For the first time in a long time

I went on a date last Week with a really cute girl, we ended up kissing and made plans for a second date. After I set the second date I had so much anxiety, constant negative thinking that I didn’t deserve this, I was idealizing this girl. She ends up canceling the date and was honest and sincere about it. she got cold feet saying the kissing was too fast for her and we didn’t click romantically but overall it wasn’t a bad date to her. I had felt like a failure, suddenly past rejections hit me all at once the thoughts of, loneliness, failed relationships, hopelessness that I would never find that one perfect match for me.I had also felt that I disrespected her by initiating the kiss. I was hurt, it was one date so why was I this devastated? Years of training those thought muscles of negativity, feeling unworthy, and putting women on a pedestal, I guess in a way I always knew this about me, but my purpose in life was trying to get a girlfriend/ relationship and not my career. I finally admitted and accepted that this was the case I felt so defeated. I have made the decision last night to focus on myself and realign my purpose, to not suffer for rejection or failure, to not suffer for failed dating attempts. We pick our own suffering, what’s worth suffering In this life for us? Ourselves, personal growth! I decided to delete the dating apps on my phone because dating makes me miserable, I deleted my Reddit because I would watch porn on it, I deleted any toxic photos or app on my phone that would stop me from achieving this. I haven’t fapped in a week and half and I’m going strong for a second week. I would feel a lot worse if I had broken my streak after she cancelled the date. I want to respect women, I don’t want to see them as sex objects and I want to connect with them in a deeper level. I still want a girlfriend/ relationship but she’s not going to be my main purpose. I have to have self respect and love for myself, I want her to meet me at my best not worst. For the first time in a long time I feel free, I still got a long way to go but I’m hopeful, I’m on this nofap journey with you guys and gals, happy thanksgiving everyone. I’m thankful for the decision I’ve made.

 

Thank you! Glad to be here! Also cool yohan pic