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For those who are married

For Fapstronauts of the Catholic Christian Faith

  1. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am a wife of a PA. I am in a spot where I am feeling incredibly hopeless. We are not in a bad spot in regards to his progress, he is finally making huge steps. He had been PMO'ing daily ever since he was 13 and he's 22 now. The last two years he has been struggling to quit. He finally downloaded covenant eyes and hasn't done it since (day 47). He also talks with a therapist weekly.

    And as much as I appreciate him finally opening up to me, it's leading into a whole new world of hurt hearing really how often these thoughts flood his head, what exactly he was into, etc. He's such a great guy in every other way, most everyone is jealous of my life partner because he truly is just a blessing in my life... that being said, I have to almost picture him as someone else to get through this. The idea of the PMO and knowing it's objectifying and just doesn't align with his morals doesn't sit right with me. He told me his fantasy is
    anal, multiple women
    This information just crushes me, because obviously as a Catholic, that doesn't at all align with what we'd ever believe in. Why can't I be enough for him? He's more than enough for me. Somtimes I feel like this burden weighs a little heavier with our faith, as it is especially wrong in comparison to some women I've seen who toss around the idea of a threesome, watching P with their husbands, etc. And while I get a lot of useful information on these forums, I also get very hopeless as I feel that a lot of "success" stories aren't really what I envision as successful (and I don't mean that in a negative way, but I just want to hear that this can be conquered, not that he'll continue to slip up from time to time or still be M'ing or something).

    At this point, I feel like I am rambling. I guess what I am searching for is reassurance that this can be conquered. Maybe some prayers sent our way. I'm not sure. Best of luck to everyone out there on this journey as well, I finally know and can acknowledge how much of a beast addiction can be, so I am very empathetic to everyone in this type of position.
     
  2. I don’t have much to say to help I’m sorry. There are some good things about addiction believe it or not. It humbles us and makes us more compassionate. It turns us back towards Our faith with greater zeal. My wife isn’t tempted by lust and perhaps as a result she never goes to confession while I go once or twice per week. Would I confess or pray as much without my addiction? I don’t know. I wouldn’t wish this addiction on anyone or on the spouse of any woman. I want to point out that feeling as though I’m not worthy of love or understanding is really the root of my addiction. I wasn’t Catholic before getting married. In all honesty i think I should have been a monk because the only thing I’m good at is praying and fasting. I do 30-40 hour water fasts usually twice per week and to put it into perspective the pain of starving myself is monumentally less that the compulsive urges to MO. It is easy by comparison. Sorry for the rambling.
     
    patmandu5555 likes this.
  3. IWant2Quit2

    IWant2Quit2 Fapstronaut

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    I've been a PA and married for over 30 years. I didn't admit I was a PA until very recently and started to get help. I don't know if this will help, but here it goes....

    re: the objectifying and moral issues....I'm certain that most, if not everyone in this group, feel the same way otherwise we wouldn't be in this group or reaching out for help. This is what also gives me the most guilt/shame/despair when I fall. I know it's wrong, I know I will regret my actions, I know it is a mortal sin ...... yet sometimes I can't resist the temptation. At least he acknowledges it is morally wrong and is getting help.

    re: his fantasy..... I wonder if it is truly a fantasy/desire or something that was planted by the PA. Those actions are so so prevalent in P, it is easy to get that imprinted as something you want. This is true not only in P but at least part of his "fantasy" is very common in many R rated movies, games and culturally as being manly. How many times have you seen leading men with multiple girls hanging on them?

    re: Why can't I be enough for him?.... I've been and still am married for 33 years to the only woman I've ever loved. I understand how it can make you fee inadequate. As for me, it has never been about her adequacy, appearances or anything else relating to her. For me, Initially, I found myself going to those sites when I had low self esteem (the thought that a model like that would want me was a big ego boost), when something happened and I wanted to "escape" for a while (I used P instead of drugs or getting drunk) or just plain bored ("I've got all my projects completed and nothing good is on tv, hmm... I wonder if there are updates to xyz site or 123 channel"). I've found other ways to deal with these "triggers", but it is a work in progress and the temptations are still there.

    re: I feel that a lot of "success" stories aren't really what I envision as successful: What would you define as successful for someone addicted to drugs or alcohol? What would you define as successful to someone who is fighting a eating disorder? I define success as every day I can resist the temptation to resort to PMO or P when I need a self esteem boost or get tempted to "check if there is an update". I would love to be able to someday say "Thank God! I'm cured, I never have to worry about my PA again". Unfortunately, that day will likely be the day after I die. I may be wrong, but I believe that PA, like any addiction, is a life long fight. But it is a fight worth fighting. Prayer, frequent reception of the sacraments (not just reconciliation but also communion), daily Mass and this site are the best tools I have and I use them as often as I am able. Like puius8435 stated above, I go to reconciliation weekly. I found that the frequent reception of the sacraments helps me resist the temptations when they come again. When I've fallen in the past, I can usually point to the day or days that I either did not say my daily prayers, attend Mass or both. The longer I miss them, the stronger the temptations become and the weaker I am.

    Again, I don't know if this helps you, but it's honest based on my experience. Good luck to both of you and I will keep you in my prayers
     
    Saskia Simone likes this.
  4. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    I have been married for 41 years to my wonderful wife. I am a cradle Catholic and a devout practicing Catholic for my entire adult life. I was first tempted by P 49 years ago. I have always found my wife very attractive and I don't expect her to compete with those exaggerated images. I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour. I hate the distress it has caused my wife and even more so the affront that it is to Our Lord. However, I have had to recognize that I am human and this particular temptation is one of the devil's most effective/powerful. Also, I am in good company as many saints have also struggled with lust and overcome it. Be patient with your husband. His addiction is not a consequence of anything lacking in you nor does it reflect what is truly in his heart.
     
  5. Militis

    Militis Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    Firstly, I just want to say I am sorry. It sounds like this addiction really eats away at you and causes you pain. Does knowing the details of his fantasies and when he has them help you? Is this something that helps him to handle his temptations? If it's not helping either of you and you trust he is trying his hardest, I wonder if perhaps a calendar check-in system for the time he struggles provide some relief for you?

    One thing you could try is writing your husband a letter as a break in case of emergency for when he is in temptation. You could write how you feel whenever he does that and how much you love him. Then you could ask him to carry it with him and read it when he has those thoughts. This would replace temptation with love. Other than that maybe a spouse betrayal group might help with your completely understandable feelings.

    It sounds like your husband is really trying his hardest and that you are a great support for him. I am sorry for my own role in choosing this addiction at times. Your post is a good reminder to us men of what the integrity we are called to. I will keep you in my prayers.
     
  6. Justonemoreday

    Justonemoreday Fapstronaut

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    Your husband’s struggle is not because of you. Some event, P accessible to him in his home growing up, something but not you. Read the life of st Elizabeth of Hungary for inspiration. Support and encourage your husband. Invite him to go to adoration as a couple regularly and go without him if he won’t go. Eventually he will. Have holy pictures and statues in every room in your home. Implore Our Lady to intercede for you. Pax Christi
     
    Saskia Simone likes this.
  7. Justonemoreday

    Justonemoreday Fapstronaut

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    Also use Holy Water in your home and ask a priest to come and bless your home ASAP. Your husband is a great guy. I would bet that all of us men struggling with these sexual sins are great guys. Satan is working extra hard on us great guys. The not so great guys are not Fapstronauts and Satan does not have to try to very hard to get them on his side of the fence.
     
    ihatepornsomuch likes this.
  8. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    Fulton Sheen said that even "Not even God can tell the proud anything! Only the humble can find God!" Let us be careful not to take pride in our effort to become chaste nor should the chaste be proud of their accomplishment. We are all sinners in one way or another and thus we have no right to judge one form of sin as more egregious than our own. Lord, give us the strength to regularly examine our consciences objectively and humbly.
     
    Saskia Simone and patmandu5555 like this.
  9. Justonemoreday

    Justonemoreday Fapstronaut

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