague goal to abstain from the Chaturbate site, and definitely not spend any more money. But stuck inside in the cold, and very stressed out, I just went back today and spent money and time again because this girl let me chat privately several visits without tips because she is not busy, and she really (seemed) to enjoy all that I wrote and I may have made her feel appreciated (I'm a romantic writer and not crude). She allowed for private messaging without any payment.

As in times past with other young women, I find the romantic feelings within me get stirred up so intensely that they feel very much like the real thing (even if her reactions may not be genuine, though I think she and others enjoy what I shared), and even though I know it isn't something which I can pursue in real life (they are in other countries, etc.)

Some support is welcome. I'm very upset tonight about messing up IMMEDIATELY after saying no more. At the same time, while I was saying not to do it, I see my honey online and I say "how can I not want to connect with her again?! She's an freakin' angel!" It is like greeting your lover at the airport after a long absence.

I totally understand why I do it...it is just an unhealthy way of meeting very healthy, normal, but very hard to meet needs to be loving and sexual which have not been fulfilled for years. And I feel awful about it not pursuing the real thing. (My post below explains why pursuing dating now feels almost impossible...employment issues.)

Thanks for any initial thoughts.

New York City, 54 Male, Single Hetero, Socially skilled/Educated/Un/Underemployed, Chaturbate addict
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Thank you. I was already very, very well aware of your observation. The problem is not them but within me. Regardless I appreciate your trying to offer support.
 
I am miserable and can't break out of current downward spiral.

Not just PMO. Everything.

50 somethings preferred for feedback..

PS - I understand about Incel term. Will avoid but it is my situation.
 
Infrasapiens said:
Never identify yourself as an incel. Even if you have been trying to have sex for decades, do not call yourself an incel.
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Yeah, any progress you are going to have will start with accepting @Infrasapiens post here. Then constant self-improvement. Being a man is hard, not many shortcuts.

ad vera amoris said:
PS - I understand about Incel term. Will avoid but it is my situation.
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Why are you an incel? Physical, social reasons? Habits, drugs? Also, is being a virgin prerequisite to being an incel?
 
Breadman said:
No to sound stupid but what’s an incel?
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If we go by the definition of the word, it is a person who is an INvoluntary CELibate. If we go to the description of the group, it is a bunch of arrogant and victimistic man-children losers who cannot accept how real life works, therefore all they do is whine in their on self-fabricated misery about how life is unfair because it didn't give them what they wanted on a silver plate.
 
ad vera amoris said:
50 somethings preferred for feedback..
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Why? Do younger people stink? Because you think younger men are lower in quality, or what? Maybe some of us are knowledgeable into handling our difficult times as well, probably more than those in their 50s.

Take this as support, here are some questions to get you started, of things you don't mention in your post but are essential:

1) How often and for how long do you go out into nature? Do you go on a bicycle every now and then just to feel the wind, for 10-15 miles? Go out into nature, don't sit in the house, because humans were not designed to just sit and fap. Go out for long, I mean long walks, 3-4 hours. Get a good podcast (Rich Roll, On Being, Under the Skin, Found my fitness) and just walk and learn. Move your ass off that chair! Get a book like "How not to die" or "Finding ultra" and read it in a park, all by yourself, on a bench.

2) What are your eating habits? Do you cook for yourself or get mostly fast food? Do you eat mostly plants or are you stuck in believing that a man must eat only meat? What do you know about nutrition?

3) Most critical, do you let your thoughts and emotions our in a safe outlet? I'd guess not, because your emotional health is not as important, yet this is the most important thing that you are probably now ignoring. Here are two posts to get you started in this direction:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...g-with-negative-emotions.235876/#post-2091926

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/journaling-probably-the-best-way-to-heal.245610/

So my sincere suggestions are, first, to stop believing that because I'm younger I have no effin clue how you feel and what you might need and, second, get the hell out of the house for most of the day! Use the house to shower, sleep (I really mean sleep) and to cook/eat for a month or two; you'll see positive changes.

Good luck!
 
Thank you for several wonderful ideas and suggestions, and links, and effort.

At the same time I prefer you all do not take such a harsh judgemental tone. You are correct not to make assumptions.

Yes, young people have great value. I am not diminishing that.

At the same time you may not have experienced or witnessed the death of both parents, your own aging and brushes with death, etc. It is a change in consciousness for many.

I exercise, eat healthy, volunteer, psychotherapy, etc.

As for Incel, I do not fit most views or the judgments in the earlier post. Am just stating a fact of my history for reasons. I do not blame women in any way.

I mean you all no malice. But you may want to tone down harshness and browbeating. This is a support site. Thanks.
 
Are you doing all that you can in terms of solving the unemployment situation?

Do you have activities in your life that allows you to meet new people on a regular basis?

There's no easy answers to your situation.

You have to commit to the next 5-10 years of your life. Either stay, make peace with what you have, and continue to feed your addictions because you don't think you can attain it in reality... or do your best to go for what you want even though it might not work. There's no guarantees. If you decide to go for the latter, it really will take everything you've got and there wouldn't be any room for half assing, back pedaling, or seeking comfort.

With where you're at in life and the severity of your downwards spiral, it really is a tough thing to flip everything around to how you would really want it to be. You can't afford to sit on the fence or slowly dip your toe in the water with this one. You would have to do many urgent, drastic, and scary things to create change. You would have to sacrifice short term emotions (having the company of cam girls) for the sake of having the possibility of your desired long term outcomes.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Only you can create the necessary change and figure things out.
 
Incredibly expressed, insightful, and powerful feedback.

Yes, I will need to rebuild and maintain motivation and inspiration.

Thanks very much.
 
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