Forced to watch porn because of a strange desire.

I am tired of this. It's a fight. A big fight with myself, more precisely with my body. I am doing nofap seriously for nearly a year now but I still couldn't achieve the 90 days mark. I want to rewire my brain so that I can be confident, not in relationship or in sex. I want to be confident about my abilities. That I can do it. I picked a bad habit of smoking when I was 15, but I permanently quit smoking when I was 22. It's been two years now, and I have smoked max to max 10 cigarettes in 2 years roughly. I quit drinking much alcohol. Last year I drank whiskey only once. I am saying this because I wanna say someone that I used to be an alcoholic kid. I smoked packs of cigarettes a day, but today I am free from addictions. But why this?! Why I can't leave this dirty habit behind? Why am I failing again and again. For so long I taught myself that "No I am not a lusty guy! I am good man, I respect women, I am not a filthy man!" . But today I am defeated. I am lusty, I must be lusty, else I'd have win this war with my body long ago. I am filthy, I am a porn addict, I am failure as true man. I am hindu. I admire few Gods very much; Lord Shiva, Buddha and Jesus. They are the ultimate examples of idol men.
Jesus is also an idol man. Now people might smirk at me that "This crazy bastard comparing himself Gods" , No! I am not comparing, I just wish to follow them, I just wish to be 0.0000001% of worth as they are.
I respect women I am raised by a single mother. But then I also watch porn and masturbate. Like why? Why am I so hooked up with porn? Whenever I am over 7 days mark, I search for porn to let my load down. It's always a fight between me and my body or dark side of brain that forces me to relapse. I try not to look at triggering pics but then I eventually end up searching for them. Is this loop of despair never going to end? Have I already got rotten to the core of my heart?

 

Just don't increase in severity please. Once you PMO to something new and maybe "shocking", you unlock the gate to forbidden knowledge that can be used to destroy you. Just keep going, you can do this.

 

Thank you. You are right about the "shocking discoveries". Not watching to porn is the biggest challange I have now. Every 7 days or so I have to watch something for cooling down my urge and everytime I do that I fail.

 

Yeah the urges are tough and 7 days is the first major urge/hump/wave. I think about it as a wave because it will end and happen in patterns or phases. They happen because of withdrawals of the drugs we are giving ourselves. The stronger we are at withstanding our urge, the lesser it will be in our mind.

 

Yes you are right. I have low self esteem and not confident and I am always kinda depressed. I am a piece of shit. What can I do..