For real this time

I’ve been trying to quit for years, but I want this to be it. I usually make it a few days before I fail. I’ve used a tracker app for a while and the longest I’ve ever made it was a week. That was part of my plan to quit gradually, and restrict myself to 1 pmo a week, but it literally only lasted the first week. My average streak is a little over a day. I realized just how disgusting my habits were when I inadvertently found legitimate child porn on a site I regularly used. I realized just how far down the slippery slope I had plummeted, and now I want to quit for good.
I call myself a Christian and want to reflect Jesus with my actions, yet every night I fall right back into sin. I started watching porn at around 11 or 12 years old. Over time I’ve slipped into more depraved and vile porn. I should have realized how bad it was when I started watching transwoman pornography. I can hardly stand the shame I felt while pretending to be a righteous Christian while living in filth. I want to change, and I don’t ever want to go back to porn.

 

I made it six days. I had hoped it would be longer but I tried a few search terms to get around my blockers and thats all it took. I had hoped to quit immediately but I knew that wasn’t really feasible. Still, six days is progress.

 

Day off of school didn’t help. I found myself with nothing to do and started watching porn. If I’m honest there were multiple times throughout last week I searching to get around the blockers.

 

I just use the parental controls on the iphone. They work well enough to block sites and most images in a search engine, but sometimes its too easy to turn it off since I know the password. This week was pretty bad, I think almost every day I turned it off to look at porn. It got really bad today, I went back to the links with child porn on them. I’m so pissed of at myself for that, I absolutely need to get away from starting that as a habit but I’m terrified it might already have started.

 

I don’t want to pay for anything. And there are times when sites I need get blocked and I unblock them.

 

Pmo last night, i had been watching porn while home alone earlier and ended up blue balling myself. I’m starting to make progress, the streaks are getting longer. There have been multiple times this week watching porn but I’ve been able to quit before mo most times.