For partners of addicts

Hello. It has been long time since I visited this site. I felt like I wanted to come here and write something for you. Please keep in mind when reading this post:

• sometimes it's difficult for me to explain things as I would like to in English (as non-English speaker)
• my purpose is not to let you down, I want to give you hope and share my healing journey with you
• I'm so sorry for all of you who have experienced this. Betrayal trauma has been the hardest path I've had to struggle through.

Background
I started to suspect something was wrong in my relationship back in 2013. In 2014 I found out, I was gaslighted, lied to, betrayed, etc. and experienced PTSD symptoms. Fast forward 2019, I collapsed. I was very depressed, anxious, I had majority of the listed PTSD symptoms. I was not able to live my life at all. I thought every day that it would be better and easier to end my life. I didn't see any light in the end of the tunnel. In my mind porn had conquered the world and I couldn't escape, I hated (and still hate) porn so much, I was afraid of people because I thought they all are porn users. I didn't even want to go grocery shopping. I stopped keeping in touch with my friends. They were unknowingly triggering me if we were together, so it was easier to close myself off. My entire life was on pause. I hated myself.. I was so embarrassed of myself... I lost myself and didn't know who I was anymore.

Between 2013 and 2019 I never told anyone, what I was feeling. I let it to devour me inside. I was so lonely and lost. It was like deep darkness inside me.

Healing begins
Finally spring 2019 I realized I need professional help. My personality was changing. Everybody knows me as calm and friendly person. But with all the hate, fear, darkness inside me made me aggressive and I was losing my mind reguralry and I was throwing items, breaking items, yelling, being just irritated all the time.

When I went to talk about my anxiety and depression first time, I didn't even have the courage to say what I have experienced. I just said I needed to talk.. "I was stressed". So I wasn't taken as seriously as I should have been taken. I went to other place where I told what was going on, and it changed it all. The therapist there was not licensed to this kind of things but she tried to help me and I appreciated it. Still it was game changer because now "I was out of the closet" and I got courage to tell about it. Later I found real help and other women who had experienced same things and feelings.

When I was really heard and understood, it changed my life. I wasn't alone anymore. I got more confidence, I was reassured that I was not stupid or crazy.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID OR CRAZY

We have experienced betrayal in very intimate and deep level. It broke us into pieces. Please don't give up collecting the pieces. Trust me, I know how desperate it feels. It felt like I will never heal. It just takes time. I worked really hard. I still have to work with my bad thoughts so they won't take control.

Now, in 2021. I have collected the pieces. But I'm badly scarred. Some of the pieces are not put back yet. I'm still fragile.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm strong enough to fight back.

I think we can heal enough to enjoy life again. We will never forget, but we will learn to live with the experience. I can enjoy life again, there are some triggers out there but I can avoid them.

You will heal. You will enjoy life again. You are the key for your happiness. You don't need anyone or anything else to make you happy. Sorry about the cliches but it's true.

We are all beautiful and worthy. We don't need men (or women) whose brain are ruined by porn to tell us our value. We have to value ourselves so much we don't need anyone else's judgement.

I am who I am. I look like this. My body is natural woman body. My genes from my parents made me like this. I don't need to be or look like anyone else. Beauty standards these days are fake. Photos and videos online are edited. If someone does not like me as I am, I don't need them in my life.

Thank you.