Former Partner Recovery Log

In introduction, I should probably state that I don't struggle with PMO. I'm the former fiancée of an addict in recovery, and am starting this journal to document my own thoughts and goals, as well as to stay accountable to my former partner during this time of separation, with the ultimate goal being reconciliation and ideally restarting a healthier romantic relationship.

I realized today after the few days of distance that my ultimate goal in all of this needs to be becoming okay with being alone again. I don't mean single, or lonely. Just by myself. I used to love being alone, it was my default state and I never struggled with finding ways to occupy empty time. During my relationship, I became completely dependent on him for companionship, and came to hate and dread unscheduled hours by myself. I see that as one of the most significant warning signs of how badly I lost myself in codependency, and as the most urgent issue that needs fixing on my end before I can be in a healthy relationship with him again. I can't rely on him as an automatic default time-filler for the hours and days that I don't have other plans, regardless of how often we're actually seeing each other. I've done that for far too long and it's become almost crippling, I need to be self-reliant without the assurance of being able to spend constant time with him.

So with that and too many other unhealthy emotions and behaviors in mind, we're in the process of "taking space". We're no longer exclusive, we're not seeing each other outside of work, and we're sticking to text-based communication. Intentionally uninvesting myself in the well-being of the person I love and care about most in the world is one of the hardest choices I've ever made. But my mental health can't be tied to his recovery. I've finally accepted that. I'm trying as hard as I can to want him to be okay only because he's a person I care about, and not because it affects my future in any way, and for that to be effective, we need to not have a future right now. All I can hope is that we're able to have one again.

 

Today was really calm and sedate for me, after a big blowout last night.

Essentially, I brought up the idea of me seeing other people, and he reacted really emotionally. That, compounded by some issues with our councelor, led to a conversation that lasted until after 3 am. Luckily, we came to an understanding before the conversation ended, and today he approached me to tell me that he wants to take an equitable approach to the situation, and is okay with me being single and having my freedom while staying in each others lives and staying open to getting back together. It's a significant improvement from last night, when he told me that he would never be open to being with me again if I had sex with anyone else while we were broken up. I hated the feeling that my only two options were going back to a relationship that left me constantly paranoid, or never seeing him again. Hopefully this middle ground will prove workable, and possibly even beneficial for both of us. I love him, and I want to be with him long-term, but we both need space to be on our own and heal and have new experiences before that can happen. I hope that committing to this is the right decision for both of us.

Aside from that, all I did today was go to a support group and then to lunch with another member. As is often the case, her horror stories about her relationship with an addict partner left me feeling very thankful for my ex, who has never been anything but gentle and loving to me even through the course of his addiction and struggles with mental health. I'm glad that our relationship happened, even if we eventually decide not to pursue a new one.

The truth will take the time to heal us.

 

Primarily because being in an exclusive committed relationship with him was putting me in a constant state of fear and paranoia due to his addiction. The knowledge that I could be all in and then lose everything at a moments notice if he relapsed on any dealbreaking behaviors was paralyzing for me. This way we get to stay in each other's lives but maintain some distance and emotional space for a while before we decide if it would be safe for both of us to commit again. Today led to some interesting developments on the situation that I'll post about in more detail tonight.

 

He may not have an addiction on purpose, but he's still responsible for his lying and the other unacceptable behaviors that broke us up and deeply traumatized me. Neither of us want a break from the relationship to get revenge on the other person. It's about personal growth and taking the time and space to find emotional peace before we commit to each other again. That may or may not include experiences with other people for one or both of us. We're still in the process of talking about the details and figuring out what we're both comfortable with.

 

Okay, since people seem to be starting to contribute their opinions, it's probably time for a little backstory.

My ex and I got together about two years ago. We always had a great connection and a really close relationship, and he moved in with my family after about six months. Six months after that, the extent of his P addiction came out and our response was to double down on our commitment and get engaged on the condition that he gave up P completely. This turned out to be a bad decision, since it led to a lot of fear and paranoia on my part and a lot of pressure on him not to screw up and relapse, at a time when neither of us was in recovery or had the vocabulary to actively deal with the addiction. We kept everything a secret for about eight months and it put a huge strain on our relationship, and eventually he started relapsing and hiding it from me, which ended the relationship when it came out. This was about two months from our planned wedding date. He moved out of my family's house and hit rock bottom, relapsed really badly and ended up close to suicidal. However, he got in touch with a crisis hotline and went into recovery immediately, and has had an active and successful recovery for the past few months. Our relationship has been all over the map since the initial breakup. We've stayed exclusively involved, and our connection has been even stronger since the relationship ended. He's in a much better place since getting into recovery, and has been able to take a much more active role in the relationship and in our sex life than he ever did before. However, the paranoid, obsessive and controlling tendencies on my end didn't entirely go away after the relationship ended, and he was still under a lot of pressure, which led to a fairly serious breakdown for him last weekend, which in turn led to the worst blowout fight we've ever had. It was awful. He didn't relapse, but did consider going into an inpatient program for intensive treatment. He decided against that, primarily because it would mean giving up a new job, but it did lead to us seriously backing off of the relationship to re-evaluate what's healthy for us. Right now, we're looking at the idea of a temporary separation or possible open relationship where we get to stay in each others lives, maybe even be romantically and sexually involved, but not currently committed to each other. The commitment has led to me feeling trapped and to him feeling pressured, and we want space to work on those feelings without the strain of having to maintain a relationship. However, there are some obvious issues, specifically the fact that an open relationship would not be equitable or fair because I could get involved with people while his recovery would generally prevent him from doing so. We agree that our worst-case scenario is losing each other and we are willing to re-commit sooner rather than later if that's what it takes, but we both feel that time apart is going to be extremely significant for our long-term mental stability if we're going to make a relationship work.

Anyway, that's where we're at as of this afternoon. I really appreciate all the feedback!